Big Girl........

Jammers is old enough to trick-or-treat with friends. She's off! Wonderful moment for the skittish mom, her knew friend lives in our own neighborhood!!!! So Sammy is trekking off with her posse around Santa Catalina and we are doing home and at the end of the day, the kids are sleeping here. 3 hours in a familiar place with known neighbors and new friends for Jammy - three hours in a new place with new neighbors for us - a pick-up on a sugar high, a crazy night for Mom and.........until next year!

Another parent reinforces my self esteem and makes me smile/

Ms. A,

Thank you so much! John and I talked tonight about how grateful we are for your presence and influence in our kids' lives and ours. I feel like we have these wonderful and complicated little puzzles that we have to figure out, and it takes special teachers with great ability, interest, and heart to break the code. It is rare to find all of these things in a single teacher.

thanks!
j

Day's End

Victims of the system, we wait and wait and wait once again - for the tax refund, the money's owed, the support checks - dollar to dollar we make our way We gave up cable, the swim club, I work two jobs and we stick close to home - painting our walls, reading, studying and enjoying the playground just down the street. Thanks to dear loved ones, our electricity was not turned off today.

Seriously, minus financial woes, I am happy. I LOVE my job and the parents and kids let me know daily that I DO make a difference. I have aged - I sit back passively now and understand the hysterical parent that I once took to heart - the parent I probably once was.

I am making wonderful lasting friends - not the kind that need to rehash every aspect of every situation - friends who chip in whether financially, physically or emotionally without being asked, friends who, like me, understand a struggle and celebrate a win - who get where I have been and appreciate the times I just need to SING!

I deal with little traffic!!!! Bonus + however, the ongoing construction is messing with my zen.

A parent tonight said, "I am just so grateful that you came into my boys life. I am thankful for you every day!"

My response: "I am grateful to work with your boys and grateful to have them with me."

SO.......while I hit the end of my rope today, the day ended on a positive note with hope and love and an invitation to dinner which is, quite honestly, the very beginning of the next phase of my life.

Geez....I hope (know) they are paying!

Feeling the stress.

Nothing is easy. My greatest stress - for as long as I remember- is dealing with finances. I do NOT like the inner turmoil this causes my heart. I feel the adrenaline rise, I get all emotional and feel like
I am twelve. Our cable is out, the electric bill still needs to be paid, the mortgage is due and the kids have needs food. clothing and shelter. I work two jobs. I do my part, but it is not enough. This is the bane of my existence - the greatest source of turmoil in my marriage and one that will never, ever go away. Sometimes, I want to give up and then, something wonderful happens and my heart swells with pride. I hope and pray that tomorrow is the day of something wonderful!!!!!! It is my son's birthday and I simply want to celebrate.

Sometimes.......

There are days that simply start off wrong - and today was one of them. My oldest daughter didn't feel well, but I had to send her to school because my other daughter has a play at school today and The Mom couldn't take the day off. I went to make dinner with the last of the food in the house and found it half eaten. I ran out of medication and cannot fill the script until the damn checks arrive. The fall festival is Friday - my oldest is volunteering and I can't buy the tickets for the others for the same reason I can't fill the script - and medication must come before festivals. Three of my kids have outgrown every single article of clothing they own - especially The Boy, who must have shot up three inches in two months. I'm working two jobs and have come to realize I will most likely need a night job to meet the needs of the kids alone. So, basically, today is one of those "I look like crap and I feel like a failure" days and I don't care who knows it!

Eye Opener

I've come to a tremendous realization about myself and that is, I did everything to make everyone else happy regardless of how I felt inside. My 40's have brought a new awakening - perhaps a midlife crises of sorts. If it doesn't look like me, I don't wear it, if it doesn't feel right, I don't do it and if I don't want to, I don't have to. This may seem simple to most of you.....but for me, I juggled a peacemaking roll and took a hell of a lot of judgment to heart - I was redressed, remade, reworked and tried for years to fit a square peg into a round hole to keep everyone happy. Ya know what.....no one worked half as hard for me and I am so happy to be me - in MY home, MY clothes and hanging with MY kids and friends in a place that doesn't feel strange anymore.

Working together for the common good

I am grateful today.
I was heard and action was taken. We have been struggling with lack of support - to no one's fault - but do to a gaff in the system that has held the funds in limbo for weeksandweeksandweeks. We have made multiple phone calls, been told multiple stories, tried in vain to resolve this issues, but to no avail. It's a real shame.

Finally, I spoke to Dad about the issue and requested that he attempt intervention. I am SO pleased that this did not turn out to be another reason to feud, but instead a cause that required action. Even better, there was follow through and COMMUNICATION that enabled the issue to move forward in a positive manner.

I am feeling better tonight. This too, shall come to an end.

Full Days/Special Times

Sometimes, our days are so full that I feel like they run into each other. Ever felt that way? I start somewhere between 5 and 5:30 a.m. and go nonstop until lights out. With the economy challenging my status, I may have to take on a night job which will only add to the hours. No different than many others in my shoes these days and I'm holding off as long as I can.

That said, I was in an emotional pickle this morning. The landscapers cashed the check and somehow it was overlooked as a contract needing attention. That fixed, I'm still in a battle to get the child support due since the beginning of September - now we are two months in arrears and as I have said before, this is only the fault of bureaucracy. Not that this realization helps us much, but it is the truth. Kids are outgrowing clothes, food needs to be purchased, mortgage needs paying and our money sits in limbo somewhere between an employer and the state.

So, today for the first time in months - I lost it. I cried. I was angry. I'm fed up!! I'm sick of working my ass off and feeling behind the eight ball. I'm sick of the responsibility for everyday falling on me alone. I'm sick of people making decisions for themselves that impact my life. I'm sick of it all!!!!

At the end of my rope, I get a message from my in laws. They are coming to visit at the end of the month!!!! Further, I have the most wonderful morning greetings and night time hugs a mom could ever ask for. What started out as a terrible day ended so warm and loving and perfect.

We will make it.....we will make it....we will make it!!!!!!!!!

I'm struggling between a rock and a hard place.....

A friend of mine moved back to where I once lived and her struggle to readjust to the east coast breaks my heart. Another fell ill, quite suddenly and lost a family member in the flurry. A third is battling a heartbreaking disease.

I am not there for any of these wonderful people because I am in a personal battle all my own. I know they all understand, but I feel horrible not holding the hands, giving the hugs, making the meals and loving on those that make me smile.

To you all....I love you and I am here!