Reasons......

Just after my unexpected separation, a well meaning family member stated, matter of fact, "There must have been reasons for him to stray." To that, I looked back, cold and confident and responded, "I will not accept blame for this man's infidelity." Nice try!

You don't think that through the years, I too have had frustrating, I don't know if I can do it moments?! I never looked at another man, never thought of looking at another man, never wanted to! Y'see, I was in it for better or for worse and sometimes it was better, sometimes worse. We traversed unemployment, health crisis's, multiple young children, family trials etc. My self esteem was always wrapped up in the well being of my nuclear family and I never looked any farther. I adored my family and my husband and enjoyed every minute, sans bill paying, that I was there to care for them. I mean that, honest and true.

In fact, three years out, I have just begun to notice other men! Some people rebound - not me. I was holed up thinking of the "what ifs" and "whys" and for a long time, my door was left just a crack open for Daddy to come home. No matter how bad he was to us, I held out hope that this new man was "temporary" and the man I knew would wake up, figure out himself and beg to return home. I contacted national doctors, experts, worked on myself, dealt with past issues....you name it. He wasn't coming home.

Perhaps, this reality, was the hardest pill to take. I was rejected. My children were rejected. I'll never forget the day when the pipes burst and the house was a frigid 32 degrees and his visit ended. I BEGGED him not to return the children to the cold and the mess and the response I received was, "My time is done and I'm bringing the kids back - it's your job to figure out how to keep them warm!!" If not for the intervention of his family, that is what would have happened. Little did he know that had he returned them, I had the police waiting to arrest him for child neglect - a place that broke my heart to enter. Lucky for him, he had his family to talk sense and that scene was avoided. His new wild temper also caused me to alert the local police that if they ever received a call from my home, they had to send two cars as it was surely a domestic situation. They were so good about this, they would circle the lane upon pick up an drop off until I blinked the lights that all was well. No one knew any of this and thankfully, it was never needed. Perhaps, just a bit of him remained!

So, everyone asks if I had signs....a small glimpse of what was to come. This is a common question. And again, the truth is, "No!" Call it naivete, perhaps stupidity, perhaps hopeless abandon.....our life was such a series of ups and downs and UPS that I truly accepted whatever came my way. It was about OUR FAMILY, after all. He had his issues, I had mine....none were fun! But, we still managed to have some! I came from a tumultuous household that had navigated many a trial so I took this "stuff" for granted as part of life. His background didn't include such things and I can only say, the result of his actions has resulted in more tumult that I ever thought possible. You simply can't escape the bed you make and you will pay, one way or the other! I often wonder if, given the choice, he would take the path he traveled. That is an answer I will never know!

And, as I speak about the significant other, I must also own my own piece of the puzzle. Following the birth of my last child, a pregnancy ridden with health problems on both ends, I had a very difficult recovery. I was told I had everything from postpartum depression to cystitis to....you name it. I had Thyroid Cancer. My moods were rampant, my bodily functions off and my energy level low. Visiting multiple doctors and being told there was "nothing wrong with me" was hard and depressing and following his critical illness, even more so. In an effort to escape, I took to a few extra glasses of wine simply to put on a happy face at the end of long and grueling days. If you have never been through the humiliation of vaginal physical therapy, consider yourself lucky - if you have; so sorry. The nerve damage, the exhaustion, the humiliation and the irregular bleeding would be trying to any marriage. For these reasons, in spite of his behavior, I had some understanding! So I own all of that, but I hung onto my rock, my husband, and believed that all would be well. I was loved unconditionally, afterall!

Well, I have since come to realize, that the only unconditional love is between certain parents and children. I cannot even say this is for all as I have heard friends talk down their own children, a place I cannot even imagine. What I do know is that I loved my husband and of course, I love my children. I would have stuck through the craziness, but y'see I didn't have the excitement of work relationships building my self esteem.
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I guess, in hindsight, there were "Reasons," but they were things I would have overlooked unless forced to swallow them.