Being Yourself and Doing it Well

I’m a single mom.

I am also a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a musician, a student and a writer.

I wear many hats and doing so is not always easy.

Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. Being a great mom also means taking care of yourself - a lesson that took me three years and a lot of pain to learn.
Some things I've learned the HARD WAY:

1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a single parent. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a parent.

2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn't ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being parented by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with a trusted sitter for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.

3. You're not perfect. This is true for life in general regardless of single parenthood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a single parent, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup. You need to stop living up to the expectations you had of yourself before you became a single parent. You are not in the same situation as before and that is OKAY!

4.Stop feeling guilty. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of single parenthood. A friend once told me that she feels guilty every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. Once you make a decision, like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself or letting others second guess you. You are doing the best that you can. I used to entertain all the time and I took great pride in that role. I no longer have the time, the means or the interest in adding anything extra to my to-do list. Some have actually found this insulting! Face it, you cannot physically, financially or emotionally be all things to all people at all times. No one can, single or not, and you are not expected to. As long as you love your children and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine and those that don't understand that are toxic to your well being.

5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while, but for the most part, step back and see them for the wonderful people that they are. Think back and remember yourself during that season in your life and remember how hard growing up can be. I am not a patient person by nature, but single parenthood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.

6. Listen to your children. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, but it's not always the case. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. Children need parents who are active listeners, who guide them to make decisions and become effective problem solvers, not parents who heal all wounds, solve all problems and immediately discipline all offenses, often in the interest of time. REAL LISTENING takes time, a closed mouth and an open mind. You've been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. My daughter once felt that a close friend of mine didn't like her - she was adamant about it and I was dismissive. Guess what, as it turns out, she was right and while I no longer see that friend, I learned about listening the hard way; fortunately, not at my daughter's expense.

7. Be their parent, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic and no two families look alike. As single parents, we negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ parents – not their friends (in a friendly way, of course.)

8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a HUGE favor. If you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions they will know how to find real happiness in life. My kids early years were spent in a very affluent community and we were no different. Life is so much easier now! When it’s time to declutter, I allow my children to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. We reuse as much as we can, resell as much as we can and our motto is "If something new comes in, something old goes out." We buy only what we REALLY need, everyone does not get the same amount and we wait until things go on sale. There's something to be said for the lesson of delayed gratification too - especially in this age of immediate feedback!

9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. I allow my kids to pursue those enrichment activities they truly enjoy, am actively involved in their school work, but understand that not every experience or grade is going to be perfect.....and in my house, that's okay. My job is to guide them, not push them!

10. Teach them self-esteem. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This person is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. You teach this by showing your children that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them and by loving them unconditionally. Focus on your child's strengths, not their weaknesses and use positive, encouraging words to help them to do the same. Keep their personal issues private so they learn to trust you and see you as a safe haven. High self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids.

11. Teach them to be self-reliant. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. Don't get involved in your children's arguments - allow them to solve these issues and come to a compromise themselves. You'd be surprised at how little they really need you when they scream your name!

12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a single parent, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids, your home, your job and yourself, that you sometimes forget to relax and have fun. Kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult: playing in the rain, making sand castles, singing at the top of your lungs, a date with play dough, finger painting....... See the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Enjoy them.

Parenting is a big job. Single parenting is 2x bigger. Isn't it a great feeling to wake up each day and really love going to work?