Joy....or NOT

You know that feeling when you look at a Christmas card or an online photo and the expression on the faces doesn't gel with the meaning behind the eyes?!  When the card is so controlled, planned, contrived that you have to wonder what the heck is really going on there because it's not reality?!

I find this interesting.
Telling.
Incredibly disturbing.

Should one have to work so hard at happiness that they need to show their joy on film?

When my kids started modeling years ago, the direction was "Do not smile, I want to see the natural you."  This, from one of the best photographers in the world. He would talk to them and capture them naturally - doing what they do - off beat and wonderful.  These pictures still hang on our walls and adorn our albums.

There was no dramatic effort involved.

Why is it that people need to put drama into their Christmas cards?  My very favorite card EVER was of my two oldest (before the others were born) in their jammies all dishevelved on the couch in black and white. I try hard to capture these natural moments on a daily basis.  I don't pose my kids for cards - I capture them  This years pix was a fun, photographic playdate - no money, nothing to do, let's play photographer.

My love for photography started late,  when I stood at my in-laws 50th anniversary party and watched what the paid photographer did.  I can do this~~~~ I thought. I was divorced that same week and bought myself a camera as a "reward."   I KNEW I could do better  - without the fanfare, the computers and the lights.  Honestly......a great point and shoot is easier to deal with than an SLR....but I use both and multiple lenses. 

I have not gone after a business because I work full time plus two and have health insurance to consider.  But, it's a hobby I adore.  A hobby that helps me create wonderful gifts for those I love.  A hobby that has afforded me the window into many friends lives. A hobby that makes people smile.

Real joy is just that.....REAL. It need not be posed It need not be work.  My favorite photos capture my kids and friends in natural light doing what they do naturally.

Divorce is not always a BAD Thing!

We were all taught that divorce is bad. Period. Why? Because we were taught that marriage is sacred. That marriage is the union between two people who are in love (or not yet, in the matter of arranged marriage) under God. And we were taught that God is good and anything away from His grace is bad.
I'm Jewish and I believe that any marriage is worth saving. But I'm also a pragmatic and I have even recommended a couple of friends to go ahead with their decision to divorce their partners. That is because I believe divorce is not always bad.

Worst case scenario for a divorce is spousal abuse. Sure, the couple can go to see a counsellor on that matter. In many cases, however, it is probably safer for the abused spouse to just leave. Here, divorce isn't such a bad thing. It might even save one's life.

Then there is the irreparable difference, unresolved by marriage counseling. There is the cheating spouse that won't work to repair the damage.  When the couples don't even talk to each other anymore or can't stand each other anymore perhaps to the point of only wanting to hurt each others' feelings, divorce seems to be the best strategy.

What about children? That's the hardest factor in deciding to divorce. Children do thrive better when their parents are together. I remain, however, a little bit skeptical, especially considering the possible short- and long-term emotional and social effects on children when their parents can't stand each other anymore. Isn't it the childrens right, too, to experience that their parents are happy individuals unrestrained by the state of their marriage?  Children thrive better when their parents are happy even when separated, Research supports this fully.

People change.  Having spent considerable time with my ex, I can honestly say I no longer recognize this person as the once I married.  The words spoken and the overall demeanor, the love and dedication to family, the softness that was one in his heart are gone - not just toward me, but toward everyone.  We have nothing in common but for the children we share.  Sad, but true.  Would this be the case had his heart been willing to do the necessary work to repair his brokenness?  I don't know.  Counseling was not an option for him.  Someone once said something to me that I will never forget, "His level of entitlement is breathtaking."  That line sums it all up into one perfectly phrased package.

Was this always the case?  I don't know that either.  I saw him through a filter that tolerated - and even loved what I now see as fatal personality flaws. 

In conclusion, no, divorce is not always bad. There are circumstances where the benefits of divorce exceed its cost. This is, however, not an excuse to make divorce as the feasible exit strategy when things go awry in a marriage. There are ways to resolve dilemmas or problems in any marriage. It only takes courage, patience, and perseverance, and the desire to save the marriage.

Getting through AND ENJOYING a Single Parent Holiday

I remember how I felt the first holiday season following my marital breakup. I found myself dreading what had been one of my favorite times of the year. I was upset for two reasons. First was the thought that I would be alone with four children that year for the first time in more than fifteen years. Although I wasn’t ready to become involved with someone, I was accustomed to at least having an arm to hold at holiday festivities (one of the many advantages of having a partner). So I found myself feeling incomplete. Making matters worse, everywhere I looked—from television commercials to shopping malls—I saw “happy couples” doing “happy things” together: playing in the snow, romantically meeting on New Year’s Eve, lugging a tree home together. These images only served to reinforce my feelings of loneliness.

Second, I was increasingly anxious about encounters with relatives and friends. I didn’t look forward to questions or comments regarding my divorce. Opinions were served up like hors-douvers - often in front of my children who were very young. This was personal and painful, and I wanted to keep it private, but for the few close friends and family members who shouldered and shared my pain. Divorce, it is said, is worse than death because it is a choice ~even harder to bare during such a festive, family centered time of the year.

I made it through that first year, and the next, and the next. Now, five years later, I’ve healed much, and once again I enjoy the holidays. However, I still experience the temptation to give in to loneliness or discouragement, especially when I am invited to affairs where couples will be. But my current struggles are not over a relationship gone bad, but learning to accept my “state” and maintaining a proper focus ~ one that is family centered and joyous.  Perhaps it would be easier if I had an ex that actively co-parented his children and treated me with respect, but I do not thus the wound remains somewhat open.

Let’s face it, for single parents, the holidays can be difficult, and even painful—especially when we desire to spend them with someone special.  In my case, I have no immediate family so I lost more than just a spouse, I lost a whole lifestyle.  The temptation to feel incomplete, discouraged or even depressed can be overwhelming.  The financial struggles are real all year and are magnified during this time and memories creep in of traditions that are no longer.

For you singles who were a “couple” last year but who, through divorce, widowhood, separation or the breakup of a courtship, find yourselves alone again, it can be downright devastating to face family members without your significant other. People may try to pretend all is normal, or they may feel it necessary to comment. But there is always a degree of discomfort accompanied by the continual reminder of failure and loss. For those who just haven’t found “Mr. Right,” there’s pressure from well-meaning family members to get hitched, especially those who see you only this time of year. If you’ve been there, then you know all too well the questions and comments. Probably the worst is “I can’t understand why someone as nice … pretty … smart … ________ (you fill in the blank) as you can’t find someone.” Their intentions may be good, but they don’t realize their comments have the effect of pouring salt on an open wound. I liken it to a couple facing fertility problems receiving constant comments about when they will finally start a family. Whatever your situation, if you’re plagued by feelings of loneliness or find yourself dreading the holiday season because of the lack of a mate, you can still experience victory in your single life even through the holidays.

In time, I found it helpful to develop a strategy for dealing with well-meaning relatives and friends. What worked for me was to respond to questions or comments by simply saying "thank-you.". I would then switch the subject. They caught on and left that topic alone. It is also helpful to understand that many of our older loved ones (parents and grandparents) are communicating a desire to see us become “whole” or “complete” in their lifetimes. Unfortunately, they believe this can only be accomplished through marriage.

Help your newly formed family develop new Christmas traditions and rituals:
Invite people into your home to see how you celebrate Christmas.  In our home, it is both Christmas and Chanukah - honoring both sides of my children's heritage.  A few years back, a good friend gave me a great idea. Each child in our home picks a special Christmas cookie to bake with Mom alone as a gift to the family.  They also get their own night to choose the holiday movie which we share as a family.  The Elf on the Shelf has also become a holiday staple.  This little guy finds a new hiding place daily to watch over the children in our home and the littlest members of our household seek him out daily.

One thing I have learned is that you must help children obtain gifts for the single parent and other family members. Do you have any idea how hard it must be for a child to try and figure out how to get mom or dad a present? There is no other parent to take the child shopping. As a child, you don’t want to ask your parent for money to buy the parent’s own present. Many children can’t ask the other parent for money or a ride. They know this may set off the equivalent to a major war. Think about your own children. What do they do for your present? In our home, each child picks out something which they "work off" doing extra chores.  Each child also picks gifts for the others......again, "working off" the expense by contributing to our home.  For us, this includes recognizing Daddy as well.  They really do "earn" the money to proudly say, "This is from me." Many of our gifts are also handmade. After the children make their gifts, my oldest  takes charge and set up an evening or a Saturday for the children to wrap their gifts  What is important is that the children get into the spirit of giving and that they see that all family members are included.  I learned this lesson the very first year I was separated when my oldest, without my knowledge, went door to door "selling snacks" to the neighbors to make money to buy me a gift.  That, in itself, was probably the single-most eye opening performance of my life.

Lastly, honor the other parent for your children are 50% of the person he/she is.  Standing on ceremony is unproductive and delivers a wrong message.  While I do not expect to be recognized, I do make sure they do what is right in their hearts.  This is the time of year to model in yourself the people you wish them to become. 

Keeping the Children First

Children of separated families may find the holiday season to be more difficult than usual.

• Children may feel anxious from the excess chaos
• They may feel caught in the middle as parents negotiate who spends what time where
• They may feel resentful at having to leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent
• Children may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as they are shuffled back and forth between houses
• They may feel as though they wish they could "split themselves in half" so that each parent will be satisfied
• They may feel sad as they reminisce on holidays when the family was still together
• Kids may miss one parent while spending time with the other
• They may feel guilty at leaving the other parent alone on a holiday

Tips for Divorced Parents to Survive the Holidays

There are many things that both parents can do to enjoy the holidays and ease the transition for their children.

• Teach the child to embrace his expanded family and the fact that he gets to celebrate the holidays twice
• Do not over-indulge the child with too many presents or candy; this is not healthy for anyone
• One parent should not compete with the other over who gets the child a "better gift" – if possible, strategize with the other parent to ensure even gift-giving
• Have a set schedule, preferably one that is set by family court. Typically, parents should alternate holidays each year. This takes the burden off the child having to decide where he would like to spend his time and also minimize arguing between parents
• Let the child in on the schedule in advance so that they know what to expect
• Put differences aside – do not argue with an ex-spouse in front of the child
• Teach the child what the holiday is truly about so that they can better appreciate the experience
• Plan fun outings and make new traditions such as caroling, ice skating, or catching a new movie in between the holidays to minimize the importance of a single big celebration
• Keep time together simple so that the child does not feel overburdened and overwhelmed
• Set a positive example so that the child is able to enjoy himself; parents should express their own frustrations to another adult, not to their child
• Recognize that most children want and need contact with both of their parents, especially during the holidays
• Allow the child to have phone or email contact with the other parent, especially on the holiday itself
• Allow the child to vent any frustrations
• Love and celebrate the child during these special times

The best thing that both parents can do is to recognize and be aware of their child’s emotions during this sensitive time. There is no time like the holidays for parents embroiled in separation disagreements to find a common ground – teaching their child to enjoy the magic of the season.

Starting New Holiday Traditions After Divorce

The holidays ­ that wonderful time from Thanksgiving through New Year's Day ­ the classic celebrations of love, light and family togetherness. In the quick pound of a gavel, "holidays" suddenly take on an ominous, dread countenance. Not only will you miss what was (even if it was a powder keg of family dysfunction), but you have no idea how you can spend those special days now. It all feels like a huge accident waiting to happen.
Avert that accident by exploring some new avenues! If you have children, either young or grown:

• Try to achieve a cooperative give-and-take of special days with your ex. If your children are adults, you shouldn't have to talk to him or her directly. Explain to your children that you do want to celebrate with them, but don't want to put them in a stressful position with their other parent. Talk over plans for Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa or other family occasions. For the children's comfort, be willing to alternate holidays with your ex. The last thing you want is for your children to dread the whole holiday season.
  
• Don't try to exactly recreate the holidays of the past. The absence of the other parent will cast an enormous pall over what can be a lovely new-family time. Try keeping some specific, past activities, but changing others. Eat in the living room instead of the dining room, or have a picnic on the floor in front of the fireplace. Or eat out at a fancy, funky or unusual restaurant.
  
• Look for alternative dates to hold your traditional family gathering. Mom wants to do Thanksgiving at her place? How about Dad starting a traditional chili and games night at his place the night before (or after) Thanksgiving. On Christmas, if Dad is looking forward to the big Christmas Day festivities, Mom could pick Christmas Eve for a family tree trimming and caroling party. You get the idea. Try to be flexible ­ you'll reduce everyone's stress levels.
  
• Make your own plans for those holidays when the kids will be with their other parent. Sitting home alone, wallowing in self-pity would be a major downer, so just don't do it (unless you get iced in, in which case everybody in your region will be doing the same).
  

If you don't have children or if they will be elsewhere:

• Ask around at church or at work and see who else doesn't have plans for That Day. They may be single, divorced or simply have family out of town. Make plans with one or more of them to come to your place for a potluck. That creates a warm, extended family atmosphere, especially if you throw in some singing and game playing. Your new extended family may decide to come together on several holidays a year, bringing their children and/or out-of-town relatives when they're available.
  
• Do you have distant relatives ­ aunts, uncles, cousins ­ whom you rarely see? They might love an invitation to a holiday dinner at your place.
  
• Reach outside yourself and lend a helping hand to others. Sign up to help serve the holiday meal at your local Salvation Army or volunteer to help at a nearby hospital or family shelter. Check with various charities to see what kinds of help they may need. They all have trouble lining up volunteers for holidays, so any time you can contribute will be heartily appreciated! This has a couple of side benefits. First, you won't have time to think about your problems while you're concentrating on others; second, when you get back home in the evening, you'll feel great about having brightened someone else's holiday.
  

Enjoy all the holidays in warm and loving ways, both old and new!

Time Does Not Heal All Wounds

Among the most frequently repeated phrases about suffering are that “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass.” Time passes. It does not heal. Healing is an active process, not a passive one. If we have a cut and do nothing to clean it out or do not apply a salve, it will probably form a scab. It might take longer and it might develop an infection, but the wound will most likely close and leave a scar.

When I was 5 years old, I ran away from home. I didn’t get very far: the downstairs vestibule. I waited what seemed like an eternity for someone to come looking for me. When no one did, I put my hand through a small decorative pane of glass in my attempt to open the door. A little sliver of glass was left in the soft fleshy part of my hand. It closed up with that glass inside.

When we experience woundings to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open. Sometimes we are bleeding, figuratively, from every orifice of our bodies. Eventually the bleeding stops and the wound closes, but what has closed inside? Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside? Occasionally we develop a “weeping wound,” which doctors define as a wound that doesn’t heal because of noxious matter that continues to fester and ooze. How many “weeping wounds” can we sustain before our entire system becomes infected?

As we begin to explore the meaning of healing through loss, we discover the ancient spiritual roots of the healing arts. From prehistoric time, the healer or shaman was the most powerful teacher and wise one of the clan. In many languages, the phrase to heal comes from the expression “to be whole,” derived from the belief that when we become sick, we lose our wholeness. Something or someone has broken through our wholeness and caused dis-ease within our body. To heal is to come back into that lost wholeness and ease. Returning to wholeness often means that we must somehow integrate the disease so it is no longer identified as a threat. Once it becomes part of us, we have incorporated what was thought to be a threat into our hearts and souls and minds. This explains how it is possible for someone with an incurable illness to be healed—they can use the disease as a path into wholeness.

Healing and curing are two very different concepts. Healing is a spiritual idea and curing is a medical one. Healing is an active process. It doesn’t happen to us; we must participate in the process of our healing. Healing happens for us. It is a gift we give to ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open” to that which has broken us.

In chronic pain management, we are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. This is the premise behind the Lamaze Method for childbirth. The idea is that when pain is resisted, it intensifies, When we breathe deeply and acknowledge the presence of pain, it has room to move and can flow through us more readily. Pain is there to tell us something, to warn us of possible danger. This is as true for emotional, spiritual, and mental pain as it is for physical pain. When pain speaks, we need to listen. All it takes is paying attention to our pain so that when it comes, we remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want to fight with our pain. We want to learn from it.

Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole means that as we open to the pain, we open to the loss. We break open and, as a consequence, we get bigger and include more of life. We include what would have been “lost” to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time to heal. As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us: “There’s more room in a broken heart.”