All Together Alone

DOUBLE RAINBOW SONG!!

2010-07-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

Long Distance "Co?!" Parenting

2010-07-07T09:16:00.000-07:00

Reading some provocative posts and tweets this week has really made me think about my dreams vs. the reality of the life I have been handed - yes, HANDED aginst my will and every single maternal instinct within my soul.

First off, if you are reading this blog expecting a flowery interpretation of my wonderful life and my beautiful kids, read elsewhere. I have blogs posted for family and friends to hear what they "want" to hear and see what they "want" to see.

Our story, printed to the left, tells most of the tale - leaving out the part that I was battling cancer when my ex decided to drop the bomb on our "perfect little family" Okay, I was left fighting for my life, my kids, my home and my marriage within 3 short months. Hardly ideal and a chapter I have all but emotionally blocked out for fear of drowning in a sea of anger and self-pity - much of which I fully entitled myself to for a season of my life. Fear, loneliness, disbelief and hatred filled much of my heart and mind for quite sometime. I became an expert escape artist - even moving clear across the country to avoid the sights, smells and abandonment that surrounded our world. The kids rarely saw their father - that is - as far as "parenting" was concerned and I was privately and publicly ripped to my very core. The only chance I had to make it out sane and strong was to get away - so I did. We left the eastern gold coast and transplanted ourselves in the vast Sonoran Desert four years ago - spent three of those years in court fighting for what was rightfully ours - and finally gave up the past in favor of building a promising future.

Like many in my shoes, there were periods of dire self destructiveness when I thought the only way to get through yet another day was to have a few glasses of wine once the kids were safely tucked in simply numbing the extraordinary pain that swelled within my heart. For over a year, we received no child support......cyber dad thought he was a masterful parent by "visiting" the kids via webcam - a practice I viewed as an intrusion. I felt controlled and violated by so many around me. Cyber-dad wanted me to revolve my life around his "webcam" schedule, friends wanted me to simply cut him off, some wanted me to find saving grace within their church, others thought my key to happiness was to throw myself into internet dating and "get laid" and most did not realize that we were at the mercy of the courts. If one more person told me to "have him thown in jail" I think I would have screamed - as if was that easy to obtain justice! Ha!

Finally, about two years ago, I gave up the fight. Along with giving up the fight, I had to give up some of the closest friends I had ever known. Upon reflection, it became clear that the advise I was receiving was "not for me" and was keeping me in a cycle of dependence and uncertainty. Looking further, I was able to see the tremendous damage it was doing to my heart and the relationship, albeit limited, that my kids had with their father. Many of the people offering up the most direct suggestions had very wounded hearts, broken family relationships, inner children needing control and dysfunctional marriages. Absence may make the heart grow fonder for some, for me it made the heart grow wiser.

In this revelation, I came to realize one thing....it's not about me. People change, relationships change and my kids needed only to see a healthy role model. As they only see their father 3 or 4 times per year, I decided it was my duty to foster this relationship in the best way I knew how. Lack of expectation and unconditional acceptance.

Now, I'm sure a lot of you are shaking your heads and thinking me a fool......and perhaps in some ways I am - but it was not worth my health and happiness to carry a torch into battle for years to come. It is my hope that someday, he will come around and be the man he once was - but this is only a hope, like I HOPE to buy the winning Powerball ticket!

My kids are fully accessible to their father and they love him. When he visits, he uses the guest room - less transition for them and less work for me. Heck, I was in labor with my first for 50 hours, I can surely put up with him for 48! I have yet to meet, or even speak to his "girlfriend" of over 5 years and probably won't until one of our kids gets married - dad's choice - and I have come to be okay with that. The little they know of her, they seem to like and so it shall remain. The kids acknowledge their dad holidays and birthdays- a favor which is never returned, but it is the right thing to do.

It gets lonely, money is tight and sure, I wish there was another "fall guy" around to deal with the endless homework, discipline and household duties, but alas, there is not so we motor through as a team-for now, the five of us making it happen.

Someday, I may meet that soul mate who loves me unconditionally for who I am and I hope that my heart will have healed enough by then to recognize him when he comes along. Until then........the kids have two parents, unfortunately not "co-parents, " but two parents just the same.

Single Parent Life

2010-04-23T22:20:00.000-07:00

This is an email I received....much like many of you have privately shared. I share my responses to help those of you still caught in "the cycle."

I love the children and they know that. (Because I reinforce this every single day - NOT because of you!) Stop fabricating and stop fabricating in public (blog) really what is the purpose of making it public, do you need the attention that badly or is how you believe your own lies? (It is not a fabrication. (These are not lies. No, not for attention, but the support I receive makes me stronger and that is what I need when we deal with late payments, struggles and everyday life that you know nothing of.) My children know how I much I love them but for your own selfish reasons you continue to play devils advocate with a relationship you have nothing to do with. (No......I speak the truth. I'm an advocate, yes....not the devil's advocate. It is for your own selfish reasons that you think otherwise.) That's right the relationship is between myself and my children, not you. (Yes it is! So you had better kick it up a notch buddy. These kids have dealt with more than you have ever known!) Please feel free NOT to respond. (Easy request. The mirror hurts sometimes.)

(PS: If you don't like my interpretations, you are FREE to stay elsewhere and rent a car!!!!! No one tied you down!!!!!! Oh yeah......you forgot to include my generosity in your email. There are other options in the area. I am kind to you - you are not to me.)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Reply to all

Forward

A Message......

2010-04-18T09:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

Whether you realize it or not, we've been counting the days down until your visit. We have bragged to our friends that you are coming and have planned an imaginary fantasy weekend in our heads about how perfect our time together would be. We anxiously awoke on Friday morning anticipating your arrival a few hours later. The day had finally come.

We know that you are used to doing things your own way, on your own schedule, the way you want to do them. We only see you 3 or 4 times per year and for a few days at best. You are not used to having a gaggle of kids around who are fighting for your undivided attention. We know that you still think of us as "little kids;" you left us a long time ago. We've been growing and developing since you left and we are not the same people we once were, just as you are not.

Dad, in the little time we have together, please don't call us names. Please refrain from losing your temper, from calling us "stupid," and "baby;" from criticizing what we eat or where we find pleasure. Don't punish us for trying to turn our time together into a vacation.....of wanting to laugh and make memories with you on our terms. Please don't put down our pets, our toys, and Dad, please don't try to imply that you are going to ground us if we don't do as you say. We will be lucky if we see you again one more time before Christmas. These are empty threats with no meaning......in fact, they sound silly to our adolescent ears.

Happiness is how you interpret what's in front of you; how willing you are to enjoy simple pleasures even if things aren't perfect. Your response to problems is one indicator of how much you have stabilized since the divorce. Blaming sets up a situation in which it is difficult to move forward. Maybe you just need to hear it again; to us you are phenomenal and you are loved and appreciated.

We need to hear that too.

As we get older, our relationship will continue to change. You can be lulled into a false sense of security. It's challenging to know what is important and what is not, but knowing that helps. We want a future with you, Dad. Let it go and make our time together happy and joyous. You are not going to step in on a random basis and command the respect you think you deserve, but we try. We are kids. We are victims in this situation. It is up to you to right the wrongs and build the memories that will encourage our future relationship, not us.

Dad, we want nothing more than to see you more, to speak with you more often and to feel your unconditional love. We want our time together to be fun and special. We want you to be our father.

Love,
Your kids

Tips for Disciplining Your School Age Child

2010-03-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

Be sure “no” is not the word your child hears most often. Positive reinforcement is important. Praise your child for good behavior so he does not see misbehavior as the only way to get your attention. Your child can be sensitive to criticism, making this kind of praise a perfect way to bolster his self-esteem.

Remember tantrums still happen. Try to remain calm; if you react to these tantrums your child will see them as a way to get attention. Take a deep breath and calmly tell your child that when he is ready to talk about how he feels, you are ready to listen.

Empty threats are dangerous. It is easy to become angry and make unrealistic threats of punishment, like “If that fighting does not stop we are never going on another car trip!” Threats on which you cannot follow through, especially those with the word “never,” will weaken the power of the realistic consequences you may use in the future.

Manage discipline. Your child may feel like he has little control and believes that the way to gain power is to misbehave. Constant discipline will only fuel that belief, instead, focus on giving your child positive attention when they are doing something good. This will show him that he can gain power and your attention this way, too!

Involve your child with choices. Sometimes the way to deal with a child who may feel like he does not have any control is to involve him in the process. Offer him an “either/or” choice so he feels he had some say in the matter. Remember a child should not always have choices. You need to decide when this is appropriate (e.g. battle over what to have for lunch, not whether or not a seatbelt needs to be worn), and make sure that you can live with either choice.

Look Within....

2010-02-02T20:05:00.001-08:00

The minute you begin to focus on things that are "broken" rather than things that are "right" your center of gravity changes. Keep your eye on what is "right and good." Otherwise, the result will be "broken."

Let It Go

2010-02-02T05:35:00.000-08:00

It has been almost 5 years now since my initial cancer diagnosis and subsequent marital breakup; five years of ups and downs and all arounds. Five years of raising four kids alone, fighting the system, financial hardship as well as five years of growth, laughter, good times and adventure. This family packed an awful lot into five short years!

Somehow, the number "five" holds great significance. My children each started kindergarten at "five," one is considered cured of most cancers when the five year milestone is reached......we have five fingers on each hand - the very first thing we learn to count. In five years, we have lived in four different houses, four different town and two different states. We've traversed the west, been to California four times and have taken ample cross country romps across the U.S. The kids have grown from ages 2-8 to 7-13 - translation; from daycare - third grade to first through eighth. We registered for high school last week and won our first of many sports trophies. A lot can happen in just five short years!

If you are just beginning your journey, the road ahead looks long and scary - I know. This was not the "plan" when you started out all fresh and new and in love. Once upon a time, you felt invincible, loved, protected and cherished and now, you simply feel grief, disappointment, anger and frustration. Life has been reduced to a business contract. It feels unnatural - everything you believed to be true no longer applies.

I have learned a lot in these five years - much of which on my feet as I fumbled and fell along the way, some through counsel and guidance.

1) Divorce is a grieving process like no other. A person who has never been in these shoes CANNOT comprehend the range of emotions that accompanies this loss. You cannot expect them to.

2) You must always put your children FIRST - even if that means coming into direct opposition of those around you. They are entitled to an open and loving relationship with both parents - in fact, they need this to be whole. Do NOT use your children to prove a point or otherwise fulfill your own needs.

3) People around you will enjoy pointing out the faults of your spouse and will encourage you to "see them" for what they are. This is counterproductive and will keep you in a bad place longer. You may need to vent, they do not have to return the favor.

4) You will be judged - both positively and negatively - for how you process your grief, get back on your feet, parent your children etc. Remember, this is a learning process and you will err along the way.......you would have if your marriage remained intact as well, but somehow, the world perceives 2 as better than one. Ignore this judgment.

5) It takes two people to make or break any relationship......accept your role. You cannot force the other person to accept theirs, but hopefully, in time, it will come.

6) People will take sides. You will lose some close friends. Your social life will change. This is, perhaps, healthy!

7) Always take the high road whenever possible. Do what is right and best for the kids and for your own emotional health.

8) Be cautious of the advice to take from others. What is best for them may not be what is best for you. Weigh your options carefully before reacting. Look toward the outcome you desire.

9) You are not here to prove a point or teach a lesson. You are not the person to fulfill that role. You are not a parent to another adult.

10) Do something nice for yourself every day - a nap, a 1/2 with a good book, a chat with a friend......something centered on rebuilding your inner self.

Look at today as the beginning of the rest of your life. If you blew it yesterday, so what......you get another chance with each sunrise. Things will become more natural as they evolve and you will have the life you desire. Don't let anything stand in your way!

The Learning Curve

2010-01-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

After three daughters, multiple ballet and gymnastic classes, various band and chorus performances, more Girl Scout cookies than anyone has a right to and numerous manicures, hair appointments, sleep overs and crying spells, it was determined that this woman would have a son - and raise him alone.

Not only was I called to raise this son, he was designed to be "all boy." If there is something to climb, he climbs it, something to throw, he throws it, something to kick, he kicks it and something to break within five seconds, he breaks it. This kid KILLS the nature vs. nurture argument without effort. Raised in a house with four girls, he is a stand alone icon - and it's fun.

The Boy LOVES sports - shoots hoops when bored, plays ball in the streets with the neighbors and enjoyed his first team experience playing Flag Football this year. In my car, I now sport a fold out chair with a cup holder which takes me where I need to go, sit, watch and cheer for whatever is happening at any given moment. The BIG Christmas present this year was an authentic NFL Cardinals jersey which he wears at least once per week to school and as soon as he returns home - I have to wash this thing nightly.

Since we have moved here, the football playoffs and Super Bowl's have been so very kind to us - we had the Giants vs. the Patriots right here in Glendale, we had the Cardinals, and now we have the Cardinals moving forward in the playoffs again.

Translation, Mom has had to sit and watch football with her big fan AND explain what's going on which is quite funny if you have known me for all of five minutes. I've also had to learn to dodge unidentified flying objects out of the corner of my eye while cooking, not throw a ball "like a girl" and the numbers of each team member.

These are things I surely would have passed off to Dad if he were here.
(Although the only sport he REALLY cared about was boxing.)

I definitely would have been in the kitchen making snacks for the boys and asking the score.

The wonder of life is this.......I am having such fun spending this time with my son, watching the games (which we had to rush home for today and which went into overtime and we won!) and learning right along side him.

The girls don't care so much.

By virtue of who they are, they get my attention and bring me to places I never thought
I would visit.

It's simply, wonderful!

Single Parent Savings

2009-12-30T19:30:00.000-08:00

As a single mother, I have found some VERY CREATIVE ways to save money without giving up cultural experiences and opportunities for my kids as well as myself. Of course, we have navigated some extremely hard times - the electricity turned off in the middle of a desert summer, loss of television and computer access, water, and gas in the tank en route to school. The kids and I have learned to take all of this in stride - even with a sense of humor. Laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. So with lights out, we play flashlight tag, I always keep a cooler filled with five gallons of water and we can all find something creative and constructive to do without the television and computer to distract us. (These have been some of the most cherished moments of all!)

Learning to manage a household on very little income (I am a teacher in Arizona - the 49th state in the Union with respect to funds spent on education), was a true challenge for me in the beginning. First of all, I am horrible at managing finances. Secondly, this was new and uncharted territory for me. Lastly, I resented the sheer fact that my ex was conveniently unemployed, yet living in the heart of Manhattan with his girlfriend and enjoying vacations, dinners and very conspicuously leaving behind the receipts and menus for my eyes to see ~ all while dragging me through court time and time again. $$$$$$$ I drank too much, bitched too much and was all consumed with things that were out of my control and meant to hurt not just me, but the kids as well.

It took awhile to get out of that cycle. I'd be lying if I professed otherwise. I was, as Shakespeare labeled, a woman scorned.

There came a day a few years back when I looked in the mirror and asked myself out loud, "Is this the story you want to write?" Of couse, the answer was a loud and definitive "No!"

On that day I made a promise to change. I gave up the fight and began working on rebuilding a bigger and better life for my family. I decided right then to embrace the cards I was dealt and do something wonderful with them. This blog was one of those things - as well as starting a single parents group, volunteering, heading back to school and working on me so I would be a better mother to my children. I had to lose some relationships in order for this to happen as good people can keep you in a very bad place and that was sad....but worth it in the end.

We've all read the benefits of coupon clipping and yes, I am an avid clipper, but there are bigger and better ways to work within a budget and you would be surprised at what you will find if you take the time to look. Just today, I was handed 4 free kids meals at a lovely, homey Italian/Pizza restaurant because I simply walked in and asked to see the menu with my kids in tow. Tonight we ate out - veggies and all - for less than it would cost for me to cook at home.
Some suggestions:
1) If eating out, always go during happy hour. The prices are cut in half for both food and drink.
2) Find places that offer free kids meals - some of our favorite local haunts offer free meals - 2 per adult - on certain days of the week. Once they get to know you, they are usually tolerant of others.
3) Ask if they can cut portions in half or split portions - I have yet to meet a restaurant that will not accomodate this request when they see me alone with four kids. It's worth asking - all they can say is "no."
4) Frequent the same stores often. When people know your family they are kind. I have had loads of groceries "loaned" to me when needed. We bake them cookies and the kids write thank-yous - as do I - for getting us through difficult times. THe lady in Costco GAVE US her free Thanksgiving turkey this year......a real blessing.
5) Check out your local library. Ours not only has books, music and DVD's, but also Culture Passes - I can check out 2 passes to various museums, zoos and events per month which cover admission for four - a life saver!
6) Look for dress rehearsal and opening night performances.......I have never paid more than $12 per ticket for Disney on Ice, Ringling Brothers, and various other performances. While Wednesday night might not be the most convenient time to bring the kids out - the experience is worth it.
7) Write lots of letters and put your pride on a shelf......this is hard, I know, but so worth it. You can get subscribtions, opportunities and wonderful experiences if you simply ask. We received 5 tickets to Wet n' Wild this summer because of a bad experience that I addressed. In Disney, we were granted an extention of our annual pass because I asked.
8) When your ex offers to take the kids shopping for a gift, have them suggest a gift card to the supermarket, the movies or any other place you know you will have to spend money. Then, tuck it away for a rainy day!
9) Look for scholarships......Look hard. I sent two kids to a wonderful sleep away camp for the price of one because I asked. They rode horses, swam, paddled boats and made friends that they are still in contact with.
10) PLAN YOUR MENU around the sales in the stores - and hit 2 or three if you have to. You can now download coupons onto your shoppers card so there is no need to clip and save. Plan nutricious meals around the circular and the coupons you have......you'll save hundreds of dollars.
11) Buy the soda on sale - even if not your favorite. I am a diehard DIET COKE fan, but if it's Pepsi on sale, it's Pepsi I drink. Seltzer is much cheeper and can be flavored. I know....I know.....

Most importantly, do something for yourself every single week. A walk? A nap? A pedicure? All these savings make these things possible. I used to feel guilty for such indulgences - I don't anymore. Dragging yourself down benefits no one - least of all, YOU! This is very hard when the kids are young, I know.......I began this journey when my kids were ages 8 to 2. If you can't do it now, just know there is light at the end of the tunnel and the effort you put in now will be so very worth it later.

Joy....or NOT

2009-12-28T19:12:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling when you look at a Christmas card or an online photo and the expression on the faces doesn't gel with the meaning behind the eyes?! When the card is so controlled, planned, contrived that you have to wonder what the heck is really going on there because it's not reality?!

I find this interesting.
Telling.
Incredibly disturbing.

Should one have to work so hard at happiness that they need to show their joy on film?

When my kids started modeling years ago, the direction was "Do not smile, I want to see the natural you." This, from one of the best photographers in the world. He would talk to them and capture them naturally - doing what they do - off beat and wonderful. These pictures still hang on our walls and adorn our albums.

There was no dramatic effort involved.

Why is it that people need to put drama into their Christmas cards? My very favorite card EVER was of my two oldest (before the others were born) in their jammies all dishevelved on the couch in black and white. I try hard to capture these natural moments on a daily basis. I don't pose my kids for cards - I capture them This years pix was a fun, photographic playdate - no money, nothing to do, let's play photographer.

My love for photography started late, when I stood at my in-laws 50th anniversary party and watched what the paid photographer did. I can do this~~~~ I thought. I was divorced that same week and bought myself a camera as a "reward." I KNEW I could do better - without the fanfare, the computers and the lights. Honestly......a great point and shoot is easier to deal with than an SLR....but I use both and multiple lenses.

I have not gone after a business because I work full time plus two and have health insurance to consider. But, it's a hobby I adore. A hobby that helps me create wonderful gifts for those I love. A hobby that has afforded me the window into many friends lives. A hobby that makes people smile.

Real joy is just that.....REAL. It need not be posed It need not be work. My favorite photos capture my kids and friends in natural light doing what they do naturally.

Divorce is not always a BAD Thing!

2009-12-28T12:32:00.000-08:00

We were all taught that divorce is bad. Period. Why? Because we were taught that marriage is sacred. That marriage is the union between two people who are in love (or not yet, in the matter of arranged marriage) under God. And we were taught that God is good and anything away from His grace is bad.
I'm Jewish and I believe that any marriage is worth saving. But I'm also a pragmatic and I have even recommended a couple of friends to go ahead with their decision to divorce their partners. That is because I believe divorce is not always bad.

Worst case scenario for a divorce is spousal abuse. Sure, the couple can go to see a counsellor on that matter. In many cases, however, it is probably safer for the abused spouse to just leave. Here, divorce isn't such a bad thing. It might even save one's life.

Then there is the irreparable difference, unresolved by marriage counseling. There is the cheating spouse that won't work to repair the damage. When the couples don't even talk to each other anymore or can't stand each other anymore perhaps to the point of only wanting to hurt each others' feelings, divorce seems to be the best strategy.

What about children? That's the hardest factor in deciding to divorce. Children do thrive better when their parents are together. I remain, however, a little bit skeptical, especially considering the possible short- and long-term emotional and social effects on children when their parents can't stand each other anymore. Isn't it the childrens right, too, to experience that their parents are happy individuals unrestrained by the state of their marriage? Children thrive better when their parents are happy even when separated, Research supports this fully.

People change. Having spent considerable time with my ex, I can honestly say I no longer recognize this person as the once I married. The words spoken and the overall demeanor, the love and dedication to family, the softness that was one in his heart are gone - not just toward me, but toward everyone. We have nothing in common but for the children we share. Sad, but true. Would this be the case had his heart been willing to do the necessary work to repair his brokenness? I don't know. Counseling was not an option for him. Someone once said something to me that I will never forget, "His level of entitlement is breathtaking." That line sums it all up into one perfectly phrased package.

Was this always the case? I don't know that either. I saw him through a filter that tolerated - and even loved what I now see as fatal personality flaws.

In conclusion, no, divorce is not always bad. There are circumstances where the benefits of divorce exceed its cost. This is, however, not an excuse to make divorce as the feasible exit strategy when things go awry in a marriage. There are ways to resolve dilemmas or problems in any marriage. It only takes courage, patience, and perseverance, and the desire to save the marriage.

Getting through AND ENJOYING a Single Parent Holiday

2009-12-20T16:29:00.000-08:00

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone with four children that year for the first time in more than fifteen years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete. Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives and friends. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. Opinions were served up like hors-douvers - often in front of my children who were very young. This was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private, but for the few close friends and family members who shouldered and shared my pain. Divorce, it is said, is worse than death because it is a choice ~even harder to bare during such a festive, family centered time of the year.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” and maintaining a proper focus ~ one that is family centered and joyous. Perhaps it would be easier if I had an ex that actively co-parented his children and treated me with respect, but I do not thus the wound remains somewhat open.

Let’s face it, for single parents, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special. In my case, I have no immediate family so I lost more than just a spouse, I lost a whole lifestyle. The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming. The financial struggles are real all year and are magnified during this time and memories creep in of traditions that are no longer.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss. For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound. I liken it to a couple facing fertility problems receiving constant comments about when they will finally start a family. Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays.

In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by simply saying "thank-you.". I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone. It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

Help your newly formed family develop new Christmas traditions and rituals:
Invite people into your home to see how you celebrate Christmas. In our home, it is both Christmas and Chanukah - honoring both sides of my children's heritage. A few years back, a good friend gave me a great idea. Each child in our home picks a special Christmas cookie to bake with Mom alone as a gift to the family. They also get their own night to choose the holiday movie which we share as a family. The Elf on the Shelf has also become a holiday staple. This little guy finds a new hiding place daily to watch over the children in our home and the littlest members of our household seek him out daily.

One thing I have learned is that you must help children obtain gifts for the single parent and other family members. Do you have any idea how hard it must be for a child to try and figure out how to get mom or dad a present? There is no other parent to take the child shopping. As a child, you don’t want to ask your parent for money to buy the parent’s own present. Many children can’t ask the other parent for money or a ride. They know this may set off the equivalent to a major war. Think about your own children. What do they do for your present? In our home, each child picks out something which they "work off" doing extra chores. Each child also picks gifts for the others......again, "working off" the expense by contributing to our home. For us, this includes recognizing Daddy as well. They really do "earn" the money to proudly say, "This is from me." Many of our gifts are also handmade. After the children make their gifts, my oldest takes charge and set up an evening or a Saturday for the children to wrap their gifts What is important is that the children get into the spirit of giving and that they see that all family members are included. I learned this lesson the very first year I was separated when my oldest, without my knowledge, went door to door "selling snacks" to the neighbors to make money to buy me a gift. That, in itself, was probably the single-most eye opening performance of my life.

Lastly, honor the other parent for your children are 50% of the person he/she is. Standing on ceremony is unproductive and delivers a wrong message. While I do not expect to be recognized, I do make sure they do what is right in their hearts. This is the time of year to model in yourself the people you wish them to become.

Keeping the Children First

2009-12-04T06:59:00.001-08:00

Children of separated families may find the holiday season to be more difficult than usual.

Children may feel anxious from the excess chaos
They may feel caught in the middle as parents negotiate who spends what time where
They may feel resentful at having to leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent
Children may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as they are shuffled back and forth between houses
They may feel as though they wish they could "split themselves in half" so that each parent will be satisfied
They may feel sad as they reminisce on holidays when the family was still together
Kids may miss one parent while spending time with the other
They may feel guilty at leaving the other parent alone on a holiday

Tips for Divorced Parents to Survive the Holidays

There are many things that both parents can do to enjoy the holidays and ease the transition for their children.

Teach the child to embrace his expanded family and the fact that he gets to celebrate the holidays twice
Do not over-indulge the child with too many presents or candy; this is not healthy for anyone
One parent should not compete with the other over who gets the child a "better gift" – if possible, strategize with the other parent to ensure even gift-giving
Have a set schedule, preferably one that is set by family court. Typically, parents should alternate holidays each year. This takes the burden off the child having to decide where he would like to spend his time and also minimize arguing between parents
Let the child in on the schedule in advance so that they know what to expect
Put differences aside – do not argue with an ex-spouse in front of the child
Teach the child what the holiday is truly about so that they can better appreciate the experience
Plan fun outings and make new traditions such as caroling, ice skating, or catching a new movie in between the holidays to minimize the importance of a single big celebration
Keep time together simple so that the child does not feel overburdened and overwhelmed
Set a positive example so that the child is able to enjoy himself; parents should express their own frustrations to another adult, not to their child
Recognize that most children want and need contact with both of their parents, especially during the holidays
Allow the child to have phone or email contact with the other parent, especially on the holiday itself
Allow the child to vent any frustrations
Love and celebrate the child during these special times

The best thing that both parents can do is to recognize and be aware of their child’s emotions during this sensitive time. There is no time like the holidays for parents embroiled in separation disagreements to find a common ground – teaching their child to enjoy the magic of the season.

Starting New Holiday Traditions After Divorce

2009-12-04T06:56:00.000-08:00

The holidays that wonderful time from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day the classic celebrations of love, light and family togetherness. In the quick pound of a gavel, "holidays" suddenly take on an ominous, dread countenance. Not only will you miss what was (even if it was a powder keg of family dysfunction), but you have no idea how you can spend those special days now. It all feels like a huge accident waiting to happen.
Avert that accident by exploring some new avenues! If you have children, either young or grown:

Try to achieve a cooperative give-and-take of special days with your ex. If your children are adults, you shouldn't have to talk to him or her directly. Explain to your children that you do want to celebrate with them, but don't want to put them in a stressful position with their other parent. Talk over plans for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or other family occasions. For the children's comfort, be willing to alternate holidays with your ex. The last thing you want is for your children to dread the whole holiday season.
Don't try to exactly recreate the holidays of the past. The absence of the other parent will cast an enormous pall over what can be a lovely new-family time. Try keeping some specific, past activities, but changing others. Eat in the living room instead of the dining room, or have a picnic on the floor in front of the fireplace. Or eat out at a fancy, funky or unusual restaurant.
Look for alternative dates to hold your traditional family gathering. Mom wants to do Thanksgiving at her place? How about Dad starting a traditional chili and games night at his place the night before (or after) Thanksgiving. On Christmas, if Dad is looking forward to the big Christmas Day festivities, Mom could pick Christmas Eve for a family tree trimming and caroling party. You get the idea. Try to be flexible you'll reduce everyone's stress levels.
Make your own plans for those holidays when the kids will be with their other parent. Sitting home alone, wallowing in self-pity would be a major downer, so just don't do it (unless you get iced in, in which case everybody in your region will be doing the same).

If you don't have children or if they will be elsewhere:

Ask around at church or at work and see who else doesn't have plans for That Day. They may be single, divorced or simply have family out of town. Make plans with one or more of them to come to your place for a potluck. That creates a warm, extended family atmosphere, especially if you throw in some singing and game playing. Your new extended family may decide to come together on several holidays a year, bringing their children and/or out-of-town relatives when they're available.
Do you have distant relatives aunts, uncles, cousins whom you rarely see? They might love an invitation to a holiday dinner at your place.
Reach outside yourself and lend a helping hand to others. Sign up to help serve the holiday meal at your local Salvation Army or volunteer to help at a nearby hospital or family shelter. Check with various charities to see what kinds of help they may need. They all have trouble lining up volunteers for holidays, so any time you can contribute will be heartily appreciated! This has a couple of side benefits. First, you won't have time to think about your problems while you're concentrating on others; second, when you get back home in the evening, you'll feel great about having brightened someone else's holiday.

Enjoy all the holidays in warm and loving ways, both old and new!

2009-12-04T06:50:00.001-08:00

Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

2009-04-09T18:55:00.000-07:00

Among the most frequently repeated phrases about suffering are that “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass.” Time passes. It does not heal. Healing is an active process, not a passive one. If we have a cut and do nothing to clean it out or do not apply a salve, it will probably form a scab. It might take longer and it might develop an infection, but the wound will most likely close and leave a scar.

When I was 5 years old, I ran away from home. I didn’t get very far: the downstairs vestibule. I waited what seemed like an eternity for someone to come looking for me. When no one did, I put my hand through a small decorative pane of glass in my attempt to open the door. A little sliver of glass was left in the soft fleshy part of my hand. It closed up with that glass inside.

When we experience woundings to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open. Sometimes we are bleeding, figuratively, from every orifice of our bodies. Eventually the bleeding stops and the wound closes, but what has closed inside? Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside? Occasionally we develop a “weeping wound,” which doctors define as a wound that doesn’t heal because of noxious matter that continues to fester and ooze. How many “weeping wounds” can we sustain before our entire system becomes infected?

As we begin to explore the meaning of healing through loss, we discover the ancient spiritual roots of the healing arts. From prehistoric time, the healer or shaman was the most powerful teacher and wise one of the clan. In many languages, the phrase to heal comes from the expression “to be whole,” derived from the belief that when we become sick, we lose our wholeness. Something or someone has broken through our wholeness and caused dis-ease within our body. To heal is to come back into that lost wholeness and ease. Returning to wholeness often means that we must somehow integrate the disease so it is no longer identified as a threat. Once it becomes part of us, we have incorporated what was thought to be a threat into our hearts and souls and minds. This explains how it is possible for someone with an incurable illness to be healed—they can use the disease as a path into wholeness.

Healing and curing are two very different concepts. Healing is a spiritual idea and curing is a medical one. Healing is an active process. It doesn’t happen to us; we must participate in the process of our healing. Healing happens for us. It is a gift we give to ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open” to that which has broken us.

In chronic pain management, we are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. This is the premise behind the Lamaze Method for childbirth. The idea is that when pain is resisted, it intensifies, When we breathe deeply and acknowledge the presence of pain, it has room to move and can flow through us more readily. Pain is there to tell us something, to warn us of possible danger. This is as true for emotional, spiritual, and mental pain as it is for physical pain. When pain speaks, we need to listen. All it takes is paying attention to our pain so that when it comes, we remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want to fight with our pain. We want to learn from it.

Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole means that as we open to the pain, we open to the loss. We break open and, as a consequence, we get bigger and include more of life. We include what would have been “lost” to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time to heal. As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us: “There’s more room in a broken heart.”

Thoughts from others.......

2009-03-07T09:41:00.001-08:00

Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson

Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~Gail Sheehy

What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest

Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Author Unknown

A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all. ~Washington Irving

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

Erica Jong

Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

Lewis Carroll

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Kathy Lette

2009-01-14T05:43:00.001-08:00

Poem by Derek Walcott:

the time will come

when, with elation,

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in your own mirror,

and each will smile at the other's welcome.

and say, sit here. eat.

you will love again the stranger who is yourself.

give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger

who has loved you.

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

take down the love letters from the bookshelf.

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

sit. feast on YOUR life.

4 my 4 (part I)

2009-01-03T07:40:00.001-08:00

Hey Guys,
We just celebrated our fourth holiday season as a family of 5. It's hard to believe how fast the years have flown! Now, ages 12,10,71/2 and 6, you are active participants in everything from the cooking to the cleaning and even the wrapping. We are a team - a winning team!

Do you realize the journey you have taken? Since 2005, you have packed and moved 3 times! (4, if you include the months at Nana and Poppy's) You have stood by as The Mom navigated two quarantines and surgery. You have attended three different schools! You bravely hopped an airplane for an unknown land and made a foreign place your home. You have grown from clingy, scared children into confident, kind and hardworking people.

Jammers, it was not that long ago that you secretly packed snack bags and went door to door selling treats to make money to buy The Mom a Christmas present. You came home with $15 that day! Now, you babysit. You are a wonderful flutist who entertains us with beautiful music. You are a service club member, a friend, a caretaker and a big sister. You are 12. Sometimes you are a wise guy with a tone that makes The Mom frown. You have spent a good deal of time with lost privilages because of that tone! (Secretly, I know it's normal. I was no different at 12, but I can't tell you that!) You love the outdoors and spend hours and hours exploring, biking and skateboarding. You toughed out that gym class you despised everyday without a complaint and you now run miles. I never have to tell you to do your homework - it's usually done before I even ask. A voracious reader, I can't get books fast enough before you finish them. I love your creativity and, although you still have that funny fascination with little tiny pieces of paper that drives me crazy, you make beautiful things. You taught your sister to ride her bike and your brother to start reading. The miles you've journied, my precious girl.

Liney......When we began this journey you were such an anxious soul you would vomit at the drop of a hat! Do you remember when you were the sheep in the Christmas play and you exited the progression, went to the bathroom to throw-up and got back on line to perform?!?!?! We still laugh at that, don't we? This Christmas, you and your trumpet could not get on that stage fast enough to the pleasure of the BIG crowd watching. You took a lead role in the Rome Play, you went away to camp for a week and you and your neighbors performed a New Years concert for the neighborhood on the driveway! You are so very nurturing to your younger siblings and neighbors and you are an amazing student and artist. Someday, my friend, you will actually have to put in some effort to get those terrific grades, but for now, you have it easy! Your art work is so beautiful that other parents constantly tell me about your talent. You are a beautiful writer and creator. You too, love the outdoors and I love seeing my lazy girl frolicking on the streets with her siblings and friends. That bike has logged many, many miles!!!!! You are still my little diva and the shopping queen, but you are learning (slowly) that money does not have to burn a hole in your pocket - delayed gratification is a good thing and the rewards are greater. Liney, you are a friend, a talent and an intellect. What will you become?

Puddin': The baby who never cried; you are still smiling. There has never been a child with a better attitude, a happier disposition or a kinder heart. We began this journey when you were just four years old - barely out of diapers! Now, look at you! You have worked so hard that you are reading, you are playing sports - you worked for hours until you mastered that bicycle. Some things are a bit harder for you and you treat each and every one with a smile - even encouraging your younger brother without a hint of jealousy. You are most noted for your funny "one liners" (at least one makes it back to me in the hallways at school each day!), your smile, your wonderful ability to make friends and your perseverence. Everyone who knows you, loves you. You are an actress and you love the stage. You were the star of many a film this year as the teachers had to produce podcasts - everyone wanted to use you and you soaked up every minute! You sing beautifully and all day and night. You love Brownies, theater, art and music and you love people. You are the first to hit the sheets at night and the last to awake in the morning. You keep us all laughing, laughing, laughing. I am so proud of you, dear Puddin'! You want to be a pop star someday and y'know what, with your talent and charisma, you just might be!

The Boy: could life be any easier for you?!?! You've been "all mine" since you were just two years old - the sole boy in an all girl world. That doesn't stop you one bit. Snakes, sports, school - you've got it all under control and you smile and laugh endlessly. Before you could walk, you used to peddle your tiny trike around the house to get from here to there so it was no surprise when you took the training wheels off your big two wheeler and took off down the street in seconds. You love balls, you love dirt, you love art and you love teasing your sisters! You took that tarantula out of it's cage to dangle in front of the girls just to hear them scream! (Secretly, I was laughing inside even though I had to intervene!) You amaze me, little guy. Nothing stops you from succeeding and you are fearless. Still, with all of your confidence and talent, you crawl beside Mom in the middle of the night to sleep - your little arm wrapped around me and your feet tucked under. That's okay. I know you won't want anything to do with me when you are 12 so I eat it up inside. Watching you grow has has been a pleasure. You will do great things one day, my son!

My four babies, you make me laugh, you make me cry and sometimes, you make me scream; but you always make me proud. Our life is not always easy. Sometimes it scrambled eggs for dinner until pay day. You don't mind. You take it all in stride. Life has taught you those lessons early and, believe it or not, those lessons will make life easier as you grow. You understand that you must work hard for the things you want and that hard work pays off. Nothing has been handed to you and you have learned to appreciate the things that you have.

While I would not have chosen this journey for you, many good things have come from it. We have a long way to go, but this team will make it - together.

I love you all very much,
Mom

Reflecting on 08'

2009-01-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

'Last year started on a bad note. I should have known.......

My trip home 12 months ago was wrought with an amazing lot of "stuff." ( Family stuff, money stuff, friend stuff!) Truly, I wanted the plane back home - fast!

This year I've lost many, found many and met many. I was accused of things that didn't occur,
( I don't defend myself well, but.......) I was in court again....(and no, I have no control over the outcome friends , he is as protected as am I) I wasn't sure who I was at times, I said so-long to dear friends and I met new friends. (My heart still holds a place for those that have moved on.) I always want to do the right thing and at times, I don't know what that is. Sometimes I did the wrong thing. Sometimes dear friends couldn't deal with the right thing - they couldn't deal with the truth. I was there once too and sometimes I awake in the middle of the night and question where I am.

I have to do what is right for me and my family - regardless of popular opinion. AND we are in a great place! I am not out to impress anyone and that realization was the liberation.

I have had the most beautiful New Year!

My kids did a concert on the driveway and the neighbors (Bless their hearts), pulled out the lawn chairs and supported the cause!

I have reconnected with so many people, I am speechless.

I have the BEST neighborhood a single mom could ever hope for! (The kids play from morning til' nite!)

I have no complaints!

I wish you all a most wonderful New Year and to those that have moved on, I miss you and will always hold you dear in my heart. I wish you the same. No heart feelings. No regrets.
I will always be here for you if you need me.

I'm All About Humor

2009-01-01T22:52:00.000-08:00

I love to laugh. I can take just about any situation in life and I can find humor. It's probably my best quality - among others......:)
However, as my kids reach the preteen, difficult years - I'm not laughing.

It's hard to be the single disciplinarian in a child's life. I look mean much of the time! I don't want to be mean, but the kids need boundaries and rules and all of that yucky stuff we hated when we were their ages.

They don't argue with the consequences. They know.

What I remind them (and myself) is that it is easier NOT to discipline. Their behavior makes my life HARDER. Because I LOVE them, I must intervene, correct and redirect - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

When I have the chance, I take a short nap so I can get up and do it all over again. (They usually wake me during this slumber with a silly question......)

SO I laugh cause it's all just so silly. Tomorrow I will be on the very same journey.

It's the ticked I signed for! I love them even though they make me very, very crazy!!!!!!!

Standards

2008-12-23T10:34:00.000-08:00

The only person that should have to live up to your standards is YOU!
Let everyone else off the hook.
Pass no judgments.
Chances are you are wrong.

When one comes to this place of understanding, it is liberating. The energy changes and the world is a much happier place.

It's a lot easier to face each day when you are your only force to be reckoned with!

Enjoy the holidays! Live up to your standards and let the chips fall as they may!

Thoughts

2008-12-16T11:00:00.000-08:00

YOU can't make another person feel loved.

If they aren't capable of loving themselves

in the first place...they are not going to feel

loved by you, either.

Your love can't heal another persons wounds.

Your love can't fill their heart.

In fact, your love may only serve as a reminder of their failure to love themselves.

Your love CAN call out to someone else's love and

wake it from a deep sleep, but it can't actually fill someone's emptiness.

Same goes for you, too.

Happiness

2008-12-10T11:25:00.001-08:00

If you take your happiness
and put it in someone's hands....
sooner or later

they will break it,
or take it away.

When we get married,
we exchange rings
expecting the other person
will make us happy.

Big mistake: basing our happiness
on our partner.

Happiness can only come from inside of you
as a result of your love,
you are responsible for your happiness.

2008-12-09T20:35:00.001-08:00

Each problem has hidden in it an opportunity so powerful that it literally dwarfs the problem. The greatest success stories were created by people who recognized a problem and turned it into an opportunity... Out of clutter, find simplicity. From discord, find harmony.
- Albert Einstein

No "If's"

2008-12-09T10:02:00.001-08:00

Love is unconditional.
Fear is full of conditions.

"I love you...
if you let me control you,
if you fit into the image I make for you,
if you are good to me...."

In Love, there are no "if's".

I love you for no reason.
I love you the way you are,
and you are free to be the way you are.

We don't have the right to change anyone else,
and no one has the right to change us.

No "if's".

Bridges

2008-12-05T23:06:00.000-08:00

It's much easier to build valleys than bridges. Valleys exist when you point out every wrong, every misgiving, every hardship....Valleys are easy because they justify our feelings, disappointments and every other "dis" we've ever felt.

It's bridges we truly want.

Bridges are hard because they require an element of understanding, an element of forgiving and an element of forgetting. To build bridges, you cannot hold grudges, have a point to prove or an alterior motive. It's hard.

I've reached this point. The journey was hard and the losses many, I see what it is I want for my family and that is all that matters.

It's been a long hard road, but we're here!

Happy Holidays!

What you learn when the going gets real tough.....

2008-11-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

Who your real friends are.....
How many lives you touch without even realizing you do.....
How many lives touch yours.....
That you are thought about.....
That others care about your ups and downs,as you do theirs....
That you are remembered as you remember.....
That what goes around DOES come around.....

That you are loved both near and far as you love too.

I have been stunned this week with the contacts, the outpouring, the friendship, the concern and the overwhelming support from people throughout the globe. This is one of the most beautiful holiday seasons I can remember in a VERY long time.

THANKFUL!

Spending Time with Family? Try These....

2008-11-26T09:16:00.000-08:00

If someone upsets you, think......"Thanks, it's time I lose those expectations."

Someone who doesn't take your view into account,think...."That's okay. I was once like that."

If they lie to you, think...."I'm sorry you feel that need."

If they are rude to you, think...."Cheer up. It'll be okay."

If they judge you, think.... "Thanks for sharing your truth."

....And if they greet you with love and a smile.....smile back!

Garbage

2008-11-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a certain amount of garbage.

Your garbage is your garbage.

Those people in our lives...have garbage too.
If we try to clean up "their" garbage....
we end up injured.
It's not our mess to clean up, it's theirs.

You are never in relationship to clean up someone else's garbage...they will clean it up on their own.

Suggestions for a Brighter Tomorrow

2008-11-22T15:41:00.000-08:00

* There is life after this marriage
As hard as it is to believe right now, one day this marriage will just be something you did once. You'll go on and you'll have what you create.

* Get out of denial
Ask yourself: Did you really want that marriage, or were you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you're letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be?
* Don't burn daylight
Grieving doesn't have a time frame on it, but life does. Whether you realize it or not, life is marching on. There comes a time when you have to accept the fact and say, "I've got to get on with my life, I've got to get on with raising my children, I've got to get on with putting things together where I can be a happy, meaningful, productive member of society." Find a way to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

* Take the catastrophic language out of your mind
"My life is over," "I've lost everything," and "Things are horrible" are labels that can have a powerful impact on how you feel. Recognize that it's factually not true. Your life isn't over, it's just a new beginning for you. Changing the negative tapes that run in your head can change how you physically feel.

* Don't waste time with regret
At some point you have to say, "It is what it is." You can't do anything about what you did before; but you can do a lot about what you're doing now.

* Be an example for your children
What kind of mom do you think your kids are experiencing when you're sitting around and crying and looking over your shoulder at what was instead of what is?

You've accepted it. Now it's time to jumpstart your life!

* Define a new relationship with your ex for your children
Your old relationship was husband and wife, your new relationship is as common allies of your children.

* Talk to your kids
Divorce can create emotional wounds in children. Talk to them about what's going on, what they're feeling, and how things will get better. Involve them. If they know there are things they can do to help this transition, it will give them a feeling of power.

* Make a plan
Assess your situation financially, look at your resources to see what your options are in terms of housing, job and finances.

* Create a support squad
Ask for help. People appreciate being asked for help. It's a gift to them to allow them to be there for you. Create a support squad of your closest friends who won't mind providing you with positive emotional support, professional guidance and ongoing inspiration. Realize that you're not the first person to go through this.

* Get your resources and assets around you
Do everything you can to program yourself for success. Find out what your strengths and skills are and focus on them to help move you in a new and positive direction. Everybody has a personal truth — what you believe about yourself when nobody's watching. Remember that you will create the results in life that you believe you deserve.

* Make time for yourself
Make a priority to be a little selfish and do something just for yourself. The most important gift you can give your children is to take care of their parents. Try a new class, start exercising, or reconnect with an old hobby you've forgotten about.

* Make your dream home
It's not the end of the world if you have to change houses. Know that you and your kids are going to create memories there and that's what makes it a dream home.

* Find your authentic self
Although you may no longer be one half of a couple, you are still 100 percent the person who you are. Find that person again.

* Find your passion
What is it that will make you excited to get out of bed every day? Make a list of what you can do to reach your goals.

* Have some joy with your kids
Choose to live with some fun in your new life. Create new memories with your children that will carry them into the future with self-esteem, confidence and happiness.

* Protect yourself in the future
It's important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?" If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high.

Most importantly.....live for today. Yesterday is in the past, tomorrow may never come, but today is a gift - that's why it's called the present!

The Best Gifts We Can Give Our Children

2008-11-20T09:18:00.000-08:00

With the holiday's right around the corner and the economy in despair, this Christmas will surely be lean. Giving thought to the truly important gifts we bestow on our children every day........

THE GIFT OF LOVE, CARE AND UNDERSTANDING. Children need unconditional love, tender care and sincere understanding from parents. There maybe other people who can show love, care and understanding to them but it is no comparable to what parents can give. For coming from parents is something unlimited, no time boundaries and genuine.

THE GIFT OF HEALTH AND SAFETY. It is our basic responsibility as parents to ensure our children's good health and safety. Proper nutrition, safe home and clothing are what they deserved from us.

THE GIFT OF EDUCATION. I remember my dad always told us that the only thing we can inherit from him is our education. Knowledge that cannot be stole by anybody and can be use as a tool in building our future.

THE GIFT OF VALUES AND SELF-DISCIPLINE. Teaching your children strong values is already a true gift from the heart. It will not only make them good citizens but a person who understands discipline.

THE GIFT OF QUALITY TIME. Our children will not be kids forever. They will grow and mature and have their own family too. Each day of their life should be given much value. Being with them all the time will not only increase your family bonding but you can help them build memories.

THE GIFT OF SUPPORT. All children deserve sincere support from parents not only financially but morally and spiritually. Advices and being with them always when problems occur is our way of showing them that we are responsible parents.

DYSFUNCTION

2008-11-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Thinking Outloud Tonight.....

2008-11-13T19:31:00.000-08:00

It was 3 1/2 years ago when the bomb dropped on my life. Cancer and divorce all in one giant swoop. I tried to stand strong, but truthfully, my broken heart and the advice of well meaning friends kept me angry and fighting. It wasn't fair. We really lost everything, but eachother. I can live with little. I wasn't raised in grandeur, but when you are fighting to feed your kids....well....there's not much to say.

What makes me different is that I do not choose to teach lessons or hold grudges. There's too much energy laden in that path. It's not my job. Funny, it is also something that my ex-husband had more difficulty with than I when dealing with certain family members of mine. People go through "stuff" and behave badly - I am no exception. When people change their behavior, the fight is over for me. Not so for some of my friends and I understand that, but for me...well....it's about the outcome.

The economy is a disaster. Add divorce to the already dismal mix and all in our shoes are struggling to make ends meet. I am one of the lucky people who has a family that knows that I don't shout out for help unless necessary and when I do, they respond immediately which I am eternally grateful for. Y'see, I do whatever I can before I ask and it is known that I am honest and trustworthy with the payback. I'm proud of that.

I'm also proud that I can see past the ugliness of the past years on behalf of my kids. Yes, there are many that would call me a fool. Okay. But my kids get one shot at being KIDS and I want it to be the very best journey I can provide. I want their dad involved in their life and I want it to be easy.

Their dad is arriving late tomorrow night for a weekend visit. We have a separate bed and bath downstairs that my dear daughter has been preparing all week for the guest. We have a kitchen and a playgound in the neighborhood. We have sunshine and friends and hot air balloons on the horizon in the morning and gorgeous sunsets in the eve. It's home.

I'm proud of them and also of their dad for putting differences aside to make the future brighter.

I hope that this weekend will be as wonderful as the anticipation leading up to it and look forward to posting a positive outcome.

My Little (BIG) Nephew!!!!

2008-11-01T00:03:00.000-07:00

The hardest thing about divorce is losing family. I had a wonderful family and I am no longer a part of that clan. My brother-in-law married this summer and I awaited pictures because I was not invited. My nieces and nephews who I love dearly, I see less and less - soon to be no more as they grow and develop lives of their own. My brother and sisters-in-laws are bonded by blood thus their loyalty stays at home and we hear from them very, very little. We could always count on a holiday, a birthday, a celebration to bring us together, but now, even when it happens, it does not include me. It is amazing how the choices of one person can effect so many aspects of the lives of others. Somehow, when we fight for so many things in this country, we don't spend enough time fighting for our families.

However.....

My kids received a really fun package from their Aunt this week. Now that conferences were over and we had some daylight time, we were able to call and say thank you.

I love my sister-in-law. I miss the family dearly. Perhaps that is part of the reason that being so far away is sometimes easier......being close by and excluded is painful. Y'know, every time I talk to her, which isn't often, she says the same thing through tears. Somehow those very tears make me feel loved and appreciated. I miss her.

Anyway, my dear, wonderful nephew - a scholar and an athlete - is off to college. I missed all of high school and would have been the aunt sitting in the stands cheering him on! This terrific boy is off to Middlebury to study and play basketball and have the time of his life. I'm simply so proud of him! He's a tremendous kid!!!!

Congrats! I love to hear all about every wonderful thing that comes your way! I'm so very proud of you! I wish I could hug you and tell you this myself!!! You are terrific!

Big Girl........

2008-10-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Jammers is old enough to trick-or-treat with friends. She's off! Wonderful moment for the skittish mom, her knew friend lives in our own neighborhood!!!! So Sammy is trekking off with her posse around Santa Catalina and we are doing home and at the end of the day, the kids are sleeping here. 3 hours in a familiar place with known neighbors and new friends for Jammy - three hours in a new place with new neighbors for us - a pick-up on a sugar high, a crazy night for Mom and.........until next year!

Another parent reinforces my self esteem and makes me smile/

2008-10-28T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ms. A,

Thank you so much! John and I talked tonight about how grateful we are for your presence and influence in our kids' lives and ours. I feel like we have these wonderful and complicated little puzzles that we have to figure out, and it takes special teachers with great ability, interest, and heart to break the code. It is rare to find all of these things in a single teacher.

thanks!
j

Day's End

2008-10-27T20:46:00.001-07:00

Victims of the system, we wait and wait and wait once again - for the tax refund, the money's owed, the support checks - dollar to dollar we make our way We gave up cable, the swim club, I work two jobs and we stick close to home - painting our walls, reading, studying and enjoying the playground just down the street. Thanks to dear loved ones, our electricity was not turned off today.

Seriously, minus financial woes, I am happy. I LOVE my job and the parents and kids let me know daily that I DO make a difference. I have aged - I sit back passively now and understand the hysterical parent that I once took to heart - the parent I probably once was.

I am making wonderful lasting friends - not the kind that need to rehash every aspect of every situation - friends who chip in whether financially, physically or emotionally without being asked, friends who, like me, understand a struggle and celebrate a win - who get where I have been and appreciate the times I just need to SING!

I deal with little traffic!!!! Bonus + however, the ongoing construction is messing with my zen.

A parent tonight said, "I am just so grateful that you came into my boys life. I am thankful for you every day!"

My response: "I am grateful to work with your boys and grateful to have them with me."

SO.......while I hit the end of my rope today, the day ended on a positive note with hope and love and an invitation to dinner which is, quite honestly, the very beginning of the next phase of my life.

Geez....I hope (know) they are paying!

Feeling the stress.

2008-10-22T18:11:00.000-07:00

Nothing is easy. My greatest stress - for as long as I remember- is dealing with finances. I do NOT like the inner turmoil this causes my heart. I feel the adrenaline rise, I get all emotional and feel like
I am twelve. Our cable is out, the electric bill still needs to be paid, the mortgage is due and the kids have needs food. clothing and shelter. I work two jobs. I do my part, but it is not enough. This is the bane of my existence - the greatest source of turmoil in my marriage and one that will never, ever go away. Sometimes, I want to give up and then, something wonderful happens and my heart swells with pride. I hope and pray that tomorrow is the day of something wonderful!!!!!! It is my son's birthday and I simply want to celebrate.

Sometimes.......

2008-10-15T09:12:00.000-07:00

There are days that simply start off wrong - and today was one of them. My oldest daughter didn't feel well, but I had to send her to school because my other daughter has a play at school today and The Mom couldn't take the day off. I went to make dinner with the last of the food in the house and found it half eaten. I ran out of medication and cannot fill the script until the damn checks arrive. The fall festival is Friday - my oldest is volunteering and I can't buy the tickets for the others for the same reason I can't fill the script - and medication must come before festivals. Three of my kids have outgrown every single article of clothing they own - especially The Boy, who must have shot up three inches in two months. I'm working two jobs and have come to realize I will most likely need a night job to meet the needs of the kids alone. So, basically, today is one of those "I look like crap and I feel like a failure" days and I don't care who knows it!

Eye Opener

2008-10-12T20:01:00.000-07:00

I've come to a tremendous realization about myself and that is, I did everything to make everyone else happy regardless of how I felt inside. My 40's have brought a new awakening - perhaps a midlife crises of sorts. If it doesn't look like me, I don't wear it, if it doesn't feel right, I don't do it and if I don't want to, I don't have to. This may seem simple to most of you.....but for me, I juggled a peacemaking roll and took a hell of a lot of judgment to heart - I was redressed, remade, reworked and tried for years to fit a square peg into a round hole to keep everyone happy. Ya know what.....no one worked half as hard for me and I am so happy to be me - in MY home, MY clothes and hanging with MY kids and friends in a place that doesn't feel strange anymore.

Working together for the common good

2008-10-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

I am grateful today.
I was heard and action was taken. We have been struggling with lack of support - to no one's fault - but do to a gaff in the system that has held the funds in limbo for weeksandweeksandweeks. We have made multiple phone calls, been told multiple stories, tried in vain to resolve this issues, but to no avail. It's a real shame.

Finally, I spoke to Dad about the issue and requested that he attempt intervention. I am SO pleased that this did not turn out to be another reason to feud, but instead a cause that required action. Even better, there was follow through and COMMUNICATION that enabled the issue to move forward in a positive manner.

I am feeling better tonight. This too, shall come to an end.

Full Days/Special Times

2008-10-02T21:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, our days are so full that I feel like they run into each other. Ever felt that way? I start somewhere between 5 and 5:30 a.m. and go nonstop until lights out. With the economy challenging my status, I may have to take on a night job which will only add to the hours. No different than many others in my shoes these days and I'm holding off as long as I can.

That said, I was in an emotional pickle this morning. The landscapers cashed the check and somehow it was overlooked as a contract needing attention. That fixed, I'm still in a battle to get the child support due since the beginning of September - now we are two months in arrears and as I have said before, this is only the fault of bureaucracy. Not that this realization helps us much, but it is the truth. Kids are outgrowing clothes, food needs to be purchased, mortgage needs paying and our money sits in limbo somewhere between an employer and the state.

So, today for the first time in months - I lost it. I cried. I was angry. I'm fed up!! I'm sick of working my ass off and feeling behind the eight ball. I'm sick of the responsibility for everyday falling on me alone. I'm sick of people making decisions for themselves that impact my life. I'm sick of it all!!!!

At the end of my rope, I get a message from my in laws. They are coming to visit at the end of the month!!!! Further, I have the most wonderful morning greetings and night time hugs a mom could ever ask for. What started out as a terrible day ended so warm and loving and perfect.

We will make it.....we will make it....we will make it!!!!!!!!!

I'm struggling between a rock and a hard place.....

2008-10-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine moved back to where I once lived and her struggle to readjust to the east coast breaks my heart. Another fell ill, quite suddenly and lost a family member in the flurry. A third is battling a heartbreaking disease.

I am not there for any of these wonderful people because I am in a personal battle all my own. I know they all understand, but I feel horrible not holding the hands, giving the hugs, making the meals and loving on those that make me smile.

To you all....I love you and I am here!

Crazy Economy

2008-09-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

I'm only too grateful that I bought my home when I did. That said, I'm missing the comfort of a savings in the bank. Please pray for us at this time of need. All prayers are welcome!!:) These are hard times for all!!!!

E Mail lovin'

2008-09-30T09:05:00.001-07:00

Hi Mom,
I know that you had a tough day today and I have been trying to make it better.

Love~x billion, million, google, trillion
Sammy
xoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxxooxxoxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxxoxxxxxxxoooooooooxxxxxxxxxxxxxooooooooooooooooooxxxxxxxxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxxoxoxxoxox OH JUST THINK OF THIS THE X AND O's UNTIL THE END OF TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I L*O*V*E U F*O*R*E*V*E*R AND 4 A*L*W*A*Y*S!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I could pick a mother it would be Y*O*U BBBBBBBBBBBBEEEEEEEEEEECCCCCCCCCAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEE (BECAUSE)

YOU ARE
___________________________

~1. Pretty (and your)
~2. Smart (and your)
~3. Kind (and your)
~4. WONDERFUL
-----------------------------
-----------------------------
-----------------------------

I also L*O*V*E U because you take care of me when I am sick and you always will be on my side. You give me food and shelter and you would do anything for me because I love you and you love me and you are the sweetest and wonderful and best and greatest and strongest and bravest and anything good person I know.........
-
-

Relax......You Probably Did Something Right Today

2008-09-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

You know those days when everything that can go wrong will? They start somewhere before sunrise when a child gets sick in bed and end somewhere after the dog chews up your favorite pair of shoes.

In between, its just a blur and you are sure you are simply treading water to get through, rather than experience, the day.

Finally, there is that wonderful moment when you are hugged and hugged and hugged - unconditionally loved, just because you were there to see the day through.

2008-09-25T22:46:00.001-07:00

When you are the sole boy surrounded by a clan of girls (including the dogs) you just want a tiny piece of turf. Our boy is every bit BOY - trucks, dirt, lizards......fearless and fun. His big birthday wish was a "boy pet" for his room - not a fish or anything easy; something more interesting like a lizard or a SNAKE. Mom said "no!" to the snake - not because I hate them (I actually love them), but because I hate FEEDING them.

A trek to the pet store with the girls today proved me wrong. Some genius has decided to FREEZE the mice so we don't have to witness the slaughter of innocent, furry little creatures that my girls would have wanted to adopt!

On sale today was a MALE baby Ball Python and he returned home from school today to an early birthday present and a new "night light"

At first, he was a bit shocked, then a bit nervous, but after 5 minutes The Boy and "Linny" were new best friends!

I Won the Bet!!!!

2008-09-22T21:16:00.000-07:00

En route to school this morning, my birthday girl was feeling a bit lost. The last conversation she has with her dad was harsh!!!!

We have decompressed for days and as of this morning, she was questioning whether she was loved less than her sister.

Of course, I reassured her that was not the case. I, once again, went on a limb to explain what I know to be true. She would have none of it.

So....we made a bet. I bet her a hypothetical $50 that she would have her IPOD at the end of the day - that Dad would come through and proclaim himself a hero. I was laughed all of the way into school this morning.

None the less, the phone rang right after school. The IPOD was ordered and engraved. I know the pattern. Beat me up and bring me flowers! She was almost frustrated that I won the bet - I wasn't because she was smiling.

So the story ends happily. Albeit....we have a lot of therapy to deal with! :) I'll not let this happen again.

The Dinner Table

2008-09-21T20:55:00.000-07:00

From the time my kids were born, sitting down at the dinner table was an important part of our day - as important as reading aloud, tucks in and bedtime rituals.

For awhile, I lost my momentum as a mom. I had no appetite, my taste buds were fried by radiation and, quite frankly, I was suffering a paralyzing depression that afforded me the energy to go to work, deal with the kids, and head off to sleep asap. Such is life when dealt huge blows.

Of course, the kids always has a nutritious dinner and there bedtime story. It was the family time that was lacking.

Well, healed and moving on, sorry for the past and moving forward, we have our tradition renewed. It is such and important time of the day. We sit together - no t.v., no phone, no anything but each other and we process the day, resolve conflict, make plans and just connect.

As we navigate these dark seas, I want to offer out hope. If you asked me 1 year ago where I'd be....I'd have no answer. Even six months ago, I was still caught in the system.

But, sitting down to dinner, seven nights per week, LAUGHING, SHARING and LOVING.....Priceless!!!!!

I'm a LIAR!!!!!!

2008-09-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

Kids tucked in, dogs sequestered, I sat outside on the logia and the tears poured. When all is quiet, it bothers me to the core. I want so badly to protect my kids. I want to fix everything in the moment. But, I can't and that hurts and I was faithfully honest until I was alone and given time to reflect on the evening. Then, I realized, I turn it off for my kids and when I turn it on......YUCK!!!! I don't turn it on much - but damn, don't hurt my kids!!!!!!!!

What is there to say?

2008-09-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

Two of my daughters celebrate birthdays this week. One makes sure the world knows about it - weeksandweeksandweeks ahead of time and has a list a mile long of desires, wants and wishes. The other, is more humble about it - wishing to be remembered from the "outside" by others who show her that she is in their thoughts. She waits until asked to share her desires. She wonders about the little surprises that may await.

That said, she also is easily disappointed and brought to anger when she feels forgotten. I get it - I used to be the very same way. My expectations of people were, well......I expected to receive the same "love" I put out there. If someone said they would "call me later" I was offended when later never came.

With maturity and experience; the busyness of life, I lost that trait. I no longer expect anything from anyone and am, quite frankly, surprised when I am remembered, thought about or considered at all!!! :) Such is life raising four kids alone!!!!!

Well, for my beautiful adolescent, life hasn't taught those lessons yet. She is struggling tonight - and has been for a few days with disappointment. Her father can't purchase both birthday gifts at once, but rather than explaining that fact, they have been arguing - the problem, in her eyes, being refocused on her. Oh that I could give her just a piece of the lessons I've learned dealing with this very situation for the past three years!!!!!!!

She is not a "BRAT" as she has been called multiple times in the past few days - just a kid that wants her parents as excited about her big day as she is!!!!!! A kid, that just once, wants to feel that she is remembered and considered and loved unconditionally by both of her parents.

So, I sit here tonight speechless. To say we go through these motions every year is pointless. To try to explain projection and denial - just as worthless. For me to bring up those angry and hurt emotions - backsliding; and quite honestly, I fall into a place of apathy rather than anger now. Heck, I've spent years in therapy trying to understand these things myself and my old, wise person still gets frustrated at times. (Hence the reason I no longer even try to foster the conversations anymore!)

These situations no longer make my blood boil. I am in a good place where I offer my child advice and an unconditional ear - I want her to resolve these conflicts, not remain paralyzed by them. They no longer keep us up until the wee hours and although she had some pretty HARSH words on her lips tonight, she was quickly settled and our house has moved on. In fact, she has already placed a call to discuss her feelings now that the anger has somewhat subsided. She's a faster learner than I ever was!!!!! :)

Really, there is little I can say and her evaluation of the situation was spot on. I just listen and listen and listen and really, that's all that she needs.

No different,,,

2008-09-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

I had one of those epiphanies tonight.
My life is no different now than it was before.
I miss the sharing of an evening t.v. show; perhaps a footrub and definitely the security of knowing that someone else was there, but beyond that......my jobs remain the same.
THAT is a big eye-opener.
I miss the fun times......not the extra work.

I loved being married, but am not sure I'll ever do it again.

I Love....

2008-09-17T21:10:00.000-07:00

My new house.
Celebrating birthdays.
Wonderful teachers.
cEven better, friend.
Great food.
People to share it with.
hA good bargain.
A Gift card.
Hugs.
Kisses,
Snuggles in the early morning.
Snuggles whenever.
Stories.
Struggles.
Random visits.
Water.
An good old story.
A hearty laugh.
A playful giggle.
A shared dream.
My own dreams.
Cut outs.
Clean ups.
Clean laundry
Fresh sheets
Flowers.
ICE CREAM!
BOOKS!
The smell of the snuggle with my kids after a bath.
Clean PUPPIES
Puppies in general.
A clean house.
A DETAILED CAR!!!!!
Friends.
Family.

..... to be continued

Friday night.....

2008-09-12T20:32:00.001-07:00

We headed out from school today at 3:45 to a check up (and needed shot) for the BOY who has charm, intelligence and integrity for everything BUT shots so we hung in there and dealt with the trauma. Even the nurse had to laugh at the dirty look that followed the needle!!!! Mom truly, had to hide her giggles. SO CUTE!!!!!!

The bottom line - I was there. I comforted the wound. I held the Boy and in minutes, the trauma was over - we were on to dinner.

This is what they will remember. Just being there when it STINGS!!!!!!!!!

Sweet Tooth

2008-09-10T22:23:00.001-07:00

A sweet partner of mine was doing a fundraiser for her volleyball team......selling Otis Spunkmeyer cookie dough by the box for a minimal fee. We all chipped in. My friend Jeannie and I split two boxes among us.

OMG!!!! Was I a HERO tonight at dessert!!!!! So easy - so delicious - so reasonable. Should you ever encounter one of these sales.....JUST DO IT!!!!!! I made eight cookies - already they're asking about tomorrow night.

(I'm thinkin' I can get some great housework done with this motivator!)

The Routine.....

2008-09-10T20:03:00.000-07:00

There's one of me.
There's four of them. (Plus two puppies!!!)
It took awhile to regain composure and reestablish a routine that met everyone's needs.
As I've said in earlier posts, my needs are generally met in the early a.m. before I am bombarded with needs and requests, questions and stories, hair and homework, emails and conferences.......oh, the list is endless!!!!!

We awake EARLY - a full two hours before school. The kids know - they are not to emerge before dressed (unless they awake extra early) and beds are made, laundry collected and ready for breakfast. Of course, this is perfection and laden with reminders and redirection, but as they age, it gets better and better.

Following a quick breakfast with lunch boxes in hand, we head out the door. They are not allowed to buy school lunch more than once (OCCASIONALLY twice) per week so while they dress, I prepare breakfast and lunch. We usually leave the house at around 7:30 a.m. as Jammers hits the bus at 8:00 and I need some before school time to organize. My position as a duty aide begins at 8:30 so I lost an extra 40 minutes in the morning. It hasn't been bad.

After school, I also duty aide. Once done, I meet the kids in my classroom - there is NO play allowed until the majority of homework is done. This is the motivator for hard work - in addition, the best time to have my attention if needed for assignments. Generally, we leave school around 5 p.m. - sometimes a little later, but I try to keep to a schedule for their sake. Near 5:30, we enter our home.

At this hour, I start dinner and the little ones start baths and showers. By 6:30, we sit down to a family dinner. This is an important, decompressing time of the day and the t.v. is off, the phone off the hook. The kids set the table and clear. It's one of the times I learn the most about my kids.

By 7:30, the dishes are cleared. There is a bit of time for relaxation before read alouds and tuck-ins.

8:30-9:00, my house is closed for the day. The dishwasher is humming and so too are the washer and drier. Responsibilities complete, we hunker down for another LLOONNNNGGG day ahead.

People often compliment us on our "togetherness." (LOL - for awhile we were anything BUT!) Really, we couldn't function without a clock, a calendar and a routine!

What it Means to Move Ahead....

2008-09-09T20:02:00.000-07:00

There are many people I know, who saw me at my worst. I was a complete mess...admittedly so! Oh, the sadness, the resentfulness, the loss and the fear! Enough said. Those were bad times. I can hardly remember them now - I simply motored through, did what I had to do to get to the next day - made it work.

Some are able to forget those times - to others they define my family and I. It's sad to think that a few weak years redefine a lifetime, but they do. I accept that. I know I have also been guilty of the same!

The bottom line is that, in order to move on, sometimes you have to kiss a loving good-bye to those that hold you in the past. It's a sad time. It should be done with grace, but it rarely is. I've done it AND I've felt it.

In reality, relationships go through seasons. I've had some of the best and continue to cherish those near and dear. I have also had my eyes opened to those that were toxic - damaging to the big picture of life - those people that were really, on the "opposing team," who loved to 'kick me when I was down' just to pick me up. After awhile, it was expected - it got old - my ears got tired. That's a painful, but illuminating lesson.

From those lessons, I have felt empowered - stronger - better able to handle the trials of life and my focus has been regrounded.

We're glad to be where we are now! So glad life moves forward rather than in reverse!

Brute Strength or Adreneline Overload:)

2008-09-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

Just after we moved into our home, my five year old did what five years olds do.....within minutes, the master bathtub overflowed (in the 20 seconds I went downstairs to pull a boiling pot off the stove) and we had a proverbial rainstorm in our family room. Of course, water takes the path of least resistance so, through the prewired surround sound outlets and atop our television it poured. The internal components were immediately fried. BUMMER! For weeks now, we have had no family movie nights and shortly following this, the kids "accidently" knocked the loft television off line as well which left us with a twenty-inch screen in the master bedroom for all of our visual entertainment needs.

I inquired about the cost of repair and was sadly informed that the cost of fixing our well outdated big screen would be more than the cost of purchasing a new, low end model. Now, I don't have the funds to do either and after a depressing trek through Best Buy yesterday, I was resigned to the fact that we and our twenty inch screen would just have to make do for awhile. Not the worst thing in the world, but not the best either.

Enter Super Mom. After much internet research and a few failed attempts, I succeeded in rewiring our loft t.v!!!! Filled with a newfound enthusiam, I decided that this t.v. would make it's way to our family room and we would reclaim Friday night at the movies. SINGLE HANDEDLY, I moved the huge, HEAVY, broken set out of the way and carried the other set down, rewired again (now I'm an expert) and we are up and running - FOR FREE!!!!

Admittedly, I'm a bit proud of myself!!!! (and I'm a hero to my kids as well - an added little perk that I'll hold onto for the next bad day!)

Before You Divorce...

2008-09-05T19:48:00.000-07:00

Okay....
The wages are FINALLY garnished.
Let me explain what that means.....
The employer has seven days to turn the wages over to the state which now forward them to me - soon to be a direct deposit, but not yet....another 30 days out.
As this just took affect.....we see no money and we have no more to give.
It will take weeks before we are "caught up.
Thus, my mortgage needs to be paid and until next month we are not ahead of the game.
We took our last $50 to purchase weekend food.
Talk about LEAN!!!!!!

Family Vacation.....

2008-09-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

We invited dad for the long weekend in Disney in October. We feel great about ir. It is a birthday getaway for the kids and the gift they requested. I love that we can do it. No strings. Just Family time together.

Bedtime

2008-09-04T21:04:00.000-07:00

In our house, bedtime doesn't stagger.....we all brush teeth together, potty and get ready for the "read around" The youngest reads to the rest and gets tucked in, the next youngest reads aloud and gets tucked in, the third reads to the two others (they share a room) and the last reads to me. We switch the order - sometimes oldest to youngest - sometimes we start in the middle. It's a beautiful, wonderful family tradition that both serves to meet the read aloud requirement and also join our family tightly before bed. It's a time of day I absolutely covet as a mother because the focus is where it should absolutely be.

Wake and Sleep

2008-09-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

I truly do awake at 5 a.m. It's the hour when I catch up on life. I read, correct papers, wander with my cup of coffee - sometimes doze - a lazy,relaxed way to enter the day....It's a cherished time for me - my only time alone. Around 6:30 the house begins to stir and the day hits me head on, right between the eyes. From that moment until about 7:30p.m. we hit work/school, my after school job, homework, house cleaning,cooking, laundry, dishes - it's a whirlwind. Finally, we settle all together for a show or a book or both for a brief few minutes before we hunker down. Mom too. Long day. And tomorrow morning we start all over again........I DO APPRECIATE THE WEEKENDS!!!!!

The Election......

2008-09-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else having trouble with the fact that this has turned in to an election of VP's rather than P's?!?! Just wondering - late at night.......

All Moved In....Again........

2008-08-31T20:50:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany tonight.....
Perhaps I've had it before, but tonight was different.

Since 2002, I have moved FIVE times.....FIVE!!!!!! For a girl that lived in the same house for 36 years of her life, that in itself, is mind boggling!!! (and the first of those moves was to a wonderful home that lasted three years!)

What I realized tonight is that four of those moves were done SOLO and the first was done before the birth of the fourth child. In other words, my ex has never moved himself with all four children, but we together, have been transient. No wonder I'm tired!!!!! (and, admittedly, a bit resentful after this weekend!)

As we unpacked, put away, cleaned up and worked together to make our house a HOME, it struck me how much we have been through and how well we have succeeded together. My boy was two - and now he's a full time student.....my OLDEST was eight and now a tween!

I was born into the same house that received three of my four children. THIS house is THEIRS.......

Welcome home, kids!!!!

2008-08-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

Our Home at Last!

2008-08-25T21:38:00.001-07:00

Our Home at Last!

We did it!!!! We finished the move. A good house cleaning and a "thank you so much" and we're off to our new life with no strings attached. Truly, I didn't realize until after a LLOOONNNGGG 12 hour day at work, just how exhausting this has been. I look around my wonderful, simple new home, my perfect neighborhood for the kids, and all I see are BOXES and pictures awaiting their permanent resting places. Being the great procrastinator that I am, I simply look. I have a lifetime to complete this task, right? I've said this before and I HOPE I never say this again......"If I never move again it will be too soon!" (Although, I must admit, doing it in stages was FAR LESS stressful than an all at once gig and I barely noticed the strain until I came close to the deadline.)

There is a reason why moving is on the top ten list of stressors - along with death of a loved one, illness, job changes, divorce etc. Amazingly, I was hit with 5 out of ten simultaneously and I'm still standing - happy and peaceful, in fact. Would I want to live through any of this again? NO!!!!!!!! Did I struggle at times? YES!!!!! Is it over? YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No matter what your circumstances, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it's a spark, sometimes just a flicker....but it's there. You just keep swimming until you can see it head on and you learn with each dark, scary step that all will eventually be okay.

I'm sure those people who climb big mountains don't LOVE the journey. It's the goal. From the bottom, the journey must look daunting. Mid way, the fatigue must be paralyzing. Close to the top, there must be thoughts of "I can't do this anymore, but I came this far so I press on."

....And then, they reach the summit...the gold ring....the prize....and they realize, they have a great story to tell and it was all worth it because they MADE IT!

Well....WE MADE IT TOO!

Curriculum Night...

2008-08-25T20:57:00.000-07:00

Tonight was curriculum night - the night the parents come and hear about the grade level expectations and methods used to meet the state and federal standards. I have been the Gifted Education specialist at my school for a few years and, for the most part, the parents of the gifted education kids LOVE me because their kids do and because I get their kids.

Now, there are a few high achievers that, through extra enrichment and tutoring, have seeped into the program. These parents want to rewrite the curriculum to meet their needs....to make their children's education more "elite" than that of the other kids. They bore me.

The parents of truly "gifted kids" have their hands full with a host of other issues and are simply happy if they do not get a phone call home during the day. These "out of the box thinkers" are a challenge to teach and more, a challenge to parent. The are distracted, passionate, disorganized - and many are twice exceptional. Gifted education IS a branch of special education - not some sought after goal that guarantees entrance into Harvard. Many of these kids, if not motivated, become dropouts because the "system" doesn't work for them and simply socializing with typical kids is a challenge.

I love my job - I love the fact that I get to utilize many of my skills and degrees to make for a wonderful day for my students. I do not love some of the parents that come in with a chip on their shoulder wanting a private or charter school program in a public education setting. I do not love being put on the spot by the same mother over and over again, year after year because she wants what she wants - not what the district mandates.

In our state, parents have choices and these parents have money. If they are displeased with the public school, they can opt for charter or private school. They can opt in and out of schools within the district through open enrollment. With so many options, I don't see why they have to challenge instead of choose.

I do my job and I do it well. I am the first Gifted Education Specialist to stay in the role for more than one year because of the nature of the population at this school. The role suits me and 98% of the parents dole out a plethora of accolades!

Why I let this 2% bother me is a mystery. I guess, as a dedicated teacher, I want to please everyone all of the time although I know this is impossible.

What teachers make.....

2008-08-24T22:18:00.000-07:00

What Teachers Make

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a
CEO, decided to explain the problem with education.

He argued, 'What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best
option in life was to become a teacher?'

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: 'Those
who can, do. Those who can't, teach'

To emphasize his point he said to another guest; 'You're a teacher, Bonnie.
Be honest. What do you make?'

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, 'You want
to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

'Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a
C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't
make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental.

You want to know what I make?' (She paused again and looked at each and
every person at the table.)

''I make kids wonder.

I make them question.

I make them apologize and mean it.

I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.

I teach them to write and then I make them write. Keyboarding isn't
everything.

I make them read, read, read.

I make them show all their work in math. They use their God-given brain,
not the man-made calculator.

I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know
in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand, placing their hand over their heart to say the
Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, One Nation Under God, because we live in
the United States of America .

I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work
hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.'

(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

'Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money
isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because
they are ignorant... You want to know what I make?

I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?'

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

Doing the right thing - because I want to

2008-08-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

The boy said to me today, "I don't have a real daddy." It broke my heart. Really.
I responded saying, "You have a wonderful Daddy. You just had a great trip to NY and it was a wonderful time with Dad!"
Response: "But I don't have a real dad like the other kids." \
Choke.....Sigh......Tear......
No.....he doesn't.

Wnen Daddy called tonight, the kids asked if he was coming for their birthdays. I had been thinking about this for awhile, silently pondering how I would deal with this as money for both of us is tight, tight TIGHT!!!!!!

We now have a downstairs bedroom and, quite honestly, neither of us has a dime to spare and I know that.

So, I buckled down and offered the room - something I've been pondering late at night for weeks - I went out on a limb on behalf of wonderful kids and Dad does, in fact, have a place to say if he so chooses. I know many would call me a fool, but really, who wins and who loses? Is it about the adults or the children? (Silently, the best thing I ever did was to get rid of the staunch critics!)

So many would call me a fool, but really it's all about them and seeing their dad is the most important thing.
I'm happy - not sorry, guys!
And yes....I do hope he takes the offer on behalf of our WONDERFUL childrem!

A Conversation with a Kindergartener

2008-08-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

The Boy: Me and Keanu and Ben caught a WHOLE FAMILY of beetles on the playground!
The Mom: Really? You did? Did you show them to your teacher?
The Boy: No, but we showed them to the GIRLS!
The Mom: Did the girls like them?
The Boy: Mom, they were TOTALLY GROSSED OUT!!!! (Laughter)
The Mom: What did you do with them? Did you let them go?
The Boy: Yeah, we let them go. It was time to go in so we let them go. (long pause)
....and then we STOMPED on them!!!!!!

Single Parenthood

2008-08-21T20:28:00.000-07:00

Double standards
Little money
Long days
Short nights
Homework
All the laughs
All the snuggles
Getting by
Moving forward
Letting go

Healing....after three years!

2008-08-15T23:01:00.000-07:00

Got a new house.
Planning a party,
Never thought I would do it again!!!!!!
Feels good!!!

Details to follow,
Missing a few key note speakers.
In my heart always.

Bowing Gracefully

2008-08-15T22:27:00.000-07:00

Jammers needed a plethora of school supplies this week in addition to the bulk i had already purchased.
So did Liney.
The kids DO stress out over this!!!!

No pride here.
I did what I could do and Jam approached her band teacher and simply said, "My mom can't afford it."
Enough said.

Books in hand.

It sometimes breaks my heart, but it is what it is.

Working Duty and a multitude of after school programs, I cannot say I am not doing my part1

Thrive After Divorce www.ThriveAfterDivorce.com

2008-08-15T19:59:00.007-07:00

LAUNDRY

2008-08-13T20:26:00.001-07:00

The necessasary peril.
I have a new plan after DROWNING in this enemy for YEARS!

Each kid has a laundry bag with their name on it - A cheap canvas bag that I labeled with a fabric pen.

Each day I take one bag to the laundry room.....two loads; colors and whites.

Every kid has a different "laundry day"

They fold and put away! Simple Their bag, their clothes, THEIR JOB!!!!!!!

This doesn't work pre age five but it has been a lifesaver thereafter!

(And they look forward to "their day" so it is no longer a chore either!)

Low Moment.....

2008-08-13T19:34:00.000-07:00

My budget reaches to the end of every penny and beyond SO....

When the necessary checks don't arrive I am at a loss of words or response. Choices somehow seem limited and
I am TIRED of the same old thing over and over again.

I have taken on a second job at school and two after school programs.

I'm FRUSTRATED tonight!!!!!!

I don't like being between a rock and a hard place!!!!!!

Thoughts....

2008-08-04T05:19:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes losing everything you believe is important to help you regain focus and control of your life. I could not have written that post even 6 months ago - I was still engaged in the emotional repartee of toxic relationships - relationships that brought me down instead of making me stronger, confidants that didn't hesitate to "dish it out," with poetic license, but who refused to accept the same honesty in return and zapped my self esteem; who kept me in a cycle of anger and resentment.
The day I let go of that anger and chose to thrive was the beginning of a tremendous wave of positive energy that continues to enrich my life in ways I never dreamed would happen.
Do you want to be "right" or do you want to be "happy?"

Being Yourself and Doing it Well

2008-08-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

I’m a single mom.

I am also a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a musician, a student and a writer.

I wear many hats and doing so is not always easy.

Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. Being a great mom also means taking care of yourself - a lesson that took me three years and a lot of pain to learn.
Some things I've learned the HARD WAY:

1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a single parent. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a parent.

2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn't ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being parented by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with a trusted sitter for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.

3. You're not perfect. This is true for life in general regardless of single parenthood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a single parent, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup. You need to stop living up to the expectations you had of yourself before you became a single parent. You are not in the same situation as before and that is OKAY!

4.Stop feeling guilty. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of single parenthood. A friend once told me that she feels guilty every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. Once you make a decision, like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself or letting others second guess you. You are doing the best that you can. I used to entertain all the time and I took great pride in that role. I no longer have the time, the means or the interest in adding anything extra to my to-do list. Some have actually found this insulting! Face it, you cannot physically, financially or emotionally be all things to all people at all times. No one can, single or not, and you are not expected to. As long as you love your children and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine and those that don't understand that are toxic to your well being.

5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while, but for the most part, step back and see them for the wonderful people that they are. Think back and remember yourself during that season in your life and remember how hard growing up can be. I am not a patient person by nature, but single parenthood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.

6. Listen to your children. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, but it's not always the case. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. Children need parents who are active listeners, who guide them to make decisions and become effective problem solvers, not parents who heal all wounds, solve all problems and immediately discipline all offenses, often in the interest of time. REAL LISTENING takes time, a closed mouth and an open mind. You've been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. My daughter once felt that a close friend of mine didn't like her - she was adamant about it and I was dismissive. Guess what, as it turns out, she was right and while I no longer see that friend, I learned about listening the hard way; fortunately, not at my daughter's expense.

7. Be their parent, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic and no two families look alike. As single parents, we negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ parents – not their friends (in a friendly way, of course.)

8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a HUGE favor. If you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions they will know how to find real happiness in life. My kids early years were spent in a very affluent community and we were no different. Life is so much easier now! When it’s time to declutter, I allow my children to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. We reuse as much as we can, resell as much as we can and our motto is "If something new comes in, something old goes out." We buy only what we REALLY need, everyone does not get the same amount and we wait until things go on sale. There's something to be said for the lesson of delayed gratification too - especially in this age of immediate feedback!

9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. I allow my kids to pursue those enrichment activities they truly enjoy, am actively involved in their school work, but understand that not every experience or grade is going to be perfect.....and in my house, that's okay. My job is to guide them, not push them!

10. Teach them self-esteem. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This person is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. You teach this by showing your children that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them and by loving them unconditionally. Focus on your child's strengths, not their weaknesses and use positive, encouraging words to help them to do the same. Keep their personal issues private so they learn to trust you and see you as a safe haven. High self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids.

11. Teach them to be self-reliant. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. Don't get involved in your children's arguments - allow them to solve these issues and come to a compromise themselves. You'd be surprised at how little they really need you when they scream your name!

12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a single parent, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids, your home, your job and yourself, that you sometimes forget to relax and have fun. Kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult: playing in the rain, making sand castles, singing at the top of your lungs, a date with play dough, finger painting....... See the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Enjoy them.

Parenting is a big job. Single parenting is 2x bigger. Isn't it a great feeling to wake up each day and really love going to work?

Positives of a Single Parent Household

2008-08-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

Do you feel like your basic daily routine is just more of "the same," day in and day out, as though your life were one big treadmill? You get up, take care of the kids, head off to work, come home and do chores, make dinner, help the kids with their homework, and collapse in exhaustion, only to get up the next day and do it all again, right? Well, there's no denying that life can certainly feel this way at times, especially when everything that must be accomplished falls squarely on your shoulders as a single parent. In addition, there is so much misinformation and negative opinion out there about the effects of divorce on families and children. This can add to the overwhelming sensation that you can't do anything right.

Good news, fellow solo parents, there are also many positives to this scenerio as well!!!

Some of the positives of a single parent household include:

* A child from a single parent home who is loved and supported has no more problems than a child from a two parent home. (Remember that when you get poor advice from well meaning friends!!!! It's just the boost you need!)
* Whether or not the child uses their free time constructively (for example, reading or playing sports) depends on discipline, family routine and quality time between parent and child - not whether the child has one or two parents living in the house.
* The child is typically mature and responsible.
* The parent is typically self-reliant and confident. (Not a bad thing to role model for your kids, right?)
* The relationship between parent and child is close.
* Single fathers are more likely to use positive parenting techniques than married fathers.
* Single parent families are less likely to rely on traditional gender-specific roles than two parent families.
* Single parents tend to rely on positive problem-solving strategies rather than punitive discipline when faced with difficult child behaviors. This does not mean you "don't discipline," just that you "discipline differently."
* Single parents tend to spend more quality time with their children because they have less time to waste.

Things to remember

* There are different reasons why a person becomes a single parent and it takes time to adjust to this role.
* Single parenting differs from dual parenting in many ways, but the most common difference is that single parents may involve their children in more household decision making. This does not mean the house is "child centered" as I have heard some say.....it means you operate as a family together.
* Children may have more duties and responsibilities around the home from an earlier age, simply because there isn’t another adult around. This is not a BAD thing, simply a fact and when my 5 year old son took out the vacuum to clean up his own spilled popcorn without being asked, I found it to be a pretty GOOD thing myself!

These are things to feel good about, they are facts! Just because some don't agree doesn't mean you are not doing a GREAT JOB!

Observation....

2008-07-30T18:16:00.000-07:00

My days with my kids are long.....
Without them, they seem even longer.......

If at all possible, be kind to your ex!

2008-07-28T18:40:00.000-07:00

My kids are heading back to their father for the first time in 7 months tomorrow. While I hate to see them go, this is a relationship that is important and whatever time he can give them, I cherish for them. They love their dad and so they should. I loved him too! They deserve a wonderful time together and they are excited. I love that.

Tonight, I was packing a meal for the plane. The kids requested chicken cutlet sandwiches and as airlines no longer provide meals, I obliged. I also made one for Dad - he's doing the same round trip pick up that I face next week. It's a long day.

My youngest noticed and remarked,"Mommy, you are so nice to Daddy even though he isn't nice to you. I like that."

It's sadly true. I'm not a push over and I will fight like a lioness for the well being of my kids, but what is it to be civil and cordial and do the right thing?

I have many friends that would disagree - who would lay me out like a rug and call me a fool. Who actually, at points, told me to cut this relationship off and let the chips fall as they may. I would never do such a thing. I'm not a fool.

My kids were born out of a loving relationship and for that, I will always be grateful for that season in my life - some of my very happiest years.

Sometimes, I don't realize how much they see and take in - tonight was a perfect example. Ironically, I was unaware that I was being watched!

It is a useless waste of energy to do anything less than treat another the way you hope to be treated. It's not always easy, but a heck of a lot easier than the alternative! It is not my job to teach lessons, to make points, to prove issues - it IS my job to do the very best for my kids.

Have fun kids. I hope you all enjoy your sandwiches!!!!!!

One Never Knows What Will Happen by Sharing....

2008-07-28T18:33:00.001-07:00

I received this today. Wow. Who would've thunk?!?!

Hello Debbie:

I am a Producer for a PBS NOVA Series on Human Nature. We are
working on an episode about relationships and are looking to
highlight the various types of emotions and interactions that
help shape our human experience. Our focus will be on
relationships with friends, family and lovers and we will
explore the reasons why these relationships are so important,
the stumbling blocks we face in creating/maintaining these
relationships as well as some of the things we can do to better
deal with these hurdles. One of the topics we'd like to focus
on is divorce - including its effects and the way people
rebuild afterwards. As this is an increasingly common
phenomenon in America, we think that both sharing and
destigmatizing the experience in a respectful, natural manner
will be very beneficial.

I am writing you as we are interested in profiling a recently
divorced individual to show the things people do to get through
this experience, recuperate and start over. Would you b be interested? I am eager
to answer any questions you may have and can also provide some
more information about the series.

Moving Forward....We Bought a House!!!!

2008-07-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

I truly never thought I would see this day again and....WE ARE SO EXCITED!!!!!! Lot's of hard work, self sacrifice, planning and preparing - a buyers market and we have OUR OWN HOME AGAIN!!!! It's a speechless, thankful and wonderful time. The journey back to self sufficiency has been a treacherous one and sometimes the bumps in the road HURT!
When you feel the energy change, just go with it. When I felt it change, I was at first, confused and then I realized that the tide was a turning.
We ARE in a great place!!!!!

Feeling Some Anger Tonight.....

2008-07-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

The kids are ready to go and excited for their journey. I'm preparing for a terrific move to our new home. All good!

So why am I angry?!?

I'm angry at people who have made it impossible to share some good fortune. I'm angry at people for judging me and my kids in down moments, for blaming me for acts that were not mine, for putting me in uncomfortable situations that ended relationships and, basically, for not owning any of their own behavior as contributing to the situation.

I'm angry at people who use email to communicate - a cowardly format.

I'm angry at people who cannot be genuinely happy at someone else moving forward in a positive way. Those people that cut ties when the drama ends, those people who thrive on your drama to ignore their own!

Basically, I'm angry at people who live in security judging those of us who try to maintain peace and point fingers without looking in the mirror. I'm angry at many broken promises and at sisters who failed where I was strong - and it wasn't easy!

The ignorance makes me MAD!

People in glass houses dare not throw stones!

Old family - New Wounds

2008-07-26T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am so happy that my ex brother-in-law is getting married next week. It's what he's always wanted and wished for and at 35, he found his soul mate. I regret that our circumstances don't allow me to be there when we have shared so much over the years. My kids, however, have been getting ready and as I send them home to this wonderful family occasion, I am so proud of them for their tremendous strength. That doesn't mean I appreciate being excluded - I hold on to the promises that we would always be family, but of course, the reality of the present replaces the past all too quickly. Even my kids have noticed!!!
Hmmmmm.....

A Shoulder

2008-07-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

We have so much to look forward to - a new house, a trip with dad, the beginning of a new school year 8/11......
I am feeling overwhelmed!!!!
I'm packing a house, a visit, readying a classroom and preparing the kids to attend a wedding! It's a bit too much and I admit, I hate it all. Getting everyone ready for school two weeks ahead of start is hard enough - moving again is rediculous and sending them back, painful!!!!!!
Heading back to work again...UGH!!!!!! I hate this time of year.

Fear....a confessional

2008-07-23T22:12:00.000-07:00

My kids go to visit their father and his family for the first time in 7 months next week. They will be wonderfully spoiled and for that, I am happy - almost jealous! However, I have some pretty strict rituals in this house regarding diet, t.v., water consumption, reading time, down time, up time and acceptable behavior. We are flexible, but scheduled and they have certain things that they must do before the flexibility comes into play.
I confess, I hate the turn over because, quite simply, I deal with the reprogramming upon return. I LOVE that they are getting quality time with their dad......I just hate being the heavy upon return.
Being the full time parent means being the savior and the enemy. Two weeks a year means you are Disneyland.
Yup, it's threatening! (And I won't sleep well until all four are home!)

Location! Location!! Location!!!

2008-07-23T21:59:00.001-07:00

Ya know what? We live modestly in a pretty nice place and as a result, many, MANY people from our old life pass through our doors on a regular basis. The best thing about this is that we get to hang out and pretend we belong at some of the finest resorts in the world. Seriously! I have spent the last four days with my kids in some pretty beautiful places for....FREE!!!!!
(If you are wondering why I am not at work, I am a teacher and summer school has ended....a few flexible weeks - TIGHT on the budget but oh, so fun!)

Tuesday Truths

2008-07-22T09:12:00.000-07:00

Look around your house, single parents.....is it company ready?
Yes, once upon a time I could have answered "yes!"
That was the first thing to go.....
There's one of me and four of them SO, The answer is a very confident "NO!"

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Reasons......

2008-07-21T18:23:00.000-07:00

Just after my unexpected separation, a well meaning family member stated, matter of fact, "There must have been reasons for him to stray." To that, I looked back, cold and confident and responded, "I will not accept blame for this man's infidelity." Nice try!

You don't think that through the years, I too have had frustrating, I don't know if I can do it moments?! I never looked at another man, never thought of looking at another man, never wanted to! Y'see, I was in it for better or for worse and sometimes it was better, sometimes worse. We traversed unemployment, health crisis's, multiple young children, family trials etc. My self esteem was always wrapped up in the well being of my nuclear family and I never looked any farther. I adored my family and my husband and enjoyed every minute, sans bill paying, that I was there to care for them. I mean that, honest and true.

In fact, three years out, I have just begun to notice other men! Some people rebound - not me. I was holed up thinking of the "what ifs" and "whys" and for a long time, my door was left just a crack open for Daddy to come home. No matter how bad he was to us, I held out hope that this new man was "temporary" and the man I knew would wake up, figure out himself and beg to return home. I contacted national doctors, experts, worked on myself, dealt with past issues....you name it. He wasn't coming home.

Perhaps, this reality, was the hardest pill to take. I was rejected. My children were rejected. I'll never forget the day when the pipes burst and the house was a frigid 32 degrees and his visit ended. I BEGGED him not to return the children to the cold and the mess and the response I received was, "My time is done and I'm bringing the kids back - it's your job to figure out how to keep them warm!!" If not for the intervention of his family, that is what would have happened. Little did he know that had he returned them, I had the police waiting to arrest him for child neglect - a place that broke my heart to enter. Lucky for him, he had his family to talk sense and that scene was avoided. His new wild temper also caused me to alert the local police that if they ever received a call from my home, they had to send two cars as it was surely a domestic situation. They were so good about this, they would circle the lane upon pick up an drop off until I blinked the lights that all was well. No one knew any of this and thankfully, it was never needed. Perhaps, just a bit of him remained!

So, everyone asks if I had signs....a small glimpse of what was to come. This is a common question. And again, the truth is, "No!" Call it naivete, perhaps stupidity, perhaps hopeless abandon.....our life was such a series of ups and downs and UPS that I truly accepted whatever came my way. It was about OUR FAMILY, after all. He had his issues, I had mine....none were fun! But, we still managed to have some! I came from a tumultuous household that had navigated many a trial so I took this "stuff" for granted as part of life. His background didn't include such things and I can only say, the result of his actions has resulted in more tumult that I ever thought possible. You simply can't escape the bed you make and you will pay, one way or the other! I often wonder if, given the choice, he would take the path he traveled. That is an answer I will never know!

And, as I speak about the significant other, I must also own my own piece of the puzzle. Following the birth of my last child, a pregnancy ridden with health problems on both ends, I had a very difficult recovery. I was told I had everything from postpartum depression to cystitis to....you name it. I had Thyroid Cancer. My moods were rampant, my bodily functions off and my energy level low. Visiting multiple doctors and being told there was "nothing wrong with me" was hard and depressing and following his critical illness, even more so. In an effort to escape, I took to a few extra glasses of wine simply to put on a happy face at the end of long and grueling days. If you have never been through the humiliation of vaginal physical therapy, consider yourself lucky - if you have; so sorry. The nerve damage, the exhaustion, the humiliation and the irregular bleeding would be trying to any marriage. For these reasons, in spite of his behavior, I had some understanding! So I own all of that, but I hung onto my rock, my husband, and believed that all would be well. I was loved unconditionally, afterall!

Well, I have since come to realize, that the only unconditional love is between certain parents and children. I cannot even say this is for all as I have heard friends talk down their own children, a place I cannot even imagine. What I do know is that I loved my husband and of course, I love my children. I would have stuck through the craziness, but y'see I didn't have the excitement of work relationships building my self esteem.
'
I guess, in hindsight, there were "Reasons," but they were things I would have overlooked unless forced to swallow them.

How Did I Get Here Anyway?!?

2008-07-21T10:37:00.000-07:00

I was married to a wonderful man. In fact, I married my very best friend and when he first expressed romantic interest in me, I politely declined as the fear of losing that friendship was more important to me than storybook love. He continued to pursue and eventually I gave in and for the next 15 years, I truly had fun. So sure was I that we were a forever couple, we had our wedding bands tattooed for our tenth anniversary as an "off beat renewing of our vows." During those ten years, we had four beautiful children and I was the girl who never complained about her husband. Seriously, I have friends who will shake their heads in shock to this day because I never, EVER said a bad word about this guy. He was a devoted family man, a great father, good for a laugh, loyal, trustworthy and fun to be with. His children adored him so much that when he entered the house after a long day at work, I became invisible. He participated in the town government, the school PTA, was the chief of the YMCA Indian Guides and Princesses, and was loved by all. I had the guy that the rest of the world envied.

In less than a year after that famed tattoo anniversary, he was gone. One day, he just came home and said, "I'm done." Done?!?! Done with US?!?!

Oh, he was done alright! He was done with everything! He packed a small overnight bag, a tennis racket, his motorcycle and disappeared leaving no forwarding address. There I was with four children ages 2-8 and the only contact I had with their father was a cell phone he rarely answered. We were in the process of moving and renovating a new home - a home he had carefully chosen every piece of molding and appliance for and.....he was DONE! (a private investigator later revealed my unsung fears - he was having an affair with that girl at work I had warned him about!)

Within a matter of months, he lost his job, we lost our home, and it wasn't long before I learned that court orders and agreements meant little to this guy - this wonderful guy I never said a bad word about. IF we received support, it arrived late. IF he came to see the children, he arrived late - and returned early. What happened to Super Daddy, the hero to all?!

Well, it's now three years later. I am the solo parent to the same four beautiful children - now ages 11-5. We live in a beautiful area on very little money, but we are still going strong. The children will visit Dad next week for the first time in 7 months (save for another post!) and we just got word that WE BOUGHT OUR OWN HOME!!!! Not bad on a measly teacher's salary! Support is now not only ordered, it is GARNISHED and guess what, I still have that damn tattoo! (Simply because the cost of removal is a bit more than I can justify.)

I've searched many sites on the web for support and guidance, have read numerous books and received much advice (some a lot better than others) during this never ending journey. What I haven't found was a place that simply offered dialog to others who are traversing this isolated journey that only those who live can understand.

So, welcome to my feeble attempt to provide a place of laughter and support to others, who like me are All Together Alone.
Peace,
Debbie