Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Observation....

My days with my kids are long.....
Without them, they seem even longer.......

Monday, July 28, 2008

If at all possible, be kind to your ex!


My kids are heading back to their father for the first time in 7 months tomorrow. While I hate to see them go, this is a relationship that is important and whatever time he can give them, I cherish for them. They love their dad and so they should. I loved him too! They deserve a wonderful time together and they are excited. I love that.

Tonight, I was packing a meal for the plane. The kids requested chicken cutlet sandwiches and as airlines no longer provide meals, I obliged. I also made one for Dad - he's doing the same round trip pick up that I face next week. It's a long day.

My youngest noticed and remarked,"Mommy, you are so nice to Daddy even though he isn't nice to you. I like that."

It's sadly true. I'm not a push over and I will fight like a lioness for the well being of my kids, but what is it to be civil and cordial and do the right thing?

I have many friends that would disagree - who would lay me out like a rug and call me a fool. Who actually, at points, told me to cut this relationship off and let the chips fall as they may. I would never do such a thing. I'm not a fool.

My kids were born out of a loving relationship and for that, I will always be grateful for that season in my life - some of my very happiest years.

Sometimes, I don't realize how much they see and take in - tonight was a perfect example. Ironically, I was unaware that I was being watched!

It is a useless waste of energy to do anything less than treat another the way you hope to be treated. It's not always easy, but a heck of a lot easier than the alternative! It is not my job to teach lessons, to make points, to prove issues - it IS my job to do the very best for my kids.

Have fun kids. I hope you all enjoy your sandwiches!!!!!!

One Never Knows What Will Happen by Sharing....

I received this today. Wow. Who would've thunk?!?!


Hello Debbie:

I am a Producer for a PBS NOVA Series on Human Nature. We are
working on an episode about relationships and are looking to
highlight the various types of emotions and interactions that
help shape our human experience. Our focus will be on
relationships with friends, family and lovers and we will
explore the reasons why these relationships are so important,
the stumbling blocks we face in creating/maintaining these
relationships as well as some of the things we can do to better
deal with these hurdles. One of the topics we'd like to focus
on is divorce - including its effects and the way people
rebuild afterwards. As this is an increasingly common
phenomenon in America, we think that both sharing and
destigmatizing the experience in a respectful, natural manner
will be very beneficial.

I am writing you as we are interested in profiling a recently
divorced individual to show the things people do to get through
this experience, recuperate and start over. Would you b be interested? I am eager
to answer any questions you may have and can also provide some
more information about the series.

Moving Forward....We Bought a House!!!!

I truly never thought I would see this day again and....WE ARE SO EXCITED!!!!!! Lot's of hard work, self sacrifice, planning and preparing - a buyers market and we have OUR OWN HOME AGAIN!!!! It's a speechless, thankful and wonderful time. The journey back to self sufficiency has been a treacherous one and sometimes the bumps in the road HURT!
When you feel the energy change, just go with it. When I felt it change, I was at first, confused and then I realized that the tide was a turning.
We ARE in a great place!!!!!

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Feeling Some Anger Tonight.....

The kids are ready to go and excited for their journey. I'm preparing for a terrific move to our new home. All good!

So why am I angry?!?

I'm angry at people who have made it impossible to share some good fortune. I'm angry at people for judging me and my kids in down moments, for blaming me for acts that were not mine, for putting me in uncomfortable situations that ended relationships and, basically, for not owning any of their own behavior as contributing to the situation.

I'm angry at people who use email to communicate - a cowardly format.

I'm angry at people who cannot be genuinely happy at someone else moving forward in a positive way. Those people that cut ties when the drama ends, those people who thrive on your drama to ignore their own!

Basically, I'm angry at people who live in security judging those of us who try to maintain peace and point fingers without looking in the mirror. I'm angry at many broken promises and at sisters who failed where I was strong - and it wasn't easy!

The ignorance makes me MAD!

People in glass houses dare not throw stones!

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Old family - New Wounds

I am so happy that my ex brother-in-law is getting married next week. It's what he's always wanted and wished for and at 35, he found his soul mate. I regret that our circumstances don't allow me to be there when we have shared so much over the years. My kids, however, have been getting ready and as I send them home to this wonderful family occasion, I am so proud of them for their tremendous strength. That doesn't mean I appreciate being excluded - I hold on to the promises that we would always be family, but of course, the reality of the present replaces the past all too quickly. Even my kids have noticed!!!
Hmmmmm.....

A Shoulder

We have so much to look forward to - a new house, a trip with dad, the beginning of a new school year 8/11......
I am feeling overwhelmed!!!!
I'm packing a house, a visit, readying a classroom and preparing the kids to attend a wedding! It's a bit too much and I admit, I hate it all. Getting everyone ready for school two weeks ahead of start is hard enough - moving again is rediculous and sending them back, painful!!!!!!
Heading back to work again...UGH!!!!!! I hate this time of year.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Fear....a confessional

My kids go to visit their father and his family for the first time in 7 months next week. They will be wonderfully spoiled and for that, I am happy - almost jealous! However, I have some pretty strict rituals in this house regarding diet, t.v., water consumption, reading time, down time, up time and acceptable behavior. We are flexible, but scheduled and they have certain things that they must do before the flexibility comes into play.
I confess, I hate the turn over because, quite simply, I deal with the reprogramming upon return. I LOVE that they are getting quality time with their dad......I just hate being the heavy upon return.
Being the full time parent means being the savior and the enemy. Two weeks a year means you are Disneyland.
Yup, it's threatening! (And I won't sleep well until all four are home!)

Location! Location!! Location!!!

Ya know what? We live modestly in a pretty nice place and as a result, many, MANY people from our old life pass through our doors on a regular basis. The best thing about this is that we get to hang out and pretend we belong at some of the finest resorts in the world. Seriously! I have spent the last four days with my kids in some pretty beautiful places for....FREE!!!!!
(If you are wondering why I am not at work, I am a teacher and summer school has ended....a few flexible weeks - TIGHT on the budget but oh, so fun!)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Tuesday Truths

Look around your house, single parents.....is it company ready?
Yes, once upon a time I could have answered "yes!"
That was the first thing to go.....
There's one of me and four of them SO, The answer is a very confident "NO!"

Undergoing MyBlogLog Verification

Monday, July 21, 2008

Reasons......

Just after my unexpected separation, a well meaning family member stated, matter of fact, "There must have been reasons for him to stray." To that, I looked back, cold and confident and responded, "I will not accept blame for this man's infidelity." Nice try!

You don't think that through the years, I too have had frustrating, I don't know if I can do it moments?! I never looked at another man, never thought of looking at another man, never wanted to! Y'see, I was in it for better or for worse and sometimes it was better, sometimes worse. We traversed unemployment, health crisis's, multiple young children, family trials etc. My self esteem was always wrapped up in the well being of my nuclear family and I never looked any farther. I adored my family and my husband and enjoyed every minute, sans bill paying, that I was there to care for them. I mean that, honest and true.

In fact, three years out, I have just begun to notice other men! Some people rebound - not me. I was holed up thinking of the "what ifs" and "whys" and for a long time, my door was left just a crack open for Daddy to come home. No matter how bad he was to us, I held out hope that this new man was "temporary" and the man I knew would wake up, figure out himself and beg to return home. I contacted national doctors, experts, worked on myself, dealt with past issues....you name it. He wasn't coming home.

Perhaps, this reality, was the hardest pill to take. I was rejected. My children were rejected. I'll never forget the day when the pipes burst and the house was a frigid 32 degrees and his visit ended. I BEGGED him not to return the children to the cold and the mess and the response I received was, "My time is done and I'm bringing the kids back - it's your job to figure out how to keep them warm!!" If not for the intervention of his family, that is what would have happened. Little did he know that had he returned them, I had the police waiting to arrest him for child neglect - a place that broke my heart to enter. Lucky for him, he had his family to talk sense and that scene was avoided. His new wild temper also caused me to alert the local police that if they ever received a call from my home, they had to send two cars as it was surely a domestic situation. They were so good about this, they would circle the lane upon pick up an drop off until I blinked the lights that all was well. No one knew any of this and thankfully, it was never needed. Perhaps, just a bit of him remained!

So, everyone asks if I had signs....a small glimpse of what was to come. This is a common question. And again, the truth is, "No!" Call it naivete, perhaps stupidity, perhaps hopeless abandon.....our life was such a series of ups and downs and UPS that I truly accepted whatever came my way. It was about OUR FAMILY, after all. He had his issues, I had mine....none were fun! But, we still managed to have some! I came from a tumultuous household that had navigated many a trial so I took this "stuff" for granted as part of life. His background didn't include such things and I can only say, the result of his actions has resulted in more tumult that I ever thought possible. You simply can't escape the bed you make and you will pay, one way or the other! I often wonder if, given the choice, he would take the path he traveled. That is an answer I will never know!

And, as I speak about the significant other, I must also own my own piece of the puzzle. Following the birth of my last child, a pregnancy ridden with health problems on both ends, I had a very difficult recovery. I was told I had everything from postpartum depression to cystitis to....you name it. I had Thyroid Cancer. My moods were rampant, my bodily functions off and my energy level low. Visiting multiple doctors and being told there was "nothing wrong with me" was hard and depressing and following his critical illness, even more so. In an effort to escape, I took to a few extra glasses of wine simply to put on a happy face at the end of long and grueling days. If you have never been through the humiliation of vaginal physical therapy, consider yourself lucky - if you have; so sorry. The nerve damage, the exhaustion, the humiliation and the irregular bleeding would be trying to any marriage. For these reasons, in spite of his behavior, I had some understanding! So I own all of that, but I hung onto my rock, my husband, and believed that all would be well. I was loved unconditionally, afterall!

Well, I have since come to realize, that the only unconditional love is between certain parents and children. I cannot even say this is for all as I have heard friends talk down their own children, a place I cannot even imagine. What I do know is that I loved my husband and of course, I love my children. I would have stuck through the craziness, but y'see I didn't have the excitement of work relationships building my self esteem.
'
I guess, in hindsight, there were "Reasons," but they were things I would have overlooked unless forced to swallow them.

How Did I Get Here Anyway?!?


I was married to a wonderful man. In fact, I married my very best friend and when he first expressed romantic interest in me, I politely declined as the fear of losing that friendship was more important to me than storybook love. He continued to pursue and eventually I gave in and for the next 15 years, I truly had fun. So sure was I that we were a forever couple, we had our wedding bands tattooed for our tenth anniversary as an "off beat renewing of our vows." During those ten years, we had four beautiful children and I was the girl who never complained about her husband. Seriously, I have friends who will shake their heads in shock to this day because I never, EVER said a bad word about this guy. He was a devoted family man, a great father, good for a laugh, loyal, trustworthy and fun to be with. His children adored him so much that when he entered the house after a long day at work, I became invisible. He participated in the town government, the school PTA, was the chief of the YMCA Indian Guides and Princesses, and was loved by all. I had the guy that the rest of the world envied.

In less than a year after that famed tattoo anniversary, he was gone. One day, he just came home and said, "I'm done." Done?!?! Done with US?!?!

Oh, he was done alright! He was done with everything! He packed a small overnight bag, a tennis racket, his motorcycle and disappeared leaving no forwarding address. There I was with four children ages 2-8 and the only contact I had with their father was a cell phone he rarely answered. We were in the process of moving and renovating a new home - a home he had carefully chosen every piece of molding and appliance for and.....he was DONE! (a private investigator later revealed my unsung fears - he was having an affair with that girl at work I had warned him about!)

Within a matter of months, he lost his job, we lost our home, and it wasn't long before I learned that court orders and agreements meant little to this guy - this wonderful guy I never said a bad word about. IF we received support, it arrived late. IF he came to see the children, he arrived late - and returned early. What happened to Super Daddy, the hero to all?!

Well, it's now three years later. I am the solo parent to the same four beautiful children - now ages 11-5. We live in a beautiful area on very little money, but we are still going strong. The children will visit Dad next week for the first time in 7 months (save for another post!) and we just got word that WE BOUGHT OUR OWN HOME!!!! Not bad on a measly teacher's salary! Support is now not only ordered, it is GARNISHED and guess what, I still have that damn tattoo! (Simply because the cost of removal is a bit more than I can justify.)

I've searched many sites on the web for support and guidance, have read numerous books and received much advice (some a lot better than others) during this never ending journey. What I haven't found was a place that simply offered dialog to others who are traversing this isolated journey that only those who live can understand.

So, welcome to my feeble attempt to provide a place of laughter and support to others, who like me are All Together Alone.
Peace,
Debbie