Keeping the Children First

Children of separated families may find the holiday season to be more difficult than usual.

• Children may feel anxious from the excess chaos
• They may feel caught in the middle as parents negotiate who spends what time where
• They may feel resentful at having to leave friends and family to stay with a non-custodial parent
• Children may feel overwhelmed and exhausted as they are shuffled back and forth between houses
• They may feel as though they wish they could "split themselves in half" so that each parent will be satisfied
• They may feel sad as they reminisce on holidays when the family was still together
• Kids may miss one parent while spending time with the other
• They may feel guilty at leaving the other parent alone on a holiday

Tips for Divorced Parents to Survive the Holidays

There are many things that both parents can do to enjoy the holidays and ease the transition for their children.

• Teach the child to embrace his expanded family and the fact that he gets to celebrate the holidays twice
• Do not over-indulge the child with too many presents or candy; this is not healthy for anyone
• One parent should not compete with the other over who gets the child a "better gift" – if possible, strategize with the other parent to ensure even gift-giving
• Have a set schedule, preferably one that is set by family court. Typically, parents should alternate holidays each year. This takes the burden off the child having to decide where he would like to spend his time and also minimize arguing between parents
• Let the child in on the schedule in advance so that they know what to expect
• Put differences aside – do not argue with an ex-spouse in front of the child
• Teach the child what the holiday is truly about so that they can better appreciate the experience
• Plan fun outings and make new traditions such as caroling, ice skating, or catching a new movie in between the holidays to minimize the importance of a single big celebration
• Keep time together simple so that the child does not feel overburdened and overwhelmed
• Set a positive example so that the child is able to enjoy himself; parents should express their own frustrations to another adult, not to their child
• Recognize that most children want and need contact with both of their parents, especially during the holidays
• Allow the child to have phone or email contact with the other parent, especially on the holiday itself
• Allow the child to vent any frustrations
• Love and celebrate the child during these special times

The best thing that both parents can do is to recognize and be aware of their child’s emotions during this sensitive time. There is no time like the holidays for parents embroiled in separation disagreements to find a common ground – teaching their child to enjoy the magic of the season.