Divorce is not always a BAD Thing!

We were all taught that divorce is bad. Period. Why? Because we were taught that marriage is sacred. That marriage is the union between two people who are in love (or not yet, in the matter of arranged marriage) under God. And we were taught that God is good and anything away from His grace is bad.
I'm Jewish and I believe that any marriage is worth saving. But I'm also a pragmatic and I have even recommended a couple of friends to go ahead with their decision to divorce their partners. That is because I believe divorce is not always bad.

Worst case scenario for a divorce is spousal abuse. Sure, the couple can go to see a counsellor on that matter. In many cases, however, it is probably safer for the abused spouse to just leave. Here, divorce isn't such a bad thing. It might even save one's life.

Then there is the irreparable difference, unresolved by marriage counseling. There is the cheating spouse that won't work to repair the damage.  When the couples don't even talk to each other anymore or can't stand each other anymore perhaps to the point of only wanting to hurt each others' feelings, divorce seems to be the best strategy.

What about children? That's the hardest factor in deciding to divorce. Children do thrive better when their parents are together. I remain, however, a little bit skeptical, especially considering the possible short- and long-term emotional and social effects on children when their parents can't stand each other anymore. Isn't it the childrens right, too, to experience that their parents are happy individuals unrestrained by the state of their marriage?  Children thrive better when their parents are happy even when separated, Research supports this fully.

People change.  Having spent considerable time with my ex, I can honestly say I no longer recognize this person as the once I married.  The words spoken and the overall demeanor, the love and dedication to family, the softness that was one in his heart are gone - not just toward me, but toward everyone.  We have nothing in common but for the children we share.  Sad, but true.  Would this be the case had his heart been willing to do the necessary work to repair his brokenness?  I don't know.  Counseling was not an option for him.  Someone once said something to me that I will never forget, "His level of entitlement is breathtaking."  That line sums it all up into one perfectly phrased package.

Was this always the case?  I don't know that either.  I saw him through a filter that tolerated - and even loved what I now see as fatal personality flaws. 

In conclusion, no, divorce is not always bad. There are circumstances where the benefits of divorce exceed its cost. This is, however, not an excuse to make divorce as the feasible exit strategy when things go awry in a marriage. There are ways to resolve dilemmas or problems in any marriage. It only takes courage, patience, and perseverance, and the desire to save the marriage.

Getting through AND ENJOYING a Single Parent Holiday

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone with four children that year for the first time in more than fifteen years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete. Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives and friends. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. Opinions were served up like hors-douvers - often in front of my children who were very young. This was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private, but for the few close friends and family members who shouldered and shared my pain. Divorce, it is said, is worse than death because it is a choice ~even harder to bare during such a festive, family centered time of the year.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” and maintaining a proper focus ~ one that is family centered and joyous.  Perhaps it would be easier if I had an ex that actively co-parented his children and treated me with respect, but I do not thus the wound remains somewhat open.

Let’s face it, for single parents, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special.  In my case, I have no immediate family so I lost more than just a spouse, I lost a whole lifestyle.  The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming.  The financial struggles are real all year and are magnified during this time and memories creep in of traditions that are no longer.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss. For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound. I liken it to a couple facing fertility problems receiving constant comments about when they will finally start a family. Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays.

In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by simply saying "thank-you.". I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone. It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

Help your newly formed family develop new Christmas traditions and rituals:
Invite people into your home to see how you celebrate Christmas.  In our home, it is both Christmas and Chanukah - honoring both sides of my children's heritage.  A few years back, a good friend gave me a great idea. Each child in our home picks a special Christmas cookie to bake with Mom alone as a gift to the family.  They also get their own night to choose the holiday movie which we share as a family.  The Elf on the Shelf has also become a holiday staple.  This little guy finds a new hiding place daily to watch over the children in our home and the littlest members of our household seek him out daily.

One thing I have learned is that you must help children obtain gifts for the single parent and other family members. Do you have any idea how hard it must be for a child to try and figure out how to get mom or dad a present? There is no other parent to take the child shopping. As a child, you don’t want to ask your parent for money to buy the parent’s own present. Many children can’t ask the other parent for money or a ride. They know this may set off the equivalent to a major war. Think about your own children. What do they do for your present? In our home, each child picks out something which they "work off" doing extra chores.  Each child also picks gifts for the others......again, "working off" the expense by contributing to our home.  For us, this includes recognizing Daddy as well.  They really do "earn" the money to proudly say, "This is from me." Many of our gifts are also handmade. After the children make their gifts, my oldest  takes charge and set up an evening or a Saturday for the children to wrap their gifts  What is important is that the children get into the spirit of giving and that they see that all family members are included.  I learned this lesson the very first year I was separated when my oldest, without my knowledge, went door to door "selling snacks" to the neighbors to make money to buy me a gift.  That, in itself, was probably the single-most eye opening performance of my life.

Lastly, honor the other parent for your children are 50% of the person he/she is.  Standing on ceremony is unproductive and delivers a wrong message.  While I do not expect to be recognized, I do make sure they do what is right in their hearts.  This is the time of year to model in yourself the people you wish them to become.