Sunday, August 31, 2008

All Moved In....Again........

I had an epiphany tonight.....
Perhaps I've had it before, but tonight was different.

Since 2002, I have moved FIVE times.....FIVE!!!!!! For a girl that lived in the same house for 36 years of her life, that in itself, is mind boggling!!! (and the first of those moves was to a wonderful home that lasted three years!)

What I realized tonight is that four of those moves were done SOLO and the first was done before the birth of the fourth child. In other words, my ex has never moved himself with all four children, but we together, have been transient. No wonder I'm tired!!!!! (and, admittedly, a bit resentful after this weekend!)

As we unpacked, put away, cleaned up and worked together to make our house a HOME, it struck me how much we have been through and how well we have succeeded together. My boy was two - and now he's a full time student.....my OLDEST was eight and now a tween!

I was born into the same house that received three of my four children. THIS house is THEIRS.......

Welcome home, kids!!!!

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Monday, August 25, 2008

Our Home at Last!

Our Home at Last!


We did it!!!! We finished the move. A good house cleaning and a "thank you so much" and we're off to our new life with no strings attached. Truly, I didn't realize until after a LLOOONNNGGG 12 hour day at work, just how exhausting this has been. I look around my wonderful, simple new home, my perfect neighborhood for the kids, and all I see are BOXES and pictures awaiting their permanent resting places. Being the great procrastinator that I am, I simply look. I have a lifetime to complete this task, right? I've said this before and I HOPE I never say this again......"If I never move again it will be too soon!" (Although, I must admit, doing it in stages was FAR LESS stressful than an all at once gig and I barely noticed the strain until I came close to the deadline.)

There is a reason why moving is on the top ten list of stressors - along with death of a loved one, illness, job changes, divorce etc. Amazingly, I was hit with 5 out of ten simultaneously and I'm still standing - happy and peaceful, in fact. Would I want to live through any of this again? NO!!!!!!!! Did I struggle at times? YES!!!!! Is it over? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter what your circumstances, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's a spark, sometimes just a flicker....but it's there. You just keep swimming until you can see it head on and you learn with each dark, scary step that all will eventually be okay.

I'm sure those people who climb big mountains don't LOVE the journey. It's the goal. From the bottom, the journey must look daunting. Mid way, the fatigue must be paralyzing. Close to the top, there must be thoughts of "I can't do this anymore, but I came this far so I press on."

....And then, they reach the summit...the gold ring....the prize....and they realize, they have a great story to tell and it was all worth it because they MADE IT!

Well....WE MADE IT TOO!

Curriculum Night...

Tonight was curriculum night - the night the parents come and hear about the grade level expectations and methods used to meet the state and federal standards. I have been the Gifted Education specialist at my school for a few years and, for the most part, the parents of the gifted education kids LOVE me because their kids do and because I get their kids.

Now, there are a few high achievers that, through extra enrichment and tutoring, have seeped into the program. These parents want to rewrite the curriculum to meet their needs....to make their children's education more "elite" than that of the other kids. They bore me.

The parents of truly "gifted kids" have their hands full with a host of other issues and are simply happy if they do not get a phone call home during the day. These "out of the box thinkers" are a challenge to teach and more, a challenge to parent. The are distracted, passionate, disorganized - and many are twice exceptional. Gifted education IS a branch of special education - not some sought after goal that guarantees entrance into Harvard. Many of these kids, if not motivated, become dropouts because the "system" doesn't work for them and simply socializing with typical kids is a challenge.

I love my job - I love the fact that I get to utilize many of my skills and degrees to make for a wonderful day for my students. I do not love some of the parents that come in with a chip on their shoulder wanting a private or charter school program in a public education setting. I do not love being put on the spot by the same mother over and over again, year after year because she wants what she wants - not what the district mandates.

In our state, parents have choices and these parents have money. If they are displeased with the public school, they can opt for charter or private school. They can opt in and out of schools within the district through open enrollment. With so many options, I don't see why they have to challenge instead of choose.

I do my job and I do it well. I am the first Gifted Education Specialist to stay in the role for more than one year because of the nature of the population at this school. The role suits me and 98% of the parents dole out a plethora of accolades!

Why I let this 2% bother me is a mystery. I guess, as a dedicated teacher, I want to please everyone all of the time although I know this is impossible.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

What teachers make.....

What Teachers Make

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a
CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best
option in life was to become a teacher?'

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those
who can, do. Those who can't, teach'

To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?'

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want
to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a
C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?' (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't
everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain,
not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in
the United States of America .

I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work
hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant... You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?'

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

Doing the right thing - because I want to

The boy said to me today, "I don't have a real daddy." It broke my heart. Really.
I responded saying, "You have a wonderful Daddy. You just had a great trip to NY and it was a wonderful time with Dad!"
Response: "But I don't have a real dad like the other kids." \
Choke.....Sigh......Tear......
No.....he doesn't.

Wnen Daddy called tonight, the kids asked if he was coming for their birthdays. I had been thinking about this for awhile, silently pondering how I would deal with this as money for both of us is tight, tight TIGHT!!!!!!

We now have a downstairs bedroom and, quite honestly, neither of us has a dime to spare and I know that.

So, I buckled down and offered the room - something I've been pondering late at night for weeks - I went out on a limb on behalf of wonderful kids and Dad does, in fact, have a place to say if he so chooses. I know many would call me a fool, but really, who wins and who loses? Is it about the adults or the children? (Silently, the best thing I ever did was to get rid of the staunch critics!)

So many would call me a fool, but really it's all about them and seeing their dad is the most important thing.
I'm happy - not sorry, guys!
And yes....I do hope he takes the offer on behalf of our WONDERFUL childrem!

Saturday, August 23, 2008

A Conversation with a Kindergartener


The Boy: Me and Keanu and Ben caught a WHOLE FAMILY of beetles on the playground!
The Mom: Really? You did? Did you show them to your teacher?
The Boy: No, but we showed them to the GIRLS!
The Mom: Did the girls like them?
The Boy: Mom, they were TOTALLY GROSSED OUT!!!! (Laughter)
The Mom: What did you do with them? Did you let them go?
The Boy: Yeah, we let them go. It was time to go in so we let them go. (long pause)
....and then we STOMPED on them!!!!!!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Single Parenthood

Double standards
Little money
Long days
Short nights
Homework
All the laughs
All the snuggles
Getting by
Moving forward
Letting go

Friday, August 15, 2008

Healing....after three years!

Got a new house.
Planning a party,
Never thought I would do it again!!!!!!
Feels good!!!


Details to follow,
Missing a few key note speakers.
In my heart always.

Bowing Gracefully

Jammers needed a plethora of school supplies this week in addition to the bulk i had already purchased.
So did Liney.
The kids DO stress out over this!!!!

No pride here.
I did what I could do and Jam approached her band teacher and simply said, "My mom can't afford it."
Enough said.

Books in hand.

It sometimes breaks my heart, but it is what it is.

Working Duty and a multitude of after school programs, I cannot say I am not doing my part1

Thrive After Divorce www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

LAUNDRY

The necessasary peril.
I have a new plan after DROWNING in this enemy for YEARS!

Each kid has a laundry bag with their name on it - A cheap canvas bag that I labeled with a fabric pen.

Each day I take one bag to the laundry room.....two loads; colors and whites.

Every kid has a different "laundry day"

They fold and put away! Simple Their bag, their clothes, THEIR JOB!!!!!!!

This doesn't work pre age five but it has been a lifesaver thereafter!

(And they look forward to "their day" so it is no longer a chore either!)

Low Moment.....

My budget reaches to the end of every penny and beyond SO....

When the necessary checks don't arrive I am at a loss of words or response. Choices somehow seem limited and
I am TIRED of the same old thing over and over again.

I have taken on a second job at school and two after school programs.

I'm FRUSTRATED tonight!!!!!!

I don't like being between a rock and a hard place!!!!!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Thoughts....

Sometimes it takes losing everything you believe is important to help you regain focus and control of your life. I could not have written that post even 6 months ago - I was still engaged in the emotional repartee of toxic relationships - relationships that brought me down instead of making me stronger, confidants that didn't hesitate to "dish it out," with poetic license, but who refused to accept the same honesty in return and zapped my self esteem; who kept me in a cycle of anger and resentment.
The day I let go of that anger and chose to thrive was the beginning of a tremendous wave of positive energy that continues to enrich my life in ways I never dreamed would happen.
Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be "happy?"

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Being Yourself and Doing it Well

I’m a single mom.

I am also a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a musician, a student and a writer.

I wear many hats and doing so is not always easy.

Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. Being a great mom also means taking care of yourself - a lesson that took me three years and a lot of pain to learn.
Some things I've learned the HARD WAY:

1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a single parent. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a parent.

2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn't ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being parented by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with a trusted sitter for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.

3. You're not perfect. This is true for life in general regardless of single parenthood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a single parent, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup. You need to stop living up to the expectations you had of yourself before you became a single parent. You are not in the same situation as before and that is OKAY!

4.Stop feeling guilty. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of single parenthood. A friend once told me that she feels guilty every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. Once you make a decision, like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself or letting others second guess you. You are doing the best that you can. I used to entertain all the time and I took great pride in that role. I no longer have the time, the means or the interest in adding anything extra to my to-do list. Some have actually found this insulting! Face it, you cannot physically, financially or emotionally be all things to all people at all times. No one can, single or not, and you are not expected to. As long as you love your children and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine and those that don't understand that are toxic to your well being.

5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while, but for the most part, step back and see them for the wonderful people that they are. Think back and remember yourself during that season in your life and remember how hard growing up can be. I am not a patient person by nature, but single parenthood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.

6. Listen to your children. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, but it's not always the case. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. Children need parents who are active listeners, who guide them to make decisions and become effective problem solvers, not parents who heal all wounds, solve all problems and immediately discipline all offenses, often in the interest of time. REAL LISTENING takes time, a closed mouth and an open mind. You've been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. My daughter once felt that a close friend of mine didn't like her - she was adamant about it and I was dismissive. Guess what, as it turns out, she was right and while I no longer see that friend, I learned about listening the hard way; fortunately, not at my daughter's expense.

7. Be their parent, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic and no two families look alike. As single parents, we negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ parents – not their friends (in a friendly way, of course.)

8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a HUGE favor. If you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions they will know how to find real happiness in life. My kids early years were spent in a very affluent community and we were no different. Life is so much easier now! When it’s time to declutter, I allow my children to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. We reuse as much as we can, resell as much as we can and our motto is "If something new comes in, something old goes out." We buy only what we REALLY need, everyone does not get the same amount and we wait until things go on sale. There's something to be said for the lesson of delayed gratification too - especially in this age of immediate feedback!

9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. I allow my kids to pursue those enrichment activities they truly enjoy, am actively involved in their school work, but understand that not every experience or grade is going to be perfect.....and in my house, that's okay. My job is to guide them, not push them!

10. Teach them self-esteem. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This person is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. You teach this by showing your children that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them and by loving them unconditionally. Focus on your child's strengths, not their weaknesses and use positive, encouraging words to help them to do the same. Keep their personal issues private so they learn to trust you and see you as a safe haven. High self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids.

11. Teach them to be self-reliant. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. Don't get involved in your children's arguments - allow them to solve these issues and come to a compromise themselves. You'd be surprised at how little they really need you when they scream your name!

12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a single parent, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids, your home, your job and yourself, that you sometimes forget to relax and have fun. Kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult: playing in the rain, making sand castles, singing at the top of your lungs, a date with play dough, finger painting....... See the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Enjoy them.

Parenting is a big job. Single parenting is 2x bigger. Isn't it a great feeling to wake up each day and really love going to work?

Friday, August 1, 2008

Positives of a Single Parent Household


Do you feel like your basic daily routine is just more of "the same," day in and day out, as though your life were one big treadmill? You get up, take care of the kids, head off to work, come home and do chores, make dinner, help the kids with their homework, and collapse in exhaustion, only to get up the next day and do it all again, right? Well, there's no denying that life can certainly feel this way at times, especially when everything that must be accomplished falls squarely on your shoulders as a single parent. In addition, there is so much misinformation and negative opinion out there about the effects of divorce on families and children. This can add to the overwhelming sensation that you can't do anything right.

Good news, fellow solo parents, there are also many positives to this scenerio as well!!!

Some of the positives of a single parent household include:

* A child from a single parent home who is loved and supported has no more problems than a child from a two parent home. (Remember that when you get poor advice from well meaning friends!!!! It's just the boost you need!)
* Whether or not the child uses their free time constructively (for example, reading or playing sports) depends on discipline, family routine and quality time between parent and child - not whether the child has one or two parents living in the house.
* The child is typically mature and responsible.
* The parent is typically self-reliant and confident. (Not a bad thing to role model for your kids, right?)
* The relationship between parent and child is close.
* Single fathers are more likely to use positive parenting techniques than married fathers.
* Single parent families are less likely to rely on traditional gender-specific roles than two parent families.
* Single parents tend to rely on positive problem-solving strategies rather than punitive discipline when faced with difficult child behaviors. This does not mean you "don't discipline," just that you "discipline differently."
* Single parents tend to spend more quality time with their children because they have less time to waste.


Things to remember

* There are different reasons why a person becomes a single parent and it takes time to adjust to this role.
* Single parenting differs from dual parenting in many ways, but the most common difference is that single parents may involve their children in more household decision making. This does not mean the house is "child centered" as I have heard some say.....it means you operate as a family together.
* Children may have more duties and responsibilities around the home from an earlier age, simply because there isn’t another adult around. This is not a BAD thing, simply a fact and when my 5 year old son took out the vacuum to clean up his own spilled popcorn without being asked, I found it to be a pretty GOOD thing myself!

These are things to feel good about, they are facts! Just because some don't agree doesn't mean you are not doing a GREAT JOB!