Single Parent Life

This is an email I received....much like many of you have privately shared.  I share my responses to help those of you still caught in "the cycle."

I love the children and they know that. (Because I reinforce this every single day - NOT because of you!)   Stop fabricating and stop fabricating in public (blog) really what is the purpose of making it public, do you need the attention that badly or is how you believe your own lies? (It is not a fabrication.  (These are not lies.  No, not for attention, but the support I receive makes me stronger and that is what I need when we deal with late payments, struggles and everyday life that you know nothing of.) My children know how I much I love them but for your own selfish reasons you continue to play devils advocate with a relationship you have nothing to do with. (No......I speak the truth.  I'm an advocate, yes....not the devil's advocate.  It is for your own selfish reasons that you think otherwise.)  That's right the relationship is between myself and my children, not you. (Yes it is!  So you had better kick it up a notch buddy.  These kids have dealt with more than you have ever known!)  Please feel free NOT to respond.  (Easy request.  The mirror hurts sometimes.)

(PS: If you don't like my interpretations, you are FREE to stay elsewhere and rent a car!!!!!  No one tied you down!!!!!!  Oh yeah......you forgot to include my generosity in your email.  There are other options in the area.  I am kind to you - you are not to me.)
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

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A Message......

Dear Dad,

Whether you realize it or not, we've been counting the days down until your visit.  We have bragged to our friends that you are coming and have planned an imaginary fantasy weekend in our heads about how perfect our time together would be.  We anxiously awoke on Friday morning anticipating your arrival a few hours later.  The day had finally come.

We know that you are used to doing things your own way, on your own schedule, the way you want to do them.  We only see you 3 or 4 times per year and for a few days at best.  You are not used to having a gaggle of kids around who are fighting for your undivided attention.  We know that you still think of us as "little kids;" you left us a long time ago.  We've been growing and developing since you left and we are not the same people we once were, just as you are not.

Dad, in the little time we have together, please don't call us names.   Please refrain from losing your temper, from calling us "stupid," and "baby;" from criticizing what we eat or where we find pleasure.  Don't punish us for trying to turn our time together into a vacation.....of wanting to laugh and make memories with you on our terms.  Please don't put down our pets, our toys, and Dad, please don't try to imply that you are going to ground us if we don't do as you say.  We will be lucky if we see you again one more time before Christmas.  These are empty threats with no meaning......in fact, they sound silly to our adolescent ears.

Happiness is how you interpret what's in front of you; how willing you are to enjoy simple pleasures even if things aren't perfect.  Your response to problems is one indicator of how much you have stabilized since the divorce.  Blaming sets up a situation in which it is difficult to move forward.  Maybe you just need to hear it again; to us you are phenomenal and you are loved and appreciated.

We need to hear that too.

As we get older, our relationship will continue to change.  You can be lulled into a false sense of security.  It's challenging to know what is important and what is not, but knowing that helps.  We want a future with you, Dad.  Let it go and make our time together happy and joyous.  You are not going to step in on a random basis and command the respect you think you deserve, but we try.  We are kids.  We are victims in this situation.  It is up to you to right the wrongs and build the memories that will encourage our future relationship, not us.

Dad, we want nothing more than to see you more, to speak with you more often and to feel your unconditional love.  We want our time together to be fun and special.  We want you to be our father.

Love,
Your kids

Tips for Disciplining Your School Age Child

Be sure “no” is not the word your child hears most often.   Positive reinforcement is important. Praise your child for good behavior so he does not see misbehavior as the only way to get your attention. Your child can be sensitive to criticism, making this kind of praise a perfect way to bolster his self-esteem.

Remember tantrums still happen.   Try to remain calm; if you react to these tantrums your child will see them as a way to get attention. Take a deep breath and calmly tell your child that when he is ready to talk about how he feels, you are ready to listen.

Empty threats are dangerous.   It is easy to become angry and make unrealistic threats of punishment, like “If that fighting does not stop we are never going on another car trip!”   Threats on which you cannot follow through, especially those with the word “never,” will weaken the power of the realistic consequences you may use in the future.

Manage discipline.   Your child may feel like he has little control and believes that the way to gain power is to misbehave. Constant discipline will only fuel that belief, instead, focus on giving your child positive attention when they are doing something good. This will show him that he can gain power and your attention this way, too!

Involve your child with choices.   Sometimes the way to deal with a child who may feel like he does not have any control is to involve him in the process. Offer him an “either/or” choice so he feels he had some say in the matter. Remember a child should not always have choices. You need to decide when this is appropriate (e.g. battle over what to have for lunch, not whether or not a seatbelt needs to be worn), and make sure that you can live with either choice.

Look Within....

The minute you begin to focus on things that are "broken" rather than things that are "right" your center of gravity changes.  Keep your eye on what is "right and good."  Otherwise, the result will be "broken."

Let It Go

It has been almost 5 years now since my initial cancer diagnosis and subsequent marital breakup; five years of ups and downs and all arounds.  Five years of raising four kids alone, fighting the system, financial hardship as well as five years of growth, laughter, good times and adventure.  This family packed an awful lot into five short years!

Somehow, the number "five" holds great significance.  My children each started kindergarten at "five," one is considered cured of most cancers when the five year milestone is reached......we have five fingers on each hand - the very first thing we learn to count.  In five years, we have lived in four different houses, four different town and two different states. We've traversed the west, been to California four times and have taken ample cross country romps across the U.S. The kids have grown from ages 2-8 to 7-13 - translation; from daycare - third grade to first through eighth. We registered for high school last week and won our first of many sports trophies.  A lot can happen in just five short years!   

If you are just beginning your journey, the road ahead looks long and scary - I know.  This was not the "plan" when you started out all fresh and new and in love.  Once upon a time, you felt invincible, loved, protected and cherished and now, you simply feel grief, disappointment, anger and frustration.  Life has been reduced to a business contract.  It feels unnatural - everything you believed to be true no longer applies.

I have learned a lot in these five years - much of which on my feet as I fumbled and fell along the way, some through counsel and guidance.

1) Divorce is a grieving process like no other.  A person who has never been in these shoes CANNOT comprehend the range of emotions that accompanies this loss.  You cannot expect them to.

2) You must always put your children FIRST - even if that means coming into direct opposition of those around you.  They are entitled to an open and loving relationship with both parents - in fact, they need this to be whole.  Do NOT use your children to prove a point or otherwise fulfill your own needs.

3) People around you will enjoy pointing out the faults of your spouse and will encourage you to "see them" for what they are.  This is counterproductive and will keep you in a bad place longer.  You may need to vent, they do not have to return the favor.

4) You will be judged - both positively and negatively - for how you process your grief, get back on your feet, parent your children etc.  Remember, this is a learning process and you will err along the way.......you would have if your marriage remained intact as well, but somehow, the world perceives 2 as better than one.  Ignore this judgment.

5) It takes two people to make or break any relationship......accept your role.  You cannot force the other person to accept theirs, but hopefully, in time, it will come.

6) People will take sides.  You will lose some close friends.  Your social life will change.  This is, perhaps, healthy!

7) Always take the high road whenever possible.  Do what is right and best for the kids and for your own emotional health.

8) Be cautious of the advice to take from others.  What is best for them may not be what is best for you.  Weigh your options carefully before reacting.  Look toward the outcome you desire.

9) You are not here to prove a point or teach a lesson.  You are not the person to fulfill that role.  You are not a parent to another adult. 

10) Do something nice for yourself every day - a nap, a 1/2 with a good book, a chat with a friend......something centered on rebuilding your inner self.

Look at today as the beginning of the rest of your life.  If you blew it yesterday, so what......you get another chance with each sunrise.  Things will become more natural as they evolve and you will have the life you desire.  Don't let anything stand in your way!

The Learning Curve

After three daughters, multiple ballet and gymnastic classes, various band and chorus performances, more Girl Scout cookies than anyone has a right to and numerous manicures, hair appointments, sleep overs and crying spells, it was determined that this woman would have a son - and raise him alone.

Not only was I called to raise this son, he was designed to be "all boy."  If there is something to climb, he climbs it, something to throw, he throws it, something to kick, he kicks it and something to break within five seconds, he breaks it.  This kid KILLS the nature vs. nurture argument without effort.  Raised in a house with four girls, he is a stand alone icon - and it's fun.

The Boy LOVES sports - shoots hoops when bored, plays ball in the streets with the neighbors and enjoyed his first team experience playing Flag Football this year.  In my car, I now sport a fold out chair with a cup holder which takes me where I need to go, sit, watch and cheer for whatever is happening at any given moment.   The BIG Christmas present this year was an authentic NFL Cardinals jersey which he wears at least once per week to school and as soon as he returns home - I have to wash this thing nightly.

Since we have moved here, the football playoffs and Super Bowl's have been so very kind to us - we had the Giants vs. the Patriots right here in Glendale, we had the Cardinals, and now we have the Cardinals moving forward in the playoffs again.

Translation, Mom has had to sit and watch football with her big fan AND explain what's going on which is quite funny if you have known me for all of five minutes.  I've also had to learn to dodge unidentified flying objects out of the corner of my eye while cooking, not throw a ball "like a girl" and the numbers of each team member. 

These are things I surely would have passed off to Dad if he were here.
(Although the only sport he REALLY cared about was boxing.)

I definitely would have been in the kitchen making snacks for the boys and asking the score.

The wonder of life is this.......I am having such fun spending this time with my son, watching the games (which we had to rush home for today and which went into overtime and we won!) and learning right along side him.

The girls don't care so much.

By virtue of who they are, they get my attention and bring me to places I never thought
I would visit.

It's simply, wonderful!

Single Parent Savings

As a single mother, I have found some VERY CREATIVE ways to save money without giving up cultural experiences and opportunities for my kids as well as myself.  Of course, we have navigated some extremely hard times - the electricity turned off in the middle of a desert summer, loss of television and computer access, water, and gas in the tank en route to school.  The kids and I have learned to take all of this in stride - even with a sense of humor.  Laughter is, indeed, the best medicine. So with lights out, we play flashlight tag, I always keep a cooler filled with five gallons of water and we can all find something creative and constructive to do without the television and computer to distract us.  (These have been some of the most cherished moments of all!)

Learning to manage a household on very little income (I am a teacher in Arizona - the 49th state in the Union with respect to funds spent on education), was a true challenge for me in the beginning.  First of all, I am horrible at managing finances.  Secondly, this was new and uncharted territory for me.  Lastly, I resented the sheer fact that my ex was conveniently unemployed, yet living in the heart of Manhattan with his girlfriend and enjoying vacations, dinners and very conspicuously leaving behind the receipts and menus for my eyes to see ~ all while dragging me through court time and time again. $$$$$$$  I drank too much, bitched too much and was all consumed with things that were out of my control and meant to hurt not just me, but the kids as well.

It took awhile to get out of that cycle.  I'd be lying if I professed otherwise.  I was, as Shakespeare labeled, a woman scorned. 

There came a day a few years back when I looked in the mirror and asked myself out loud, "Is this the story you want to write?"  Of couse, the answer was a loud and definitive "No!"

On that day I made a promise to change.  I gave up the fight and began working on rebuilding a bigger and better life for my family.  I decided right then to embrace the cards I was dealt and do something wonderful with them.  This blog was one of those things - as well as starting a single parents group, volunteering, heading back to school and working on me so I would be a better mother to my children.  I had to lose some relationships in order for this to happen as good people can keep you in  a very bad place and that was sad....but worth it in the end.

We've all read the benefits of coupon clipping and yes, I am an avid clipper, but there are bigger and better ways to work within a budget and you would be surprised at what you will find if you take the time to look.  Just today, I was handed 4 free kids meals at a lovely, homey Italian/Pizza restaurant because I simply walked in and asked to see the menu with my kids in tow.  Tonight we ate out - veggies and all - for less than it would cost for me to cook at home.
Some suggestions:
1) If eating out, always go during happy hour.  The prices are cut in half for both food and drink.
2) Find places that offer free kids meals - some of our favorite local haunts offer free meals - 2 per adult - on certain days of the week.  Once they get to know you, they are usually tolerant of others.
3) Ask if they can cut portions in half or split portions - I have yet to meet a restaurant that will not accomodate this request when they see me alone with four kids.  It's worth asking - all they can say is "no."
4) Frequent the same stores often.  When people know your family they are kind.  I have had loads of groceries "loaned" to me when needed.  We bake them cookies and the kids write thank-yous - as do I - for getting us through difficult times.  THe lady in Costco GAVE US her free Thanksgiving turkey this year......a real blessing.
5) Check out your local library.  Ours not only has books, music and DVD's, but also Culture Passes - I can check out 2 passes to various museums, zoos and events per month which cover admission for four - a life saver!
6) Look for dress rehearsal and opening night performances.......I have never paid more than $12 per ticket for Disney on Ice, Ringling Brothers, and various other performances.  While Wednesday night might not be the most convenient time to bring the kids out - the experience is worth it.
7) Write lots of letters and put your pride on a shelf......this is hard, I know, but so worth it.  You can get subscribtions, opportunities and wonderful experiences if you simply ask.  We received 5 tickets to Wet n' Wild this summer because of a bad experience that I addressed.  In Disney, we were granted an extention of our annual pass because I asked. 
8) When your ex offers to take the kids shopping for a gift, have them suggest a gift card to the supermarket, the movies or any other place you know you will have to spend money.  Then, tuck it away for a rainy day!
9) Look for scholarships......Look hard.  I sent two kids to a wonderful sleep away camp for the price of one because I asked.  They rode horses, swam,  paddled boats and made friends that they are still in contact with.
10) PLAN YOUR MENU around the sales in the stores - and hit 2 or three if you have to.  You can now download coupons onto your shoppers card so there is no need to clip and save.  Plan nutricious meals around the circular and the coupons you have......you'll save hundreds of dollars.
11) Buy the soda on sale - even if not your favorite.  I am a diehard DIET COKE fan, but if it's Pepsi on sale, it's Pepsi I drink.  Seltzer is much cheeper and can be flavored.    I know....I know.....

Most importantly, do something for yourself every single week.  A walk? A nap? A pedicure?  All these savings make these things possible.  I used to feel guilty for such indulgences - I don't anymore.  Dragging yourself down benefits no one - least of all, YOU!  This is very hard when the kids are young, I know.......I began this journey when my kids were ages 8 to 2.  If you can't do it now, just know there is light at the end of the tunnel and the effort you put in now will be so very worth it later.