Spending Time with Family? Try These....

If someone upsets you, think......"Thanks, it's time I lose those expectations."

Someone who doesn't take your view into account,think...."That's okay. I was once like that."

If they lie to you, think...."I'm sorry you feel that need."

If they are rude to you, think...."Cheer up. It'll be okay."

If they judge you, think.... "Thanks for sharing your truth."

....And if they greet you with love and a smile.....smile back!

Thinking Outloud Tonight.....

It was 3 1/2 years ago when the bomb dropped on my life. Cancer and divorce all in one giant swoop. I tried to stand strong, but truthfully, my broken heart and the advice of well meaning friends kept me angry and fighting. It wasn't fair. We really lost everything, but eachother. I can live with little. I wasn't raised in grandeur, but when you are fighting to feed your kids....well....there's not much to say.

What makes me different is that I do not choose to teach lessons or hold grudges. There's too much energy laden in that path. It's not my job. Funny, it is also something that my ex-husband had more difficulty with than I when dealing with certain family members of mine. People go through "stuff" and behave badly - I am no exception. When people change their behavior, the fight is over for me. Not so for some of my friends and I understand that, but for me...well....it's about the outcome.

The economy is a disaster. Add divorce to the already dismal mix and all in our shoes are struggling to make ends meet. I am one of the lucky people who has a family that knows that I don't shout out for help unless necessary and when I do, they respond immediately which I am eternally grateful for. Y'see, I do whatever I can before I ask and it is known that I am honest and trustworthy with the payback. I'm proud of that.

I'm also proud that I can see past the ugliness of the past years on behalf of my kids. Yes, there are many that would call me a fool. Okay. But my kids get one shot at being KIDS and I want it to be the very best journey I can provide. I want their dad involved in their life and I want it to be easy.

Their dad is arriving late tomorrow night for a weekend visit. We have a separate bed and bath downstairs that my dear daughter has been preparing all week for the guest. We have a kitchen and a playgound in the neighborhood. We have sunshine and friends and hot air balloons on the horizon in the morning and gorgeous sunsets in the eve. It's home.

I'm proud of them and also of their dad for putting differences aside to make the future brighter.

I hope that this weekend will be as wonderful as the anticipation leading up to it and look forward to posting a positive outcome.

Friday night.....

We headed out from school today at 3:45 to a check up (and needed shot) for the BOY who has charm, intelligence and integrity for everything BUT shots so we hung in there and dealt with the trauma. Even the nurse had to laugh at the dirty look that followed the needle!!!! Mom truly, had to hide her giggles. SO CUTE!!!!!!

The bottom line - I was there. I comforted the wound. I held the Boy and in minutes, the trauma was over - we were on to dinner.

This is what they will remember. Just being there when it STINGS!!!!!!!!!

A Conversation with a Kindergartener

The Boy: Me and Keanu and Ben caught a WHOLE FAMILY of beetles on the playground!
The Mom: Really? You did? Did you show them to your teacher?
The Boy: No, but we showed them to the GIRLS!
The Mom: Did the girls like them?
The Boy: Mom, they were TOTALLY GROSSED OUT!!!! (Laughter)
The Mom: What did you do with them? Did you let them go?
The Boy: Yeah, we let them go. It was time to go in so we let them go. (long pause)
....and then we STOMPED on them!!!!!!

Low Moment.....

My budget reaches to the end of every penny and beyond SO....

When the necessary checks don't arrive I am at a loss of words or response. Choices somehow seem limited and
I am TIRED of the same old thing over and over again.

I have taken on a second job at school and two after school programs.

I'm FRUSTRATED tonight!!!!!!

I don't like being between a rock and a hard place!!!!!!

Being Yourself and Doing it Well

I’m a single mom.

I am also a woman, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a teacher, a musician, a student and a writer.

I wear many hats and doing so is not always easy.

Obviously, a great mom loves her kids, takes care of their basic physical and emotional needs, and spends quality time with them. Being a great mom also means taking care of yourself - a lesson that took me three years and a lot of pain to learn.
Some things I've learned the HARD WAY:

1. Stay true to yourself. You don’t have to give up your own passions and interests once you become a single parent. It’s important that you find time for what YOU love to do. Reading, writing, exercising – make these a priority and find a way to incorporate those into your routine. Easier said than done, I know, but you should at least aim to keep doing what you love, even if you don’t get to do it as often as before. If you take care of your own needs, you will be happier and will function better as a parent.

2. Don’t be a martyr. The kids didn't ask for it, they don’t need it, and they certainly don’t need to pay the price that comes with being parented by a martyr. Need some time alone? Let the kids watch TV for an hour and go read a book. Feel like you haven’t had adult interaction in ages? Leave them with a trusted sitter for the evening and make plans to have dinner with a friend. Getting to the point where you are utterly exhausted is not good for you or for your kids.

3. You're not perfect. This is true for life in general regardless of single parenthood. Striving for perfection is always a bad idea, because life is messy and unpredictable and full of surprises. Trying to create perfection, or to maintain complete control, is simply impossible and should never be your goal. Once you become a single parent, life is messier and crazier than ever before, so it’s more important than ever to let go of that perfectionism. You need to accept that the house will sometimes be untidy, that once in a while dinner will be takeout, and that the kids will sometimes have to entertain themselves while you recharge and regroup. You need to stop living up to the expectations you had of yourself before you became a single parent. You are not in the same situation as before and that is OKAY!

4.Stop feeling guilty. Guilt seems to be one of the most common side effects of single parenthood. A friend once told me that she feels guilty every single day. I too am often guilty of feeling guilty. Once you make a decision, like allowing the kids to play a computer game while you have some time for yourself, try to avoid second-guessing yourself or letting others second guess you. You are doing the best that you can. I used to entertain all the time and I took great pride in that role. I no longer have the time, the means or the interest in adding anything extra to my to-do list. Some have actually found this insulting! Face it, you cannot physically, financially or emotionally be all things to all people at all times. No one can, single or not, and you are not expected to. As long as you love your children and provide their basic needs, your kids will turn out fine and those that don't understand that are toxic to your well being.

5. Be Patient. Raising kids is hard work. Kids are noisy, messy and incredibly demanding. Yes, you will lose your patience once in a while, but for the most part, step back and see them for the wonderful people that they are. Think back and remember yourself during that season in your life and remember how hard growing up can be. I am not a patient person by nature, but single parenthood has taught me to be more patient than I ever thought I could possibly be.

6. Listen to your children. We tend to assume that we know more than our kids do, which is true to some extent of course, but it's not always the case. In addition, we often act as problem-solvers, dishing immediate advice, when all they need is for us to listen to them. Children need parents who are active listeners, who guide them to make decisions and become effective problem solvers, not parents who heal all wounds, solve all problems and immediately discipline all offenses, often in the interest of time. REAL LISTENING takes time, a closed mouth and an open mind. You've been given two ears and one mouth for a reason. My daughter once felt that a close friend of mine didn't like her - she was adamant about it and I was dismissive. Guess what, as it turns out, she was right and while I no longer see that friend, I learned about listening the hard way; fortunately, not at my daughter's expense.

7. Be their parent, not their friend. Set limits. In a way, it was easy for previous generations. Parents were parents. Kids were kids. Families were patriarchal. Everyone listened and obeyed to the father. Now, families are democratic and no two families look alike. As single parents, we negotiate, talk things over, and listen to each other. We make important decisions together. This is great, but kids still need us to be their parents and set clear limits. We should listen to them and respect them – but we are not their peers. When I was a pre-teen, I used to snap at my mom, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” She would look at me calmly and respond, “Well, you are NOT my friend. You are my daughter”. It used to drive me crazy, but she was right. Our job is to be our kids’ parents – not their friends (in a friendly way, of course.)

8. Teach them simplicity. You will do them a HUGE favor. If you teach them at a young age to avoid associating happiness with the accumulation of material possessions they will know how to find real happiness in life. My kids early years were spent in a very affluent community and we were no different. Life is so much easier now! When it’s time to declutter, I allow my children to be part of the process, and we talk about how we don’t need all that STUFF. We never go shopping as a fun outing. They know that shopping is a necessary evil, something that you do when you really NEED something. We reuse as much as we can, resell as much as we can and our motto is "If something new comes in, something old goes out." We buy only what we REALLY need, everyone does not get the same amount and we wait until things go on sale. There's something to be said for the lesson of delayed gratification too - especially in this age of immediate feedback!

9. Don’t push them too hard. I was raised as an overachiever, and I can testify from my own experience that overachieving does NOT lead to happiness. I do want my kids to be successful. I want them to reach their full potential and to be financially secure. I allow my kids to pursue those enrichment activities they truly enjoy, am actively involved in their school work, but understand that not every experience or grade is going to be perfect.....and in my house, that's okay. My job is to guide them, not push them!

10. Teach them self-esteem. A person with a high self-esteem values herself and will be less likely to succumb to peer pressure. This person is more likely to be happy and to reach her full potential. You teach this by showing your children that you value them, by spending time with them, and by talking with them and listening to them and by loving them unconditionally. Focus on your child's strengths, not their weaknesses and use positive, encouraging words to help them to do the same. Keep their personal issues private so they learn to trust you and see you as a safe haven. High self-esteem is the single most important gift that a parent can give their kids.

11. Teach them to be self-reliant. It’s very tempting to help your children in a way that robs them of the opportunity to help themselves. At every developmental stage your child reaches, she can do things by herself. If you do them for her, you are not really helping her, but rather holding her back. Gently teach her independence and let her do what she can do, and what is appropriate for her to do, by herself. The sense of accomplishment that comes with being independent is immensely important for a child. I once read in Penelope Leach’s book something that left a huge impression on me: good parents work themselves out of the picture – slowly. Don't get involved in your children's arguments - allow them to solve these issues and come to a compromise themselves. You'd be surprised at how little they really need you when they scream your name!

12. Laugh and have fun! When you’re a single parent, it’s easy to become so absorbed in the logistics of taking care of your kids, your home, your job and yourself, that you sometimes forget to relax and have fun. Kids are fun. They give you a wonderful opportunity to be a child all over again, and to do things that you never thought you would do as an adult: playing in the rain, making sand castles, singing at the top of your lungs, a date with play dough, finger painting....... See the world through their innocent, curious eyes. Enjoy them.

Parenting is a big job. Single parenting is 2x bigger. Isn't it a great feeling to wake up each day and really love going to work?

Tuesday Truths

Look around your house, single parents.....is it company ready?
Yes, once upon a time I could have answered "yes!"
That was the first thing to go.....
There's one of me and four of them SO, The answer is a very confident "NO!"

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