Among the most frequently repeated phrases about suffering are that “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass.” Time passes. It does not heal. Healing is an active process, not a passive one. If we have a cut and do nothing to clean it out or do not apply a salve, it will probably form a scab. It might take longer and it might develop an infection, but the wound will most likely close and leave a scar.
When I was 5 years old, I ran away from home. I didn’t get very far: the downstairs vestibule. I waited what seemed like an eternity for someone to come looking for me. When no one did, I put my hand through a small decorative pane of glass in my attempt to open the door. A little sliver of glass was left in the soft fleshy part of my hand. It closed up with that glass inside.
When we experience woundings to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open. Sometimes we are bleeding, figuratively, from every orifice of our bodies. Eventually the bleeding stops and the wound closes, but what has closed inside? Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside? Occasionally we develop a “weeping wound,” which doctors define as a wound that doesn’t heal because of noxious matter that continues to fester and ooze. How many “weeping wounds” can we sustain before our entire system becomes infected?
As we begin to explore the meaning of healing through loss, we discover the ancient spiritual roots of the healing arts. From prehistoric time, the healer or shaman was the most powerful teacher and wise one of the clan. In many languages, the phrase to heal comes from the expression “to be whole,” derived from the belief that when we become sick, we lose our wholeness. Something or someone has broken through our wholeness and caused dis-ease within our body. To heal is to come back into that lost wholeness and ease. Returning to wholeness often means that we must somehow integrate the disease so it is no longer identified as a threat. Once it becomes part of us, we have incorporated what was thought to be a threat into our hearts and souls and minds. This explains how it is possible for someone with an incurable illness to be healed—they can use the disease as a path into wholeness.
Healing and curing are two very different concepts. Healing is a spiritual idea and curing is a medical one. Healing is an active process. It doesn’t happen to us; we must participate in the process of our healing. Healing happens for us. It is a gift we give to ourselves in the moment we decide to stay “open” to that which has broken us.
In chronic pain management, we are taught not to tighten around the pain but to relax and allow the pain to be present. This is the premise behind the Lamaze Method for childbirth. The idea is that when pain is resisted, it intensifies, When we breathe deeply and acknowledge the presence of pain, it has room to move and can flow through us more readily. Pain is there to tell us something, to warn us of possible danger. This is as true for emotional, spiritual, and mental pain as it is for physical pain. When pain speaks, we need to listen. All it takes is paying attention to our pain so that when it comes, we remember to breathe and get soft. We don’t want to fight with our pain. We want to learn from it.
Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Give yourself the gift of time. To become whole means that as we open to the pain, we open to the loss. We break open and, as a consequence, we get bigger and include more of life. We include what would have been “lost” to us if our hearts and minds had closed against the pain. We include what would have been lost if we had not taken the time to heal. As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us: “There’s more room in a broken heart.”
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Thoughts from others.......
Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~Jesse Jackson
Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~Gail Sheehy
What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest
Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Author Unknown
A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all. ~Washington Irving
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.
Lewis Carroll
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette
Although there are many trial marriages... there is no such thing as a trial child. ~Gail Sheehy
What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give. ~P.D. James, Time to Be in Earnest
Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ~Author Unknown
A father may turn his back on his child, brothers and sisters may become inveterate enemies, husbands may desert their wives, wives their husbands. But a mother's love endures through all. ~Washington Irving
You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.
Lewis Carroll
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
Kathy Lette
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Poem by Derek Walcott:
the time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome.
and say, sit here. eat.
you will love again the stranger who is yourself.
give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger
who has loved you.
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
take down the love letters from the bookshelf.
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
sit. feast on YOUR life.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
4 my 4 (part I)
Hey Guys,
We just celebrated our fourth holiday season as a family of 5. It's hard to believe how fast the years have flown! Now, ages 12,10,71/2 and 6, you are active participants in everything from the cooking to the cleaning and even the wrapping. We are a team - a winning team!
Do you realize the journey you have taken? Since 2005, you have packed and moved 3 times! (4, if you include the months at Nana and Poppy's) You have stood by as The Mom navigated two quarantines and surgery. You have attended three different schools! You bravely hopped an airplane for an unknown land and made a foreign place your home. You have grown from clingy, scared children into confident, kind and hardworking people.
Jammers, it was not that long ago that you secretly packed snack bags and went door to door selling treats to make money to buy The Mom a Christmas present. You came home with $15 that day! Now, you babysit. You are a wonderful flutist who entertains us with beautiful music. You are a service club member, a friend, a caretaker and a big sister. You are 12. Sometimes you are a wise guy with a tone that makes The Mom frown. You have spent a good deal of time with lost privilages because of that tone! (Secretly, I know it's normal. I was no different at 12, but I can't tell you that!) You love the outdoors and spend hours and hours exploring, biking and skateboarding. You toughed out that gym class you despised everyday without a complaint and you now run miles. I never have to tell you to do your homework - it's usually done before I even ask. A voracious reader, I can't get books fast enough before you finish them. I love your creativity and, although you still have that funny fascination with little tiny pieces of paper that drives me crazy, you make beautiful things. You taught your sister to ride her bike and your brother to start reading. The miles you've journied, my precious girl.
Liney......When we began this journey you were such an anxious soul you would vomit at the drop of a hat! Do you remember when you were the sheep in the Christmas play and you exited the progression, went to the bathroom to throw-up and got back on line to perform?!?!?! We still laugh at that, don't we? This Christmas, you and your trumpet could not get on that stage fast enough to the pleasure of the BIG crowd watching. You took a lead role in the Rome Play, you went away to camp for a week and you and your neighbors performed a New Years concert for the neighborhood on the driveway! You are so very nurturing to your younger siblings and neighbors and you are an amazing student and artist. Someday, my friend, you will actually have to put in some effort to get those terrific grades, but for now, you have it easy! Your art work is so beautiful that other parents constantly tell me about your talent. You are a beautiful writer and creator. You too, love the outdoors and I love seeing my lazy girl frolicking on the streets with her siblings and friends. That bike has logged many, many miles!!!!! You are still my little diva and the shopping queen, but you are learning (slowly) that money does not have to burn a hole in your pocket - delayed gratification is a good thing and the rewards are greater. Liney, you are a friend, a talent and an intellect. What will you become?
Puddin': The baby who never cried; you are still smiling. There has never been a child with a better attitude, a happier disposition or a kinder heart. We began this journey when you were just four years old - barely out of diapers! Now, look at you! You have worked so hard that you are reading, you are playing sports - you worked for hours until you mastered that bicycle. Some things are a bit harder for you and you treat each and every one with a smile - even encouraging your younger brother without a hint of jealousy. You are most noted for your funny "one liners" (at least one makes it back to me in the hallways at school each day!), your smile, your wonderful ability to make friends and your perseverence. Everyone who knows you, loves you. You are an actress and you love the stage. You were the star of many a film this year as the teachers had to produce podcasts - everyone wanted to use you and you soaked up every minute! You sing beautifully and all day and night. You love Brownies, theater, art and music and you love people. You are the first to hit the sheets at night and the last to awake in the morning. You keep us all laughing, laughing, laughing. I am so proud of you, dear Puddin'! You want to be a pop star someday and y'know what, with your talent and charisma, you just might be!
The Boy: could life be any easier for you?!?! You've been "all mine" since you were just two years old - the sole boy in an all girl world. That doesn't stop you one bit. Snakes, sports, school - you've got it all under control and you smile and laugh endlessly. Before you could walk, you used to peddle your tiny trike around the house to get from here to there so it was no surprise when you took the training wheels off your big two wheeler and took off down the street in seconds. You love balls, you love dirt, you love art and you love teasing your sisters! You took that tarantula out of it's cage to dangle in front of the girls just to hear them scream! (Secretly, I was laughing inside even though I had to intervene!) You amaze me, little guy. Nothing stops you from succeeding and you are fearless. Still, with all of your confidence and talent, you crawl beside Mom in the middle of the night to sleep - your little arm wrapped around me and your feet tucked under. That's okay. I know you won't want anything to do with me when you are 12 so I eat it up inside. Watching you grow has has been a pleasure. You will do great things one day, my son!
My four babies, you make me laugh, you make me cry and sometimes, you make me scream; but you always make me proud. Our life is not always easy. Sometimes it scrambled eggs for dinner until pay day. You don't mind. You take it all in stride. Life has taught you those lessons early and, believe it or not, those lessons will make life easier as you grow. You understand that you must work hard for the things you want and that hard work pays off. Nothing has been handed to you and you have learned to appreciate the things that you have.
While I would not have chosen this journey for you, many good things have come from it. We have a long way to go, but this team will make it - together.
I love you all very much,
Mom
We just celebrated our fourth holiday season as a family of 5. It's hard to believe how fast the years have flown! Now, ages 12,10,71/2 and 6, you are active participants in everything from the cooking to the cleaning and even the wrapping. We are a team - a winning team!
Do you realize the journey you have taken? Since 2005, you have packed and moved 3 times! (4, if you include the months at Nana and Poppy's) You have stood by as The Mom navigated two quarantines and surgery. You have attended three different schools! You bravely hopped an airplane for an unknown land and made a foreign place your home. You have grown from clingy, scared children into confident, kind and hardworking people.
Jammers, it was not that long ago that you secretly packed snack bags and went door to door selling treats to make money to buy The Mom a Christmas present. You came home with $15 that day! Now, you babysit. You are a wonderful flutist who entertains us with beautiful music. You are a service club member, a friend, a caretaker and a big sister. You are 12. Sometimes you are a wise guy with a tone that makes The Mom frown. You have spent a good deal of time with lost privilages because of that tone! (Secretly, I know it's normal. I was no different at 12, but I can't tell you that!) You love the outdoors and spend hours and hours exploring, biking and skateboarding. You toughed out that gym class you despised everyday without a complaint and you now run miles. I never have to tell you to do your homework - it's usually done before I even ask. A voracious reader, I can't get books fast enough before you finish them. I love your creativity and, although you still have that funny fascination with little tiny pieces of paper that drives me crazy, you make beautiful things. You taught your sister to ride her bike and your brother to start reading. The miles you've journied, my precious girl.
Liney......When we began this journey you were such an anxious soul you would vomit at the drop of a hat! Do you remember when you were the sheep in the Christmas play and you exited the progression, went to the bathroom to throw-up and got back on line to perform?!?!?! We still laugh at that, don't we? This Christmas, you and your trumpet could not get on that stage fast enough to the pleasure of the BIG crowd watching. You took a lead role in the Rome Play, you went away to camp for a week and you and your neighbors performed a New Years concert for the neighborhood on the driveway! You are so very nurturing to your younger siblings and neighbors and you are an amazing student and artist. Someday, my friend, you will actually have to put in some effort to get those terrific grades, but for now, you have it easy! Your art work is so beautiful that other parents constantly tell me about your talent. You are a beautiful writer and creator. You too, love the outdoors and I love seeing my lazy girl frolicking on the streets with her siblings and friends. That bike has logged many, many miles!!!!! You are still my little diva and the shopping queen, but you are learning (slowly) that money does not have to burn a hole in your pocket - delayed gratification is a good thing and the rewards are greater. Liney, you are a friend, a talent and an intellect. What will you become?
Puddin': The baby who never cried; you are still smiling. There has never been a child with a better attitude, a happier disposition or a kinder heart. We began this journey when you were just four years old - barely out of diapers! Now, look at you! You have worked so hard that you are reading, you are playing sports - you worked for hours until you mastered that bicycle. Some things are a bit harder for you and you treat each and every one with a smile - even encouraging your younger brother without a hint of jealousy. You are most noted for your funny "one liners" (at least one makes it back to me in the hallways at school each day!), your smile, your wonderful ability to make friends and your perseverence. Everyone who knows you, loves you. You are an actress and you love the stage. You were the star of many a film this year as the teachers had to produce podcasts - everyone wanted to use you and you soaked up every minute! You sing beautifully and all day and night. You love Brownies, theater, art and music and you love people. You are the first to hit the sheets at night and the last to awake in the morning. You keep us all laughing, laughing, laughing. I am so proud of you, dear Puddin'! You want to be a pop star someday and y'know what, with your talent and charisma, you just might be!
The Boy: could life be any easier for you?!?! You've been "all mine" since you were just two years old - the sole boy in an all girl world. That doesn't stop you one bit. Snakes, sports, school - you've got it all under control and you smile and laugh endlessly. Before you could walk, you used to peddle your tiny trike around the house to get from here to there so it was no surprise when you took the training wheels off your big two wheeler and took off down the street in seconds. You love balls, you love dirt, you love art and you love teasing your sisters! You took that tarantula out of it's cage to dangle in front of the girls just to hear them scream! (Secretly, I was laughing inside even though I had to intervene!) You amaze me, little guy. Nothing stops you from succeeding and you are fearless. Still, with all of your confidence and talent, you crawl beside Mom in the middle of the night to sleep - your little arm wrapped around me and your feet tucked under. That's okay. I know you won't want anything to do with me when you are 12 so I eat it up inside. Watching you grow has has been a pleasure. You will do great things one day, my son!
My four babies, you make me laugh, you make me cry and sometimes, you make me scream; but you always make me proud. Our life is not always easy. Sometimes it scrambled eggs for dinner until pay day. You don't mind. You take it all in stride. Life has taught you those lessons early and, believe it or not, those lessons will make life easier as you grow. You understand that you must work hard for the things you want and that hard work pays off. Nothing has been handed to you and you have learned to appreciate the things that you have.
While I would not have chosen this journey for you, many good things have come from it. We have a long way to go, but this team will make it - together.
I love you all very much,
Mom
Friday, January 2, 2009
Reflecting on 08'
'Last year started on a bad note. I should have known.......
My trip home 12 months ago was wrought with an amazing lot of "stuff." ( Family stuff, money stuff, friend stuff!) Truly, I wanted the plane back home - fast!
This year I've lost many, found many and met many. I was accused of things that didn't occur,
( I don't defend myself well, but.......) I was in court again....(and no, I have no control over the outcome friends , he is as protected as am I) I wasn't sure who I was at times, I said so-long to dear friends and I met new friends. (My heart still holds a place for those that have moved on.) I always want to do the right thing and at times, I don't know what that is. Sometimes I did the wrong thing. Sometimes dear friends couldn't deal with the right thing - they couldn't deal with the truth. I was there once too and sometimes I awake in the middle of the night and question where I am.
I have to do what is right for me and my family - regardless of popular opinion. AND we are in a great place! I am not out to impress anyone and that realization was the liberation.
I have had the most beautiful New Year!
My kids did a concert on the driveway and the neighbors (Bless their hearts), pulled out the lawn chairs and supported the cause!
I have reconnected with so many people, I am speechless.
I have the BEST neighborhood a single mom could ever hope for! (The kids play from morning til' nite!)
I have no complaints!
I wish you all a most wonderful New Year and to those that have moved on, I miss you and will always hold you dear in my heart. I wish you the same. No heart feelings. No regrets.
I will always be here for you if you need me.
My trip home 12 months ago was wrought with an amazing lot of "stuff." ( Family stuff, money stuff, friend stuff!) Truly, I wanted the plane back home - fast!
This year I've lost many, found many and met many. I was accused of things that didn't occur,
( I don't defend myself well, but.......) I was in court again....(and no, I have no control over the outcome friends , he is as protected as am I) I wasn't sure who I was at times, I said so-long to dear friends and I met new friends. (My heart still holds a place for those that have moved on.) I always want to do the right thing and at times, I don't know what that is. Sometimes I did the wrong thing. Sometimes dear friends couldn't deal with the right thing - they couldn't deal with the truth. I was there once too and sometimes I awake in the middle of the night and question where I am.
I have to do what is right for me and my family - regardless of popular opinion. AND we are in a great place! I am not out to impress anyone and that realization was the liberation.
I have had the most beautiful New Year!
My kids did a concert on the driveway and the neighbors (Bless their hearts), pulled out the lawn chairs and supported the cause!
I have reconnected with so many people, I am speechless.
I have the BEST neighborhood a single mom could ever hope for! (The kids play from morning til' nite!)
I have no complaints!
I wish you all a most wonderful New Year and to those that have moved on, I miss you and will always hold you dear in my heart. I wish you the same. No heart feelings. No regrets.
I will always be here for you if you need me.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
I'm All About Humor
I love to laugh. I can take just about any situation in life and I can find humor. It's probably my best quality - among others......:)
However, as my kids reach the preteen, difficult years - I'm not laughing.
It's hard to be the single disciplinarian in a child's life. I look mean much of the time! I don't want to be mean, but the kids need boundaries and rules and all of that yucky stuff we hated when we were their ages.
They don't argue with the consequences. They know.
What I remind them (and myself) is that it is easier NOT to discipline. Their behavior makes my life HARDER. Because I LOVE them, I must intervene, correct and redirect - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When I have the chance, I take a short nap so I can get up and do it all over again. (They usually wake me during this slumber with a silly question......)
SO I laugh cause it's all just so silly. Tomorrow I will be on the very same journey.
It's the ticked I signed for! I love them even though they make me very, very crazy!!!!!!!
However, as my kids reach the preteen, difficult years - I'm not laughing.
It's hard to be the single disciplinarian in a child's life. I look mean much of the time! I don't want to be mean, but the kids need boundaries and rules and all of that yucky stuff we hated when we were their ages.
They don't argue with the consequences. They know.
What I remind them (and myself) is that it is easier NOT to discipline. Their behavior makes my life HARDER. Because I LOVE them, I must intervene, correct and redirect - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
When I have the chance, I take a short nap so I can get up and do it all over again. (They usually wake me during this slumber with a silly question......)
SO I laugh cause it's all just so silly. Tomorrow I will be on the very same journey.
It's the ticked I signed for! I love them even though they make me very, very crazy!!!!!!!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Standards
The only person that should have to live up to your standards is YOU!
Let everyone else off the hook.
Pass no judgments.
Chances are you are wrong.
When one comes to this place of understanding, it is liberating. The energy changes and the world is a much happier place.
It's a lot easier to face each day when you are your only force to be reckoned with!
Enjoy the holidays! Live up to your standards and let the chips fall as they may!
Let everyone else off the hook.
Pass no judgments.
Chances are you are wrong.
When one comes to this place of understanding, it is liberating. The energy changes and the world is a much happier place.
It's a lot easier to face each day when you are your only force to be reckoned with!
Enjoy the holidays! Live up to your standards and let the chips fall as they may!
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